Should I reveal Aunt's drug addiction to my kids?

[Anonymous]

I would talk to your sister first and talk about how to have this conversation. respect her and include her in it. This her life and her relationships with your kids that are also involved. I think there is benefit in kids being aware of addiction in the family but I think there is also benefit in kids seeing that people with addictions are still humans who have value and worth and should be respected. Not people we talk about behind their backs about their weaknesses.

[Anonymous]

My mother was a practicing addict until she died. I explained the problem with Grandma to my kids at around 4 and 6. They weren't much older when she died. (Single car accident, DUI). I would have preferred not to have that conversation, but they needed to know what the hell was wrong with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your sister first and talk about how to have this conversation. respect her and include her in it. This her life and her relationships with your kids that are also involved. I think there is benefit in kids being aware of addiction in the family but I think there is also benefit in kids seeing that people with addictions are still humans who have value and worth and should be respected. Not people we talk about behind their backs about their weaknesses.

You're cute. What addict is actually going have that conversation? What addict on the planet acknowledges and deals with their addictions in an honest way?

That is going to be a big, emotional dramatic family fight involving OP's kids.

No way in hell would I invite my addict family member to participate in a conversation with my kids about her addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your sister first and talk about how to have this conversation. respect her and include her in it. This her life and her relationships with your kids that are also involved. I think there is benefit in kids being aware of addiction in the family but I think there is also benefit in kids seeing that people with addictions are still humans who have value and worth and should be respected. Not people we talk about behind their backs about their weaknesses.

You're cute. What addict is actually going have that conversation? What addict on the planet acknowledges and deals with their addictions in an honest way?

That is going to be a big, emotional dramatic family fight involving OP's kids.

No way in hell would I invite my addict family member to participate in a conversation with my kids about her addiction.

I didn't say you should invite her to participate in the conversation with your kids. However she has an active relationship with the kids and sees them on a regular basis. She has also been ten years sober and had a relapse. I just believe in treating others with respect, you are welcome to feel differently. And yes, I have a person with an addiction in my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your sister first and talk about how to have this conversation. respect her and include her in it. This her life and her relationships with your kids that are also involved. I think there is benefit in kids being aware of addiction in the family but I think there is also benefit in kids seeing that people with addictions are still humans who have value and worth and should be respected. Not people we talk about behind their backs about their weaknesses.

You're cute. What addict is actually going have that conversation? What addict on the planet acknowledges and deals with their addictions in an honest way?

That is going to be a big, emotional dramatic family fight involving OP's kids.

No way in hell would I invite my addict family member to participate in a conversation with my kids about her addiction.

To answer your questions- one that is serious about their recovery. Every addict has slips. But if the aunt is seriously working the steps, I think it's worth a discussion with her to see how she feels about it. I wouldn't let her decide whether or not I tell my kids, nor would I necessarily want her having the discussion with her. But the key to recovery is honesty and if she's seriously trying to stay sober, I think its a perfectly acceptable conversation to have with her.

If the addicts in your family are active with their addictions, I agree with your decision. And even if they are in recovery, I wouldn't advocate for having them be the ones leading the conversation. But an honest discussion about addiction can involve addicts in recovery.

[Anonymous]

Wow! Am blown away by all the people who think it's okay to talk about someone's personal medical problems, life struggles, no doubt revealed in confidence, to their kids. This is justified by an object lesson, right to know genetics background rationale. i agree with the PP who felt that the sister need to be treated with the respect and dignity we would all appreciate others would treat us with. Addiction does not strip people of their rights to such treatment.

OP should not tell her children unless her sister, the addict, expressly endorses it. If i were the addict who had confided in her sister, I would feel hugely betrayed by revelation of that confidence. What if her sister had confided she'd had an abortion, had a serious mental health issue, other fill in the blank personal medical issue? Would that be okay to tell her kids without the sister's consent?

It would be an entirely different matter if the sister had exhibited active addictive behavior in front of the kids that would need explaining. But that is not what happened here. The sister worked hard to get ten years of clean time and had a sad, quiet relapse. She told her sister of her struggle. She has every right to expect her confidence will be honored.

Bravo to the sister if she were to talk to OP's kids about her challenges with addiction. But that should be her choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Am blown away by all the people who think it's okay to talk about someone's personal medical problems, life struggles, no doubt revealed in confidence, to their kids. This is justified by an object lesson, right to know genetics background rationale. i agree with the PP who felt that the sister need to be treated with the respect and dignity we would all appreciate others would treat us with. Addiction does not strip people of their rights to such treatment.

OP should not tell her children unless her sister, the addict, expressly endorses it. If i were the addict who had confided in her sister, I would feel hugely betrayed by revelation of that confidence. What if her sister had confided she'd had an abortion, had a serious mental health issue, other fill in the blank personal medical issue? Would that be okay to tell her kids without the sister's consent?

It would be an entirely different matter if the sister had exhibited active addictive behavior in front of the kids that would need explaining. But that is not what happened here. The sister worked hard to get ten years of clean time and had a sad, quiet relapse. She told her sister of her struggle. She has every right to expect her confidence will be honored.

Bravo to the sister if she were to talk to OP's kids about her challenges with addiction. But that should be her choice.

+1

To the PP who said this was fine because the sister had to be honest to conquer addiction, you may not understand the common understanding of honesty in an addict context. It first means honesty to yourself (admit you have a problem) and then honesty with a sponsor if you have one. As they work through the program, they will begin admitting more honestly about their problem to other people. It does not mean the addict should be forced into immediate honesty with everyone they know. That could be very damaging to a recovering addict, particularly a newly recovering one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who said this was fine because the sister had to be honest to conquer addiction, you may not understand the common understanding of honesty in an addict context. It first means honesty to yourself (admit you have a problem) and then honesty with a sponsor if you have one. As they work through the program, they will begin admitting more honestly about their problem to other people. It does not mean the addict should be forced into immediate honesty with everyone they know. That could be very damaging to a recovering addict, particularly a newly recovering one.

13:37 here. By no means am I advocating the OPs kids be involved in aunt's Step 9 work. Even if these young kids were directly harmed by aunt's addictions, I would recommend non-verbal amends as a way to mend the relationship and help with recovery. I was just answering a PP who asked "what kind of addict could talk about addiction?" The answer is an addict who is committed to their recovery. By no means do kids have to hear her First Step story and rock bottom behaviors, I actually think that would be a bad decision. But I do think the OP should talk to her sister based on her statement that she has been in recovery and just had a relapse.

Every addict relapses. Unfortunately its part of recovery. But so is honesty. And that's the beauty of the program.

[Anonymous]

Yes to OP initiating discussion with sister, who can continue it or not. Could be just to painful at this point.

No to OP telling her kids unless her sister specifically okays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They should know that they may be genetically predisposed to addiction and should be very aware of this as they are nearing the age when alcohol and drugs will be readily available to them.

This is very important! We made it clear to dd growing up that she might be genetically predisposed to addiction and we talked about the availability of 12-step programs. When she realized she had a problem, she addressed it relatively quickly and started attending AA. This may not happen to your kids but this is not just about your kids' relationship with their aunt, it's about their own safety as well.

Also it's possible they will have to deal with addicts in other parts of their lives. It's important that they learn that they can care for someone but not let that person's addiction run their lives. It's important that they learn about this now.