what is an emotionally abusive parent

[Anonymous]

My father had very high expectations academically and in sports. When I met them he was proud and praised me but when I didn't it was hell. If I got 90% on an exam his response was where is the other 10%. Or he'd compare me unfavourably to my friends. He trashed my room a few times. Told my brother and I we shouldn't have been born. Then when he got over whatever it was that made him mad he'd act like nothing happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread.

My parents overcoddled me, never let me do chores, or learn to be independent in any way, then when I was a teen refused to let me go out with my friends (just girls, just to their house, just to a movie), and did not prepare me at all for life after high school. We never discussed anything intelligent at home, they would push for high grades but nothing else, and would spend their time in front of the TV, or go hiking. They did not have friends, and refused me access to mine, and to any kind of practical life experience.
I met an older man in undergrad, went with him to the US (my father couldn't speak to me for months when I announced that, and we lived in the same house), and got married to him while I went to grad school. It took me 10 years after adolescence to feel like a somewhat functioning adult, thanks to my husband and the friends I met here.

My parents were very loving, but not good parents. This is what's so confusing to me.

Now is it emotional abuse, however? I don't know.
All I know is that I am raising my kids to be practical, social and reasonably independent. We like to discuss and experience the wider world and I welcome their friends in my house.

I think your parents were bad parents in not preparing you for the future (whether intentionally or not I can't say), and they isolated you from others. Now, they may be extreme introverts so not felt you needed more socializing after spending all day in school. But I'm an introvert with an extroverted child and I let her have as much social time as she requests as long as all her other things are being done (schoolwork, clean bedroom, etc.).

[Anonymous]

My emotional abuse was more blatant. My dad was an alcoholic who after one drink, got super-sweet and kind of weepy and quiet. He'd tell me how precious and special I was to him and then, after several more drinks, he'd snap.

In the course of a few hours, I could go from being his darling child to his most hated adversary; to include being screamed at and physically hurt. This was my early childhood.

I'd say that my dad's volatile, mercurial moods were an abuse in and of itself because I couldn't develop emotionally. Emotional abuse like this has physical and mental effects; I could never "fight back" or challenge my dad because he made it clear that he was in charge and in control. He hated displays of anger or sadness - he'd call me hysterical and out of control if I cried or challenged him.

If he wasn't screaming at me, he'd be hurling hateful words at one of my siblings and or my mom.

[Anonymous]

For those of you who escaped this cycle of abuse, I am in awe. Somehow you broke the pattern and got out, against all odds. What do you think enabled you to do it when other family members, and siblings, remained sucked into that black hole? I just have a lot of respect for people who grew up in abusive or dysfunctional environments and broke the pattern with their own children and families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who escaped this cycle of abuse, I am in awe. Somehow you broke the pattern and got out, against all odds. What do you think enabled you to do it when other family members, and siblings, remained sucked into that black hole? I just have a lot of respect for people who grew up in abusive or dysfunctional environments and broke the pattern with their own children and families.

20:26 here. Not sure if you were specifically referencing me, but I will say that breaking the pattern and cycle is constant work and the result of some simple decisions about major life events.

I chose my DH wisely. I certainly could have ended up repeating the pattern of emotional abuse and had my fair share of toxic, emotional abusive dating relationships; as a much younger woman, I thought I was not deserving of anyone who was truly kind.

I chose to never, ever drink alcohol...this revelation came to me when I'd "premedicate" myself before a party and I'm ashamed to admit, before I drove myself to a doctors appointment. That was 18 years ago and I'm known as a teetotaler.

My DH is not an alcoholic and I fell in love with him because he is so mentally...stable, a real straight arrow and an incredibly patient, loving and sensible man. Sounds cheesy and trite, but he was the first guy I dated who was himself drama-free.

As a result of extensive emotional abuse, I've sought therapy for the inevitable fall-out that subsumed my late teens and early 20s - an eating disorder, self-injuring behavior, anxiety, depression and panic attacks. Therapy gave me incredible insights. I take an SSRI for depression and anxiety, too. I also had a faith experience that was life altering and has brought me incredible peace.

Still, I falter. I can be emotionally volatile and scream at my kids in anger or frustration. Im not proud of this, but I always, always apologize to them and genuinely attempt to maintain a calm house. I don't keep secrets from them and I've told them about my very troubled upbringing. My dad would get angry at me and then not speak to me for days, sometimes a week or longer, so I'm a ready
apologist, like two minutes later, we talk it out.

These patterns are practically (literally) part of my genetic makeup. Alcoholism goes back in our family for generations. Kind of cool to think that perhaps I'll be THE one who ends this hellish pattern. It's exhausting work, though, to go against patterns that were established in my childhood.

[Anonymous]

My mother is currently on week 3 or 4 of ignoring me. I didn't send her another check to bail her out of her financial mess - she will not even try to get a job but also is too proud to get government help. She was pretending she was fine with it but now is back to ignoring.

Once she told me that she 'hopes I get cancer so that I know what it is like' after a relative did. That was a breaking point for me emotionally. When I go home and she tries to be sweet, I cringe a little but feel no warmth. She used to make me cry in dressing rooms with her criticism and tried to make problems with my husband.

My childhood was full of explosive fights and screaming. The weekends were awful. She'd scream about how messy the house was like a crazy bansee.

Now I'm married to someone calm and we have a calm house, right down to a calm toddler!

My mother is a nasty person. I remember being newly employed as a law clerk and she was telling me I could afford a 10k bedroom set or a 5k wedding dress - she wants to enable bad choices.

My sister listens to her unfortunately and has already quit two jobs, leaving her resume damaged because in my mom's world view if you're stressed at work they are "abusing you."

UGH.