Dealing with chronic lateness--VENT

[Anonymous]

I'll wait 10-15 minutes. If I haven't heard from the person I'm meeting by then, I leave or start without them. If they do call and they are going to be later than I'm comfortable waiting, I reschedule. I don't have a problem with people showing up late very often, but when it happens I don't let it affect my schedule or plans.

[Anonymous]

MIL is like this. Kind of like - "oh you don't matter to me, so I can do what I want" type of late. Repulsive. We don't invite her to much, but when we do, we tell her it is a half hour earlier. She is really self absorbed.

It has adversely affected us attending certain children's functions, unfortunately.

I agree with PPs that if a certain amount of time passes, say ten minutes past what you said, you should leave without them.

[Anonymous]

This babysitting is free, right? Either deal with it, or pay money for sitters who show up on time.

Regarding dinner in restaurants, order when you get there and leave when you're finished. Explain that the kids are on a schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are totally unable to get anyplace ontime. I'm not talking 5-10 minutes. I am talking 30 minutes to even 1 hour for things ranging from dinner at our house, dinner in a restaurant or even babysitting for us. MIL is generally clueless so always underestimates how long it takes to get herself together and get someplace. Or she decides to walk to our house instead of drive....which obviously takes longer!! We've cancelled dinner reservations because she has shown up 30 minutes late for babysitting. SIL is a bit narcassistic (younger sister of DH) so she cancels all the time or will text and say she is running an hour late. It's not like I am a stickler for being ontime but with a 3 year old and a baby, things need to happen by a certain time or else I have to deal with the meltdown. I.e., we agree to meet at a restaurant at 6pm. The kids and I are there at 6pm....everyone else decides to roll in at 6:30...hello??? Kids are starving by then! Or, showing up 30-45 min late for dinner means kids are hungry, pushes back bedtime because of course they want to keep the kids up to play, etc. Again, we can be somewhat flexible for special events, but not simply because people can't get their sh*t together to be someplace when they say they will!!

Of course, DH also exhibits the same qualities, so I know the apple didn't fall far from the tree. I sound like a broken record nagging about being on time or even telling me that he will be late. I don't even say anything anymore.

Now, when MIL has us over for dinner, I simply refuse to be on time on principle. DH usually leaves from work and I leave from home. I wait for DH to show up and then I leave the house. Yes this is petty, but I get a little satisfaction from it.

Why are you waiting to order for the kids, knowing they will be late? Why invite them at all? I would order for the kids. I would wait 15 minutes then order my dinner. When we are done, I would leave. DH can stay w parents or go home. I wouldn't let them hold me hostage. The kids' needs come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I'm a bitch about stuff like that. I'll wait 15 minutes and if I haven't heard from you I just go on with my life. And I never EVER count on people to babysit if they're always late.

Grandma: Why haven't you asked me to babysit all month? I miss Larla.
Me: Oh! Because you're always late and we lose our reservation and don't get to see the movie. So it just wasn't working out. But tomorrow we'll be at the park from 2-4 if you want to meet us there.

And then I would go to the park from 2-4, and if she showed up at 3:55 right as we were packing up I'd say "I'm so glad we got to visit with you for a few minutes, but we're expected somewhere and need to leave now. Love you, bye!" If she is all wait wait, I only got two minutes I'd smile sadly and say "I know, I wish we had more time together too, but we only had from 2-4 here today, and we're expected somewhere else and can't be late. Sorry, bye!" AND THEN WE KEEP WALKING.

As I said, I am a bitch. But you teach people how to treat you. If it's a one time thing, or only ten minutes, that's fine. But not when I'm depending on you so I can arrive somewhere else, not when it's a half hour or more each time, not when it's on a regular basis, not when the only reason is that you simply haven't managed to get your shit together.

+1000

[Anonymous]

I get the vent, but come on, stop being a door mat and take back control. Let her know when you are making the invitation, "So let's meet at 6, and if you find you are running late, that's ok, but just know that by 6:10 I need to order for the boys. You know how squirmy kids are!" Don't put it as anything other than a declaration. It isn't a question, and you aren't asking permission.

And with babysitting, build in an extra 30 minutes. If you find she's on time, then perfect, you can get an extra cocktail at happy hour or just sit in the car and talk to DH in precious peace. This isn't hard! Yes, she's rude. But take back control to give yourself the advantage. You can do it girl!

[Anonymous]

We build in an extra 30 minutes for our in-laws who are always late even though they live 10 minutes away. We no longer use them as babysitters and we do not hold up dinner at our house for them. If they arrive during dessert, that is too bad. We do not delay kids' bedtimes either.

[Anonymous]

I am chronically late. I find that laters and waiters are pretty much split along personality lines. Type A perfectionistic overachievers who pride themselves on living by the rule of the law and being detail oriented are always on time (or early). Noe fo that is me. I do get places on time if it is critical (meeting, babysitting for someone type thing) but I don't' prioritize being on time above all else. I am not in any way put out by people coming late and I don't interpret that as disrespect in any way as I am more big picture. I am pretty flexible and adaptable and go with the flow so I often forget how much the 'rules' matter to others. I don't place the same value on time.

I also have no expectation that anyone accommodate my lateness though so I am never upset by the reactions of others.

I am pretty much one of the people you all hate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am chronically late. I find that laters and waiters are pretty much split along personality lines. Type A perfectionistic overachievers who pride themselves on living by the rule of the law and being detail oriented are always on time (or early). Noe fo that is me. I do get places on time if it is critical (meeting, babysitting for someone type thing) but I don't' prioritize being on time above all else. I am not in any way put out by people coming late and I don't interpret that as disrespect in any way as I am more big picture. I am pretty flexible and adaptable and go with the flow so I often forget how much the 'rules' matter to others. I don't place the same value on time.

I also have no expectation that anyone accommodate my lateness though so I am never upset by the reactions of others.

I am pretty much one of the people you all hate.

No, just people that are respectful of other people's time. You respect other people's time, or you don't. If I do that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. IF you don't think a dinner invitation is critical (whether at a restaurant or at home), why not just say no? It would save everyone a lot of hassle if you are just up front about the fact that your get togethers aren't important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am chronically late. I find that laters and waiters are pretty much split along personality lines. Type A perfectionistic overachievers who pride themselves on living by the rule of the law and being detail oriented are always on time (or early). Noe fo that is me. I do get places on time if it is critical (meeting, babysitting for someone type thing) but I don't' prioritize being on time above all else. I am not in any way put out by people coming late and I don't interpret that as disrespect in any way as I am more big picture. I am pretty flexible and adaptable and go with the flow so I often forget how much the 'rules' matter to others. I don't place the same value on time.

I also have no expectation that anyone accommodate my lateness though so I am never upset by the reactions of others.

I am pretty much one of the people you all hate.

Yes. Yes, you are.

It must be so freeing to go through life screwing up other people's plans just so that you don't have to "place the same value on time."

Especially if you *can* get to meetings or critical things on time. This means that you consciously decide what's critical and what isn't. And clearly your friends and their plans aren't critical.

You'd be so far removed from my list of friends at this point it wouldn't even be funny. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am chronically late. I find that laters and waiters are pretty much split along personality lines. Type A perfectionistic overachievers who pride themselves on living by the rule of the law and being detail oriented are always on time (or early). Noe fo that is me. I do get places on time if it is critical (meeting, babysitting for someone type thing) but I don't' prioritize being on time above all else. I am not in any way put out by people coming late and I don't interpret that as disrespect in any way as I am more big picture. I am pretty flexible and adaptable and go with the flow so I often forget how much the 'rules' matter to others. I don't place the same value on time.

I also have no expectation that anyone accommodate my lateness though so I am never upset by the reactions of others.

I am pretty much one of the people you all hate.

You are self absorbed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am chronically late. I find that laters and waiters are pretty much split along personality lines. Type A perfectionistic overachievers who pride themselves on living by the rule of the law and being detail oriented are always on time (or early). Noe fo that is me. I do get places on time if it is critical (meeting, babysitting for someone type thing) but I don't' prioritize being on time above all else. I am not in any way put out by people coming late and I don't interpret that as disrespect in any way as I am more big picture. I am pretty flexible and adaptable and go with the flow so I often forget how much the 'rules' matter to others. I don't place the same value on time.

I also have no expectation that anyone accommodate my lateness though so I am never upset by the reactions of others.

I am pretty much one of the people you all hate.

Ok I gotta ask. Are you black? Are you on BPT?

[Anonymous]

Start eating without them if they're more than 15 minutes late. Seriously. And if you're at a restaurant with the kids, you are excused from having to wait for your in-laws to finish before leaving the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We build in an extra 30 minutes for our in-laws who are always late even though they live 10 minutes away. We no longer use them as babysitters and we do not hold up dinner at our house for them. If they arrive during dessert, that is too bad. We do not delay kids' bedtimes either.

MIL used to hold up every single dinner for SIL who was late for every holiday for years and years. But for us, there is no food left. We think we will end up bringing a turkey next time. Most would get the hint. This woman? No way.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. My in-laws made me late to my own wedding. DH went to church early and was supposed to do his pictures with his family. They weren't ready and so we made different car arrangments for them. They ended up takingbmy car to the church still, so I had to wait for it to come back for me. So my DH didn't get the pictures he wanted with his family and they made us keep our guests waiting an extra 15-20 minutes. Then I had to pay extra for the car becuas it went over our original agreement since the ceremony ended later than it should have. Sooo wasn't happy about that. No apology either for being late. Oh and my wedding was at 5" so they had all day to get ready.