I'm failing as a parent

[Anonymous]

Everyone has given you great advice. I have nothing more to offer except to say that you are not failing as a parent. It is obvious that you love your daughter. SN is a hard road to walk--it's rough and bumpy and full of detours. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself in order to take care of your daughter. Remember--in case of emergency, place the oxygen mask on your face first. Then help others.

You are not failing as a parent.

[Anonymous]

You recognize you need help and reached out for it. That's a sign of a good parent. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we have a child in a self-contained ED class--I have walked miles in your shoes. I 100% agree with pp about babysitting. For us getting out of the house and away from the problems is cheaper and more effective than anything else. The grind is endless--you deserve a break.

Thanks for the two PP who suggested this. I will look for an additional sitter. I just hired one for friday nights but I think more mid-week and/or weekend breaks are needed

Yes to weekend sitter - make it for the *daytime.*. I find that a good break to myself during the day, especially if it involves outdoor activity, does more for me mentally then just about any other break. And better than nighttime sitters, because those just compromise my sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we have a child in a self-contained ED class--I have walked miles in your shoes. I 100% agree with pp about babysitting. For us getting out of the house and away from the problems is cheaper and more effective than anything else. The grind is endless--you deserve a break.

Thanks for the two PP who suggested this. I will look for an additional sitter. I just hired one for friday nights but I think more mid-week and/or weekend breaks are needed

Yes to weekend sitter - make it for the *daytime.*. I find that a good break to myself during the day, especially if it involves outdoor activity, does more for me mentally then just about any other break. And better than nighttime sitters, because those just compromise my sleep.

Good point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

If she's school aged, you can request testing through the schools as well as support services. If she's 3 or younger, call early intervention for an evaluation/services. Also, you might want to look into participating in a clinical trial at NIH. They will often assess your kid free of charge as part of the trial.

I had testing done but it was inconclusive. I will look into NIH.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are having a hard time. I have a hard time and my kids are not high needs. Plus you are doing this by yourself. Hugs to you, super mom!
Yes, I agree that you need a break and your time even if it's to the gym for an hour.

Hugs again.

[Anonymous]

How old is your child? Can you tell us a little more about her behavior and what is driving you crazy? Have you tried Kazdin or another method? While SN can be hard. so can behavioral issues and "PITA syndrome."

[Anonymous]

If you are failing as a parent, I'm a total lost cause and I have a support DH and family behind me. Trust me, I've lost my shit on my DS more times than I can count. I always regret it, but you and I are both human.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good advice here. How is your own self-care routine? Here are some things that are essential for me:
- adequate restful uninterrupted sleep
- frequent small meals or snacks with protein and fiber (helps steady blood sugar and reduce "hangry" potential - both for me and DC)
- exercise
- walking outdoors in the sunshine; even 10 minutes helps
- singing along to happy music; truly self-care for me

These things make me less reactive to DC and more able to maintain equanimity. You might find it helpful to look at your own routines and see where you can take better care of yourself. It's important to be good to yourself. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

The key thing that has helped me is establishing understandable rules for my DS and enforcing them. The enforcing part is the hardest. I try not to get into it with DS and ignore his negative behaviors (when there is no safety issue). When the rules are in place and being enforced, it is amazing how great my DS behaves. Since I don't know what problems you are having with your DD, this may not be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Lots of great advice here.

Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself so you can have more energy and patience to take care of your child.

Read a book or two about behavior management, such as Kadzin method, 1,2,3 Magic.

[Anonymous]

OP, how do you know she has "undiagnosed special needs"? You say "she's just very immature, has some delays and knows how to push my buttons." Why don't you have her evaluated, so you can figure out what, if anything, is going on with her, which will in turn enable you to get a better understanding of how you can respond in a helpful way? It might even turn out that she does not have any special needs-- that she's just a little slower to mature, and you're projecting your own anxieties onto her.

If she is school-aged the school district is legally obligated to evaluate her if there are indications of a problem. I think you need to get a better handle on what's happening here. And either way, yes, read the Kadzin books....


-- Another single mom with limited funds and a (diagnosed) special needs child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how do you know she has "undiagnosed special needs"? You say "she's just very immature, has some delays and knows how to push my buttons." Why don't you have her evaluated, so you can figure out what, if anything, is going on with her, which will in turn enable you to get a better understanding of how you can respond in a helpful way? It might even turn out that she does not have any special needs-- that she's just a little slower to mature, and you're projecting your own anxieties onto her.

If she is school-aged the school district is legally obligated to evaluate her if there are indications of a problem. I think you need to get a better handle on what's happening here. And either way, yes, read the Kadzin books....


-- Another single mom with limited funds and a (diagnosed) special needs child

read all the posts. OP, did get her kid evaluated and results were inconclusive.

OP, sometimes things sort themselves out as a child gets older, so hang in there. big hug.

[Anonymous]

Glad to see these helpful, informative, and supportive posts for the OP.

This is a hard business, even for those of us in households with two parents pretty much always on-duty. I can only imagine how tough it must be for a single mom. Ours started out with terrible sleep issues, and later displayed other challenges. It was nonstop howling and meltdowns for much of the early part of her life. I used to make the grim joke I know it's not funny at all, but one sometimes relies on black humor in such circumstances) that if she had been born to a teenage mother, she would have been left in a dumpster before she was two months old.

My two cents:

1) Forgive yourself your inevitable losses of composure, just do your best to learn from them and try to do better going forward. I had to learn not to raise my voice to our child when she was being impossible; over time I have done it less and less often, I don't kid myself that I will never do it again but it's now many months between instances -- working on lasting over a year!
2) Try not to escalate. The more out of control the child gets, the calmer you should try to project yourself -- if for no other reason than that parental excitement can just rev up a disregulated child even further.
3) I know it's hard, but when a child is acting out it usually means they are struggling in some way and are more in need of help/understanding than at any other time. My spouse said this a few times to me before I internalized it to the point where I could use that knowledge in the moment. Before then, was only doing a lot of after-the-fact reconstructions of what had happened and why.
4) Kids aren't machines; if the chemistry is off just a bit they can become terrors. We have learned the hard way that acting out is usually a side effect of fatigue. Not sure if that is true for you, but worth finding out if it is.

For what it's worth, ours eventually became a cheerful, hard-working, sunny child. If you can hang in there and support your child through the roughest spots as best you can, you never know what the future will bring. I agree with those who have recommended ways for you to get the breaks that you need; you can't adequately support your child if you yourself are falling apart.

[Anonymous]

Are you in this area? Lollipop Kids is another place to bring your child. They are on Facebook. Support groups on Saturday morning with volunteers to play with your child.