How long do I extend that olive branch?

[Anonymous]

^^ Just send an annoucement like you do to every other person who is not but so close.

[Anonymous]

Have you been to therapy, OP?

I agree to send an announcement, but I also think you probably shouldn't be communicating with them much. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

I would send them any way.. Be the bigger person. Then no one can ever say you didn't try to at give them that.

[Anonymous]

Pp, at least

[Anonymous]

OP,
it's not totally clear to me that you have really decided what you want, your posts are contradictory.

I feel for you because I have often been in a similar situation with my parents (ambivalent feelings about how I want the relationship to go).


I think you DO care what they think, otherwise you would have just let this go..really. So my advice is to make a decision, name your boundaries and stick with it! And if you need some help, wait on sending out any more communications until you talk with some trusted friends and maybe a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP here!

Thanks for the responses.

Here's what I didn't mention earlier, because I myself hadn't realized it. Every time I have a milestone, I go through this. I think, yes they're toxic, I don't want a relationship, but they're my parents. They SHOULD know about my new house/kid/job whatever. I let them know, and I think subconsciously think to myself, they'll come around this time!

No, they won't. Ever. And even though I don't like tattoos, I should get that inked on my hand.

So I think it's good for me to have said, listen, I'm over the fight, and I forgive you, I think that's where it ends.

Not sure if any of you people have kids (sounds like some of you do), but you (or at least just me!) feel quite vulnerable when you're ready to give birth/just gave birth. I think given that vulnerability, I should definitely not have any contact with my parents. They're just super toxic (I Don't want to get into it, but trust me, they're super toxic). And every therapist I've ever had has underscored that.

I've decided to feel good about having cleared the air on my end, and not communicate any further with them. I also have a tendency to try to cheer them up (they're so twisted and bitter!), and I think to myself, you know I'll let them know the joyous news of their grandchild! This will make them happy! But they will NEVER be happy, and that's part of the reason they're such awful people to be around. They will only use this opportunity to bring me and my family down, as they've done over and over and over again.

Sorry for the rant, but I think some people were correct that I hadn't decided what I was going to do and feeling ambivalent. Now I decided, no further contact whatsoever. I am very happy when they are not in my life.

And just as a reminder to anyone else struggling with NP parents - They will NOT change, you CANNOT make them happy, and letting them back in your life will only expose others to their toxic behavior (like my innocent kids for instance).

Thanks for letting me work my feelings out!

[Anonymous]

Keep doing your duty of informing them of your milestones and sending pictures as you would to someone you know.

Not intimate details but just info about milestones and pics.

Do not expect anything in return. And do not engage too much (keep your distance) if they do respond. Be very polite.

[Anonymous]

OP, how well I know the feeling of "maybe my mom will really change this time and I can trust her." But it was only after I set limits with her and accepted that she wasn't going to change that my relationship got better. It got better because she couldn't push my buttons anymore and I was able to think of her the way I would about an anxious old neighbor lady -- easy enough to comfort her because her anxiety no longer set something off in me. But your parents sound a whole lot worse than my mom so who knows if you will ever feel that way about them. At any rate, you sound like a thoughtful, self-reflective person working towards an answer that will work for you. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much PP for your reply. My parents are really bad, so I think that it is best for my family to stay away. My husband really hopes that one day I can feel the same way you do about your parents - as an obnoxious neighbor lady - but I think it will never come to pass. They will do anything/say anything/hurt anyone just to get the best of me. Sometimes I just feel really sorry for them because they are so very sad, but as we all know, they will NOT change.

I so appreciate your comment. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to face reality and understand that you will likely never have a healthy relationship with them. Do you want your children caught up in this? They will NEVER change. You need to decide if you are ok with these blow outs and drama or if it's better for you and your kids to keep your distance. You might be able to tell I've been through this. I tried the emails and pics from a distance thing but that didn't work. Unhealthy people will try to drag you into their drama no matter how hard you try to rise above. My only solution was completely cutting them off. I don't need my kids exposed to that kind of crazy.

[Anonymous]

My husband is estranged from his parents. He hadn't spoken to them for years when we got married. Honestly, I've been with him for six years and still don't totally understand the dynamic, but what works for us is Facebook. That's about all the contact we have with them.

I'd put your efforts toward building solid relationships with your children, so the same thing doesn't happen to you someday (is that what this is about I wonder?).

I wouldn't worry what other people think about your relationship or lack there of with your parents. Everyone at least knows someone with wacky parent issues if they don't have them themselves. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Except that they do have some kind of power over you, or else you wouldn't be worrying about this. If they are a bad level of crazy such that you don't want them around your kids, then why extend an olive branch? You can't control what they do or how they think; only what you do and how you think. They are going to paint you as the bad guy to their friends, no matter what you do.

Just send them an announcement when your child is born. Then let it go.

+1
Stop trying, OP. Control only what you can control. They are not in your control. Looking for their response; wondering what their response will be, is still playing the game with them. Stop playing the game. The game is an endless life-suck. It will benefit your children and marriage if you don't play the game.

[Anonymous]

OP here!

Funny update:

They responded to my email after a few weeks saying they would only communicate with me if I apologized for everything I had done (seriously I have no idea what this would be) and would "pledge to treat every interaction with us as an opportunity to show my undying respect, gratitude, and towards them".

I'm dead serious.

I had a good laugh and just ignored the email. I may send them the birth announcement if I remember, but otherwise I'm steering clear.

Thanks for everyone's help and we are very happy (and tired) here with our newest baby!

[Anonymous]

Congrats, OP! That's wonderful news about the arrival of your newest baby!

I've been following this thread because I have a very similar family situation and some of the same emotions around the birth of a baby. I have no contact with them but I often grieve not having supportive family of origin when I have a baby or another big life event.

Just please know there are other moms like you (out in cyberspace) and pulling for your success as you build your beautiful family.

[Anonymous]

Offhand, OP, you sound pretty crazy, as well.