How was it to grow up in joint custody arrangement?

[Anonymous]

My son, 11, has been going back and forth between my house and his father's for one year (so it's still pretty new to him.) We have about a 60/40 split in time and live within one mile of each other and both within blocks of DS's school.

DS would tell you that going back and forth is the worst aspect of the dissolution of his family; he hates it. He says he feels like he's "always saying goodbye" (which he is, every 3 days) and that he misses me and his childhood house very much when he's at his father's place.

I'm ambivalent about this, actually. The court didn't order this arrangement, exH and I worked it out among ourselves. On the one hand, both parents are very involved in DS's life and adore him and BOTH of us believe that it would be detrimental to have DS only see his Dad every 10 days on average (in the 1980s-style "every other weekend plus some Wednesdays" model). That is, I believe it's NOT a good idea for DS to live with me (the much-more-hands-on parent) almost all of the time and see Dad less -- and it kills me when he's gone and I stlll believe that.

OTOH, DS is plainly telling us that he hates going back and forth and wants to stay with me more, and he can articulate why.

But kids don't always know what's good for them in the long run. In the long run, I don't think DS will have been well-served by seeing his father only 6 days each month. Especially since we didn't divorce when DS was a baby/toddler but rather when we had had 10 years to build a solid, verbal relationship with his Dad.

ANd before some assface replies that I should've stuck it out, that option wasn't offered to me since exH left me, and anyway, he was/is verbally and emotionally abusive to me.

[Anonymous]

your ex was verbally and emotionally abusive to you, and your son prefers to live with you and hate switching back and forth, but you still think your son is better off switching back and forth and being with his dad almost half the time?

how does he treat your son? most people who are emotionally abusive don't just target their wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:your ex was verbally and emotionally abusive to you, and your son prefers to live with you and hate switching back and forth, but you still think your son is better off switching back and forth and being with his dad almost half the time?

Yes, that is correct. I feel that it is my kid's best interest to continue the current healthy state of their relationship and not dismantle that by reducing their time together by 40%.

how does he treat your son? most people who are emotionally abusive don't just target their wives.

Thanks for your sincere concern. exH treats DS with care and unfailing concern for his well being. He is somewhat emotionally closed off to DS, but within the realm of normal.

I've noticed some parents of elementary and older kids do a joint share of one week here, one week there. I often wonder if that would be an advantage to the child vs. 3 days here, 3 days there.

[Anonymous]

I'm a teacher and I definitely think the 1-week with mom, 1week with dad split is better than switching every few days. It's too many transitions, and few kids are good with transitions, emotionally or logistically.

If your ex is willing to change to a week by week arrangement, then you could see about having dinner one night on opposite weeks, or trading days for driving to activities, so the child goes home to the same house all week but still sees you.

qp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my parents forced it, and my siblings and i protested frequently and loudly for years, YEARS! I TELL YOU, until they finally listened until they allowed us to live in one place.

I can not stress how much we hated it.

I get that. I've seen kids become very angry about it, understandably.

[Anonymous]

My sister and I grew up with a joint custody arrangement, starting when I was 7 or 8. No set schedule, a few days here and there based on my parents schedules. It worked out well because they only lived about 5 minutes away and never made me feel badly about having to make an extra trip to pick up something. I am not very organized and I was always leaving my gym shoes or homework at the wrong house. We bought duplicates of a lot of things. Got a new special teddy bear for dad's house and got to pick out a new bedspread. Several pairs of gloves and shoes and clothes so there was always something in the right spot. It wasn't that big of a deal to me and we never asked for a more permanent arrangement. None of my friends parents were divorced so I had nothing to compare it too, it was just my normal life. Our moms house was our 'home base' and we maybe spent a little more time there, and she was generally more on top of things as far as knowing when we needed to turn in a project or do our hair for picture day.

When I left for college, my sister (2 yrs younger) started spending more and more time at my moms house. Her relationship with my dad grew more distant and she became much closer to our mom. I am still close with both sides and I am very glad to have had more time with my dad. He was a little bit distant, not as outwardly affectionate, and if we were only there a few days a month I think we would have grown apart.

[Anonymous]

To the teacher: You must understand that many parents have jobs where that is just not feasible. Job demands are often the reason for the back and forth. Other factors, too, like homework supervision. If it's lax in one home, than every other week can undermine the flow.

[Anonymous]

I remember reading on this very forum about a girl who'd grown up between two homes who said when she got to college ... and here's where I expected her to say she loved not having to go back and forth ... it took her awhile to get used to not having to go somewhere. She felt restless. It depends on so many factors.

[Anonymous]

I would have hated being shuffled around so much! My mom had primary custody and we saw our dad on Sundays and for at least one weekend per month. We all lived in the same town and I feel like I was able to have a good relationship with my dad. We are still close.

If I had to do 50/50 custody, I would really try for one week on and one week off.

[Anonymous]

I babysat for a divorced dad who shared joint custody with his ex of their three year old son. Their apartments were two blocks apart on the same street and the child would switch back and forth each week. When dad had him, mom would take him for dinner in the middle of the week, and vice versa.
They started this when the boy was about two and it worked very well.

[Anonymous]

We originally did kids with me primarily, saw dad for dinner during week and every other weekend. Kids seemed to do well with that.

Then ex decided he did not want to pay child support and went to court for 50-50. My kindergartner recently said that when she grows up she looks forward to having a home, she feels like I have one and dad has one and she goes back and forth.

Older kid feels like she doesn't get as many invites, kids don't know where she is so don't call. She worries a lot about forgetting stuff.

[Anonymous]

It sucks from a kids' perspective. Would you want a job where you travelled constantly and had no home base?

It is an idea promoted by Father's Rights groups to avoid child support. It is a huge industry now but even a lot of THEIR kids beg for a home base.

The best thing for kids is the same arrangement that was in place prior to the split of the parents and regular time with both. My kids are so angry about it. One says he feels homeless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sucks from a kids' perspective. Would you want a job where you travelled constantly and had no home base?

It is an idea promoted by Father's Rights groups to avoid child support. It is a huge industry now but even a lot of THEIR kids beg for a home base.

The best thing for kids is the same arrangement that was in place prior to the split of the parents and regular time with both. My kids are so angry about it. One says he feels homeless.

See, this is something I just don't get. Kids come with all kinds of expenses, you don't just get a bill by the end of the day (so that you can make an argument that if he spends 50% of his time with Dad, Dad shouldn't pay child support.) There is one housing bill. There is one medical insurance bill. One daycare bill. One activities bill. How does that get reduced? it doesn't, it still needs to be paid in full. So the costs associated with the needs of the child would still need to be split somehow. What is the basis for this argument?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sucks from a kids' perspective. Would you want a job where you travelled constantly and had no home base?

It is an idea promoted by Father's Rights groups to avoid child support. It is a huge industry now but even a lot of THEIR kids beg for a home base.

The best thing for kids is the same arrangement that was in place prior to the split of the parents and regular time with both. My kids are so angry about it. One says he feels homeless.

See, this is something I just don't get. Kids come with all kinds of expenses, you don't just get a bill by the end of the day (so that you can make an argument that if he spends 50% of his time with Dad, Dad shouldn't pay child support.) There is one housing bill. There is one medical insurance bill. One daycare bill. One activities bill. How does that get reduced? it doesn't, it still needs to be paid in full. So the costs associated with the needs of the child would still need to be split somehow. What is the basis for this argument?

because mom and dad both have to pay housing expenses, and thus it is shared - and each gets to choose how much to spend.

I wanted 50/50 custody of my children because they need to be around me in order to learn things they can't learn from their mother as well as learn things from a male perspective. and its not about being able to have talks with them, its about consistent frequently modeling more than anything. every other weekend is not going to make that possible.

sometimes kids need things they dont like. and eegads, sometimes the kids things the mothers dont like too.

[Anonymous]

PP again - and btw, its not about avoiding child support - its about paying the appropriate share.

I want to pay half of everything and have half time. perfectly equal because I believe in equality.