Argument with MIL( I love my MIL by the way)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreeing to it in theory is different from actually making it happen. Do you think your other SILs will even agree to it? Even if they do, it'll probably happen the first few months in then stop. You could maybe respond in a non-committal, "Sure, let me know when."

Regarding your MIL's reponse, sometimes you're so caught up in trying to make things okay in a strained relationship, you become kind of obsessed and fixated and can't really see past that. That's probably what's happened here.

I don't think the other SIL cares for her either because of a slip up by her husband (my other BIl), but I have never broached the topic with her as I think it would be in poor taste. I would rather let her form her own opinion of our SIL. She is fairly new to the family. I'm pretty sure she would just go with the flow.

I agree, but I meant how do both SILs feel about the monthly get-together? Is that something THEY would be willing to do?

I know for sure the SIL in question would get together because she is doing everything in her might right now to keep her husband (my Bil) from leaving her. Which is another story in and of itself. Although in the past she has never really hung out with us when we offered to have her come along, I'm almost certain she wouldn't say no this offer whether she wanted to or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreeing to it in theory is different from actually making it happen. Do you think your other SILs will even agree to it? Even if they do, it'll probably happen the first few months in then stop. You could maybe respond in a non-committal, "Sure, let me know when."

Regarding your MIL's reponse, sometimes you're so caught up in trying to make things okay in a strained relationship, you become kind of obsessed and fixated and can't really see past that. That's probably what's happened here.

I don't think the other SIL cares for her either because of a slip up by her husband (my other BIl), but I have never broached the topic with her as I think it would be in poor taste. I would rather let her form her own opinion of our SIL. She is fairly new to the family. I'm pretty sure she would just go with the flow.

I agree, but I meant how do both SILs feel about the monthly get-together? Is that something THEY would be willing to do?

I know for sure the SIL in question would get together because she is doing everything in her might right now to keep her husband (my Bil) from leaving her. Which is another story in and of itself. Although in the past she has never really hung out with us when we offered to have her come along, I'm almost certain she wouldn't say no this offer whether she wanted to or not.

Ah ok. That makes sense.

I agree with the PP about the misplaced anger/frustration. You're easier to talk to and you're not going to flip out at her, so in a moment of weakness she took everything out on you, partly because your'e safe since you otherwise seem to have a good relationship. If this doesn't become a pattern, and is just a one-time moment of weakness, I'd work past it and figure things out with her. I don't believe you were wrong in your response to her at all. But it seems like she had a lot invested in this suggestion and is having a hard time seeing past it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like mother in law likes drama and likes scapegoating people. Before she scapegoated sister in law. Now you may be the candidate.

Exactly. When people talk to you about others behind their backs, take notice. You are also being talked about. It took me 30 years to realize this about my own mother.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a really weird plan. I wouldn't agree to it either. I like my MIL and am very friendly with SIL, but I can't even imagine a scenario where the three of us would do something together with just us.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your MIL is way too involved in other people's business and that you've in a way been enabling her by listening to her bash your SIL. BIL & SIL's marital problems aren't hers to step in and fix, nor is the overall extended family dynamic.

If BIL and SIL are still unsure if they'll stay married, the best thing you can do is give them some space and offer support in the form of babysitting, not any additional social pressure.

The next time your MIL starts to go off on a family member, find a way to politely disengage. And wonder what she says about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your MIL is way too involved in other people's business and that you've in a way been enabling her by listening to her bash your SIL. BIL & SIL's marital problems aren't hers to step in and fix, nor is the overall extended family dynamic.

If BIL and SIL are still unsure if they'll stay married, the best thing you can do is give them some space and offer support in the form of babysitting, not any additional social pressure.

The next time your MIL starts to go off on a family member, find a way to politely disengage. And wonder what she says about you.

I agree. You've been helpful in advising your MIL to find a way to have a civil relationship with her DIL. But, the time has come for you to refuse additional discussion - or listening. I also think you were very reasonable in not wanting to do a monthly get together. Your MIL needs to find her own path and not expect you to be there to facilitate the mending of her relationship with DIL. Personally, I'd hate having a monthly girls night with my MIL/SIL. They're nice people but I need a buffer.

[Anonymous]

There's a lot of crazy going on with that family. But one thing that stood out to me was that the OP encourged MIL to reconcile with her SIL but then turned down MIL's attempt at reconciliation because of her own need for babysteps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot of crazy going on with that family. But one thing that stood out to me was that the OP encourged MIL to reconcile with her SIL but then turned down MIL's attempt at reconciliation because of her own need for babysteps.

How so? I think she was implying that she was willing to hang out every now and then just not a monthly commitment. She seems more like a peacemaker than a poop stirrer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like mother in law likes drama and likes scapegoating people. Before she scapegoated sister in law. Now you may be the candidate.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot of crazy going on with that family. But one thing that stood out to me was that the OP encourged MIL to reconcile with her SIL but then turned down MIL's attempt at reconciliation because of her own need for babysteps.

How so? I think she was implying that she was willing to hang out every now and then just not a monthly commitment. She seems more like a peacemaker than a poop stirrer.

Sounds like MIL needs a buffer too. But Op may not be the best buffer as she seems to have her own issues with SIL. Probably best for MIL to patch up her relationship with DIL and let things happen organically with the rest of the family.

[Anonymous]

Op here- thanks everyone for your feedback. My MIL and I just had an argument as I tried to explain to her where I was coming from. She didn't really want to hear it. So in the end, I simply told her that she and I are never going to discuss SIL again and that it's been a lot of back and forth and it's just too stressful for me as I have my own three kids and husband to worry about. Aside from the issue with my SIL my MIL is like one of those mothers where she's all about family sticking together, and she's from the school of I will do anything for my family. That's pretty much what she lectured me on, and although I feel bad, I'm not going to be guilted into doing something I don't want to. She kept asking me during the argument to give her reasons why I didn't like said SIL. This was a bit upsetting to me as I had no idea what she was trying to achieve. I refused and told her I dislike her for the same reasons you do. To which she responded" who told you I didn't like her" I was floored. I suppose All of those conversations I had with MIL were a dream. She also told me she was a grown up and suggested I was a child. I'm 36 years old and have always been pretty mature. Again I was shocked. I thought my suggestions is why MIL chose to change her attitude toward SIL. However, from our conversation earlier it appears that her son jumped on her about her treatment of his wife (SIL) and she doesn't want her son to be mad at her. I suggested that she and SIL go out alone together, she would hear nothing of it. So all in all. I'm not sure a real conclusion was met. The main thing is that she knows where I stand, she knows I'll treat my SIL with respect and be friendly, but am not open to a scheduled monthly night out. I'm not sure if this has affected my relationship with MIL. It saddens me to think so. But I have been a people pleaser all my life and it felt good to not give a hoot this once. It's been a good lesson all together. During this argument MIL told me about myself and let me know how she feels about some areas of my personality that she considers flawed. Perhaps this has been a good lesson for me in " getting a life". I have invested the majority of my time into my husbands family as my extended family is not close and live in another Country. I won't ever stress about BIL or SIL or MIL or any inlaw to the point that I'm so stressed that it causes me heart palpitations, and eczema breakouts. I can love them without getting pulled into the fray. This forum was a nice venue to vent, and to get feed back. Thanks

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you found out your MIL wasn't who you thought she was. Good luck disengaging a bit from all of it and finding some better outlets for your time and energy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- thanks everyone for your feedback. My MIL and I just had an argument as I tried to explain to her where I was coming from. She didn't really want to hear it. So in the end, I simply told her that she and I are never going to discuss SIL again and that it's been a lot of back and forth and it's just too stressful for me as I have my own three kids and husband to worry about. Aside from the issue with my SIL my MIL is like one of those mothers where she's all about family sticking together, and she's from the school of I will do anything for my family. That's pretty much what she lectured me on, and although I feel bad, I'm not going to be guilted into doing something I don't want to. She kept asking me during the argument to give her reasons why I didn't like said SIL. This was a bit upsetting to me as I had no idea what she was trying to achieve. I refused and told her I dislike her for the same reasons you do. To which she responded" who told you I didn't like her" I was floored. I suppose All of those conversations I had with MIL were a dream. She also told me she was a grown up and suggested I was a child. I'm 36 years old and have always been pretty mature. Again I was shocked. I thought my suggestions is why MIL chose to change her attitude toward SIL. However, from our conversation earlier it appears that her son jumped on her about her treatment of his wife (SIL) and she doesn't want her son to be mad at her. I suggested that she and SIL go out alone together, she would hear nothing of it. So all in all. I'm not sure a real conclusion was met. The main thing is that she knows where I stand, she knows I'll treat my SIL with respect and be friendly, but am not open to a scheduled monthly night out. I'm not sure if this has affected my relationship with MIL. It saddens me to think so. But I have been a people pleaser all my life and it felt good to not give a hoot this once. It's been a good lesson all together. During this argument MIL told me about myself and let me know how she feels about some areas of my personality that she considers flawed. Perhaps this has been a good lesson for me in " getting a life". I have invested the majority of my time into my husbands family as my extended family is not close and live in another Country. I won't ever stress about BIL or SIL or MIL or any inlaw to the point that I'm so stressed that it causes me heart palpitations, and eczema breakouts. I can love them without getting pulled into the fray. This forum was a nice venue to vent, and to get feed back. Thanks

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sure once time passes, everyone will get better perspective, but it's a good lesson for you. I had a similar one in trying to salvage some dysfunctional family relationships and got caught in the middle and blamed and villainized. It too became so stressful that I was having heart palpitations too (can't believe you experienced the same!) and other physical side effects of this mental and emotional stress. I was paralyzed and depressed because of the drama caused by others, so much so that it I felt like I was doing a disservice to my own family. Now I've stopped caring what people I don't respect think of me. It's a good lesson.

You explain your perspective once. And then stop. It's not your job to convince anyone of anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- thanks everyone for your feedback. My MIL and I just had an argument as I tried to explain to her where I was coming from. She didn't really want to hear it. So in the end, I simply told her that she and I are never going to discuss SIL again and that it's been a lot of back and forth and it's just too stressful for me as I have my own three kids and husband to worry about. Aside from the issue with my SIL my MIL is like one of those mothers where she's all about family sticking together, and she's from the school of I will do anything for my family. That's pretty much what she lectured me on, and although I feel bad, I'm not going to be guilted into doing something I don't want to. She kept asking me during the argument to give her reasons why I didn't like said SIL. This was a bit upsetting to me as I had no idea what she was trying to achieve. I refused and told her I dislike her for the same reasons you do. To which she responded" who told you I didn't like her" I was floored. I suppose All of those conversations I had with MIL were a dream. She also told me she was a grown up and suggested I was a child. I'm 36 years old and have always been pretty mature. Again I was shocked. I thought my suggestions is why MIL chose to change her attitude toward SIL. However, from our conversation earlier it appears that her son jumped on her about her treatment of his wife (SIL) and she doesn't want her son to be mad at her. I suggested that she and SIL go out alone together, she would hear nothing of it. So all in all. I'm not sure a real conclusion was met. The main thing is that she knows where I stand, she knows I'll treat my SIL with respect and be friendly, but am not open to a scheduled monthly night out. I'm not sure if this has affected my relationship with MIL. It saddens me to think so. But I have been a people pleaser all my life and it felt good to not give a hoot this once. It's been a good lesson all together. During this argument MIL told me about myself and let me know how she feels about some areas of my personality that she considers flawed. Perhaps this has been a good lesson for me in " getting a life". I have invested the majority of my time into my husbands family as my extended family is not close and live in another Country. I won't ever stress about BIL or SIL or MIL or any inlaw to the point that I'm so stressed that it causes me heart palpitations, and eczema breakouts. I can love them without getting pulled into the fray. This forum was a nice venue to vent, and to get feed back. Thanks

This is classic. Sounds EXACTLY like my mother. (I already posted about this.) The missing link and why you are floored to learn that your MIL doesn't realize she always talks negatively about SIL is that she is trolling for your negative opinions; that is what sticks in her mind when she talks negatively about SIL -- what YOU say. No doubt she turns right around and shares it with BIL and SIL herself. Glad you didn't take the bait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would it have killed you to try going out once instead of just flat saying no ?

This