DD failed some college classes last semester. What do we do as parents?

[Anonymous]

I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest that it may not be a mental health issue (though it doesn't hurt to have her screened). I think lots of kids, when they get to college, can be overwhelmed by the freedom of campus life. That is, professors aren't going to call your parents if you don't show up for class because you decided to stay in your dorm playing video games. Also, of the people I've met who are into online gaming, a large percentage of them are what you might call "addicted", in that they shirk their responsibilities on a pretty consistent basis in order to play the games.

I would tell your daughter that you're not paying for her to fail classes, and that if she can't make a commitment to her education that you're pulling her out and bringing her home. Tell her that she can take the semester off, but that you expect her to find a full-time job. She will likely be more than willing to get back to school and work hard for her grades after a semester living at home with a job.

[Anonymous]

If you are paying, you should insist on sitting down and having her show you her transcripts online. See it for yourself. Most parents do this after each semester and do not just take their student's word for it. It really helps to take a light load 1st semester - even 12 credits is still full time. Being able to drop classes when a student gets in over their head is also important (I think even if it shows on the transcript as having dropped) Otherwise, the college has rules in place when the required gpa to continue - I would lean toward letting that guide the way. Of course I say that without knowing your D mental issues.

[Anonymous]

Why does who is paying matter? Either way, DD needs to assess whether she is ready for college, whatever the underlying issues. Many students take off a semester or a year and do well when they return to school, the same one or another one.

[Anonymous]

I am one of the PPs who suggested talking to the academic dean's office (I happen to work in higher ed and have seen many, many students in your daughter's position). If they put your DD on a leave for depression/gaming addiction (yes, there are lots of kids who have this problem), you might not have to pay for the housing for the spring semester. So, if I were you, I would first try to get my DD an appointment with a counselor (not a psychiatrist) to find out what the issue is (depression/gaming addiction/too much freedom too soon). A psychiatrist can provide meds, of course, but that might not be what your child needs. If it does seem like there is a medical issue, I would seriously consider keeping DD home for a semester. If you go this route, speak with the dean or academic counselor. It is much better to go on an initiated leave than it is to be forced to leave the university after the spring semester. Best of luck, OP. You are in such a difficult position, but please know you and your student are not alone. This happens quite often!

[Anonymous]

OP, when did your DD find out? If she just learned about her grades, too, I can see how she might not be ready to talk about it yet. But I would make it clear that you want to know what *she* plans to do about it: "I am worried about you, because I know you are a better student than that. So what do you think would help make your next semester go better? I don't want to send you someplace where you aren't going to be productive, and I am not going to keep paying tuition for an education if you're not getting an education."

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone urging her to pull her out over one failed class? My god. If she is depressed, dropping out of college isn't going to help that. At least give her another semester to get her self together.

First, what is the class? Is it a science or math class or Ancient Greek or something that may be pretty hard? I knew bright good students who came close to failing science classes (though they had the foresight to withdraw). How are the rest of her grades?

If she failed some easy English class and the rest of her grades are c's, that's a problem. If she got a's and b's and failed some premed chem class, well that's a different story.

Get her to a psychologist, as a psych may just put her on drugs and push her out the door in fifteen minutes. Does she seem to have made friends? If not, Encourage her to take the minimum course load and spend some time joining extra curriculars etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest that it may not be a mental health issue (though it doesn't hurt to have her screened). I think lots of kids, when they get to college, can be overwhelmed by the freedom of campus life. That is, professors aren't going to call your parents if you don't show up for class because you decided to stay in your dorm playing video games. Also, of the people I've met who are into online gaming, a large percentage of them are what you might call "addicted", in that they shirk their responsibilities on a pretty consistent basis in order to play the games.

I would tell your daughter that you're not paying for her to fail classes, and that if she can't make a commitment to her education that you're pulling her out and bringing her home. Tell her that she can take the semester off, but that you expect her to find a full-time job. She will likely be more than willing to get back to school and work hard for her grades after a semester living at home with a job.

I would agree with you if she was getting Cs. Its straight up hard to fail a college class these days. At an "expensive" college (as the OP said it was), you often literally will get calls from the school offering to make the classes easier, suggesting you see a counselor, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone urging her to pull her out over one failed class? My god. If she is depressed, dropping out of college isn't going to help that. At least give her another semester to get her self together.

First, what is the class? Is it a science or math class or Ancient Greek or something that may be pretty hard? I knew bright good students who came close to failing science classes (though they had the foresight to withdraw). How are the rest of her grades?

If she failed some easy English class and the rest of her grades are c's, that's a problem. If she got a's and b's and failed some premed chem class, well that's a different story.

Get her to a psychologist, as a psych may just put her on drugs and push her out the door in fifteen minutes. Does she seem to have made friends? If not, Encourage her to take the minimum course load and spend some time joining extra curriculars etc.

OP also has a thread going in another section so its difficult to parse out what she posted where, but her DD had a crisis (not specified) at school last year so this sounds like a lot more than "one failed class." There's something going on.

[Anonymous]

My parents went through this with my little brother, who is finishing up undergrad right now. It was new territory for them, because I went to a private liberal arts college right after high school, graduated in four years, and went to grad school immediately after undergrad. Not that I didn't have my own adjustments/issues/semesters with mediocre grades, but essentially I found my way through college and post-college life without too much parental guidance. But I think they dealt with it well, because my brother is back on his feet, so I'll share the story.

Essentially he went to a private college with a pretty good academic reputation, paying full tuition and his first couple years were a disaster. It was a combination of factors: immaturity, some issues with depression (our grandfather, who he was very close to, died while he was in college), and not finding his niche socially. He had some issue with violating some dorm rules regarding alcohol and had hostility from the administration which exacerbated things. After his second year of getting mostly Cs a few Ds, and failing a class or two, my parents said that it where he was attending was too expensive for this kind of academic performance and pulled him out and told him he could go to community college to get his grades up and then maybe consider transferring to another 4 year college that was a better fit.

So my brother came home, lived at home, and went to the local community college for a few semesters. This experience was GREAT for him in a number of ways. We went to a very large, competitive suburban high school where the expectations were very high in an affluent community, and so when he was in school he was always in the middle of the pack. Figuring out that he was able to get good grades, and that high school did prepare him well compared to many in his community college gave him some confidence after spending so much of his life as a small fish in a big pond. He was also exposed to a lot of kids who came from less privileged backgrounds, and a lot older military people who fought in Iraq or Afghanistan, and several people in other stages of their lives. This gave him some perspective and appreciation of the life my parents gave us, rather than his former private college which was also mostly full of kids that had similarly privileged backgrounds. He figured out what it was that he wanted to study (mechanical engineering) and was able to get involved in some robotics extracurriculars related to his major and find a part time engineering internship. He also got his grades up, so he was able to transfer to a four year college. I have heard him acknowledge how grateful he is that my parents made sure we always attended excellent schools, which is something I would have never heard prior to that experience.

He decided that it would be a better fit for him to go to a local commuter college (a four year university with a pretty decent engineering program) and live at home. My parents don't mind, because all they have to pay is in state tuition, not even room and board. Since he transferred, he has been much more focused, gotten excellent grades, and written a grant to continue the extracurricular robotics program he was involved in at his community college. He is a couple semesters from finishing college, and he'll finish around 24 rather than 22. My parents are still a little concerned about him figuring out independent life skills like dealing with bills and such on top of academic/work stress, but they figure that it's more important that he does well in school so he can be competitive in the job market than figures these things out all at once. It also crimps his dating life, so they figure that the real incentive to move out will happen when he finds a girl he wants to date seriously.

So I think pulling a kid out and doing the community college/work thing for a couple semesters can be really great. You can identify what exactly the issue is: mental health, immaturity, not the right fit for college, lack of perspective, etc. With some Fs and Ds on the transcript, some As from community college will probably be necessary to transfer to another reputable 4 year institution anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents went through this with my little brother, who is finishing up undergrad right now. It was new territory for them, because I went to a private liberal arts college right after high school, graduated in four years, and went to grad school immediately after undergrad. Not that I didn't have my own adjustments/issues/semesters with mediocre grades, but essentially I found my way through college and post-college life without too much parental guidance. But I think they dealt with it well, because my brother is back on his feet, so I'll share the story.

Essentially he went to a private college with a pretty good academic reputation, paying full tuition and his first couple years were a disaster. It was a combination of factors: immaturity, some issues with depression (our grandfather, who he was very close to, died while he was in college), and not finding his niche socially. He had some issue with violating some dorm rules regarding alcohol and had hostility from the administration which exacerbated things. After his second year of getting mostly Cs a few Ds, and failing a class or two, my parents said that it where he was attending was too expensive for this kind of academic performance and pulled him out and told him he could go to community college to get his grades up and then maybe consider transferring to another 4 year college that was a better fit.

So my brother came home, lived at home, and went to the local community college for a few semesters. This experience was GREAT for him in a number of ways. We went to a very large, competitive suburban high school where the expectations were very high in an affluent community, and so when he was in school he was always in the middle of the pack. Figuring out that he was able to get good grades, and that high school did prepare him well compared to many in his community college gave him some confidence after spending so much of his life as a small fish in a big pond. He was also exposed to a lot of kids who came from less privileged backgrounds, and a lot older military people who fought in Iraq or Afghanistan, and several people in other stages of their lives. This gave him some perspective and appreciation of the life my parents gave us, rather than his former private college which was also mostly full of kids that had similarly privileged backgrounds. He figured out what it was that he wanted to study (mechanical engineering) and was able to get involved in some robotics extracurriculars related to his major and find a part time engineering internship. He also got his grades up, so he was able to transfer to a four year college. I have heard him acknowledge how grateful he is that my parents made sure we always attended excellent schools, which is something I would have never heard prior to that experience.

He decided that it would be a better fit for him to go to a local commuter college (a four year university with a pretty decent engineering program) and live at home. My parents don't mind, because all they have to pay is in state tuition, not even room and board. Since he transferred, he has been much more focused, gotten excellent grades, and written a grant to continue the extracurricular robotics program he was involved in at his community college. He is a couple semesters from finishing college, and he'll finish around 24 rather than 22. My parents are still a little concerned about him figuring out independent life skills like dealing with bills and such on top of academic/work stress, but they figure that it's more important that he does well in school so he can be competitive in the job market than figures these things out all at once. It also crimps his dating life, so they figure that the real incentive to move out will happen when he finds a girl he wants to date seriously.

So I think pulling a kid out and doing the community college/work thing for a couple semesters can be really great. You can identify what exactly the issue is: mental health, immaturity, not the right fit for college, lack of perspective, etc. With some Fs and Ds on the transcript, some As from community college will probably be necessary to transfer to another reputable 4 year institution anyway.

Good for him!

I am taking classes at a community college to get ready for a career change, and I have been very impressed by how much work they put into making sure their students succeed. They are very focused on teaching their first time freshman "how to do college." It's awesome. I want my kids to take a couple of community college classes before they start their regular college programs so that they have some training in "how to do college" before they take the big step of enrolling elsewhere.

BTW, I went to a 4 year residential college that taught jack-all for life skills. I lived in a dorm and ate in a cafeteria. I learned nothing about bills or managing money in college. I still learned pretty quick when I got out and got a job and moved in with other people. It works out.

[Anonymous]

13:09 here. I remember it being a really rough time for my parents, because they felt like they were terrible parents, and were really beating themselves up over it. Both my parents are professionals with graduate degrees, worked hard to ensure that we always lived in nice neighborhoods with strong schools, they saved enough money to put both of us through private college even though that wasn't always easy, gave us music lessons, sports, tutoring, any kind of "enrichment," educational camps, read to us when we were little and sent us to nice preschools, emphasized academics, took us to museums, were heavily involved in our lives, etc. They were conscientious about trying to walk the line between giving us the best start in life and spoiling us, and we certainly had boundaries growing up. Everything that upper middle class parents think they are "supposed" to do. And even with all that, my brother still had issues finding his way.

It seems to have all worked out at the end of the day, but it involved a lot of patience on my parents' part and doing things differently for him than they had for me, since we have different personalities and needs. So I would say, don't beat yourself up over it, just try to take things one step at a time, figure out what the problem is, and figure out what she needs to succeed.

[Anonymous]

OP, do talk to administrators at the school and someone from the psych services there. This is not the first time this has happened to a kid at their school and they will probably be able to give you good advice.

My dd was struggling at school and realized that she had an addiction which she was managing on her own. Because she realized this herself, she wasn't in touch with anyone at school who could help her. Once we got her connected up with the right people, they worked with her on taking a medical leave (with very clear and specific requirements such as finding a job or doing volunteer work but not at a place owned by a family member or family friend). It was very clear they had dealt with this many times before and they were quite helpful. Dd moved home, got a job as a clerk, and started working on her issues and after a year petitioned to be let back into school, where she is now and thriving.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I did bad my first semester, put on academic probation and my parents told me to get it together next semester and if not I wasn't returning for the next school year. I brought my grades up and was able to return.

[Anonymous]

Same here. Started out with a 1.7 but had it above a 2.0 by the end of the year so I could return. The next year I had a 3.0 and my last two years I had a 4.0. It can be done.

[Anonymous]

This is precisely why some kids are better off living at home and going to a local college. That's what I would do if it were my kid.