Counseling first or just divorce?

[Anonymous]

Counseling depends on the extent of why you all are divorcing. If he is physically beating you day and night, skip the counseling. If you found emails that lead you to believe that he would have cheated, and he admits he was going to but never did, then counseling may work. Why are you all divorcing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am contemplating divorce, and while I think we cannot be happy in our marriage no matter what we do (we can just get along better than we do now, but that's anything but a happy fulfilled marriage), I also think therapy will give me a better understanding of why I chose someone who was clearly very different from me and for whom I had so many reservations.
Hopefully it will help me understand how to make better choices.

Do individual counseling, not marital counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am contemplating divorce, and while I think we cannot be happy in our marriage no matter what we do (we can just get along better than we do now, but that's anything but a happy fulfilled marriage), I also think therapy will give me a better understanding of why I chose someone who was clearly very different from me and for whom I had so many reservations.
Hopefully it will help me understand how to make better choices.

Do individual counseling, not marital counseling.

I did do five sessions with a therapist I used to go to before marriage, it helped a great deal. However, it just increased my feeling that the two of us are very different, and will not be happy together. However, I am not sure I am able to find someone whom I will really love and respect - because of the way I see myself and the world around me, because of my parents' family model, and many other things. That's why I want to continue a bit later.

[Anonymous]

even if you want to divorce, counseling is helpful. Often poor communication is part of the reason for the divorce and that only gets worse when you and the ex are trying to plan for the kids. Counseling can help figure out how to communicate with each other and work on minimizing the trauma of the divorce on the kids.

[Anonymous]

I have never been divorced, but I do know a number of people (including my wife) who have been divorced. The ones who felt that counseling helped were the ones who really were at a loss for why their marriage was crumbling and both parties were interested in making the necessary changes to rebuilt the marriage. The counselor helped them identify their issues and gave suggestions on how to fix them. If either party was not interested in making changes in themselves, the counseling rarely helped and they did not think that the counseling was worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am contemplating divorce, and while I think we cannot be happy in our marriage no matter what we do (we can just get along better than we do now, but that's anything but a happy fulfilled marriage), I also think therapy will give me a better understanding of why I chose someone who was clearly very different from me and for whom I had so many reservations.
Hopefully it will help me understand how to make better choices.

Do individual counseling, not marital counseling.

I did do five sessions with a therapist I used to go to before marriage, it helped a great deal. However, it just increased my feeling that the two of us are very different, and will not be happy together. However, I am not sure I am able to find someone whom I will really love and respect - because of the way I see myself and the world around me, because of my parents' family model, and many other things. That's why I want to continue a bit later.

Yes. I get it. The most important thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. And that means exploring these issues with the right psychologist, when you're ready. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. While I do believe my divorce was the right decision in the long run (and there wasn't any abuse or anything like that), I do wish we had sought counseling first. We did not have kids together, but looking back, I don't feel like I did everything I could to try and save the marriage, and I regret that.

+1 except we had a kid

[Anonymous]

I did marriage counseling for far too long - it cost many $1000s, and while things temporarily improved, it did not help in the long run because my ex had some serious issues that couldn't be overcome.

That said, I do think it is worth a try if only to understand each other and what has happened to the marriage. (That assumes your spouse is going to be open and honest at counseling.) I would just put a limit on the number of sessions you do, and be aware that if one of you has some big issues that will inhibit your ability to change then you won't have much success in saving the marriage.

[Anonymous]

I did counseling, and I'm glad I did, because, as a few other posters inferred, I can say I tried everything.

But honestly in hindsight, it was over before we ever stepped into that office. I don't think I would have known that, though, if we hadn't gone.