sad about lack of extended family

[Anonymous]

All- I grew up an only child with few extended family close by. My mother addressed this by inviting non-family around on the all the holidays. Our neighbors would come, sometimes with the relatives who were in town as well. Or we would join in other families' celebrations.

There's no rule that says the holidays are family only. Start talking to your friends and neighbors!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm like you OP---one sibling and my husband has one sibling and neither is married or has children. The only thing is that I'm also struggling with infertility and can't seem to have kids of my own despite trying for years and doing IVF. So please, count your blessings. Being able to have 4 children and create your own nuclear family is a HUGE blessing.

Just let OPs story be her story. She is allowed to feel sad about her own situation. No need to try and one up her with your woe-is-me story. It isn't a competition - everyone has their own struggles and their own feelings. If you want to post about being sad about your infertility - go create a thread.

OP here. I'm still sad I do not have a large extended family and i think my feelings are completely valid. Nonetheless, her
insight reminds me to focus on the wonderful nuclear family that I do have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read the threads about people who are sick of having guests and assorted extended family in their homes for days/ weeks at a time, and change your perspective.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I feel sad about this too. I'm an only child, with no family in the area, and my parents live 4000 miles away. I only see them once a year. DH has two siblings, one who is estranged and one who he doesn't get along with. Neither of his siblings have kids. His parents are divorced, live 2000 miles away, and we don't see them often (he has a very dysfunctional family).

We spend every holiday alone, just the two of us, and it's very, very lonely. This year for Thanksgiving we just made a nice, regular dinner for the two of us and watched a movie at home. I do have extended family, but they live all over the place, mainly on the West Coast, and the closest kin I have is in the midwest. Unfortunately my extended family isn't interested in a relationship with me. DH isn't really close with any of his extended family either, and they all live thousands of miles away. We'll never have a week at the beach with family, or spend holidays with family, and it makes me really sad. We are expecting our first baby, and it makes me sad that baby will not have any cousins, or a close relationship with any aunts/uncles, and will only see his grandparents once a year. I am hoping we can make friends who are like family here, but we are not from this area and it has been really hard making friends so far as a married couple without kids. When we do have our baby we won't have any visitors, and we will have no help the first few weeks from close friends or family. It's very isolating.

Focus on the fact that you are really lucky to be having a baby! You'll have your own family now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm like you OP---one sibling and my husband has one sibling and neither is married or has children. The only thing is that I'm also struggling with infertility and can't seem to have kids of my own despite trying for years and doing IVF. So please, count your blessings. Being able to have 4 children and create your own nuclear family is a HUGE blessing.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Take your children to a sr. Citizens home to visit. Far too many seniors are put in homes and forgotten by their own children. They love meeting children and you can extend your family with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take your children to a sr. Citizens home to visit. Far too many seniors are put in homes and forgotten by their own children. They love meeting children and you can extend your family with them.

+1

I did this one holiday and it was a great experience to bring joy to others

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a bunch of 2nd cousins and regularly saw my 2 first cousins when I was littler. Dd has an aunt and grandparents that live near-ish (2 hrs). But aunt is not having kids it seems so no cousins. Bummer. My kids do have cousins on DH's side but they are all much much oldr and do not live anywhere at all near us.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have four kids and a husband, that is a critical mass. Your loneliness is not about numbers. What is it you think an extended family will provide that you don't have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a small family. I have 4 children, but neither of my siblings are married or with children (one reason I had so many kids).
My husband has one sib who lives far away.
I feel sad that we don't have a house full of cousins and aunts, uncles. Seems so lonely.
Our friends are all busy with their extended families; otherwise we'd host them.
Just venting. Maybe someone else has same experience?

I understand. I had many aunts/uncles and cousins who were older. Aunts/uncles are mostly dead and i lost touch over the decades. I have several children and they became the focus of my life-their schools, activities. Their life was here and did I go to their games, shows or travel for friends? You will be fine OP. Your nuclear family is most important.

Not lonely when you have 4 children.

[Anonymous]

I probably have the ideal of this - my kids have 12 cousins, all within a couple years of their age. Yes, it is fun (and loud and chaotic) and I am thankful for it, but from my perspective, having many siblings (assuming your kids remain close) is a much bigger gift. I grew up with many cousins, but am not particularly close to them now. My siblings, on the others and, are awesome. In 20 years, it's likely you'll be hosting these crazy extended family get-togethers you long for, with the big mass of cousins being your grandchildren (and after 24 hours you'll probably want to escape, like my parents!).

I am kind of in the opposite place, where I try to make myself feel better about having a small nuclear family (and thus my kids missing out on everything I loved about growing up in a big family), but I know I'm kind of kidding myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have four kids and a husband, that is a critical mass. Your loneliness is not about numbers. What is it you think an extended family will provide that you don't have?

I agress that the loneliness is something different going on. However as someone with a huge local family, there is quote a lot my extended family gives me. The way we support each other is tremendous. No child has ever been I daycare, no bill unpaid, no illness gone without care, no one grows old alone and in a nursing home, no divorce unsupported, and we pull our resources to help each other. We have a CPA, doctors, mechanic, electrician, and a financial planner. All of the cousins are growing up with a huge advantage in life and a head start

My brother lost hos job amd had a period of long unemployment. We all pool together and paid his mortgage. He would have lost his home otherwise. I know he would do the same for the rest of us.

Dont underestimate the power of a loving and supportive extended family.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP I feel for you. I have a similar situation What I do is really make a big deal of the holidays with friends. I now host a large xmas party just before xmas and invite everyone that we love. It is really festive and gets us in the spirit of the holidays. I have found doing this that there are a lot of people similarly situated and we all have so much fun. There are also friends who have family in who make a point to stop at my home because I have no issue with hosting friend's houseguests and it gives a break from their own cooking. My biggest advice is create the life you want and do not focus on what you don't have. Put it together and they will come! By the time actual xmas rolls around..I love our cozy morning! If this seems overwhelming--pack up your kids and go overnight to a hotel that had a huge holiday theme and that will also put you in a great mood!

[Anonymous]

We are in a similar boat. We have two kids. My sister has 3 kids but they live on the West Coast. DH has an older sister with 2 kids but they live in India.

[Anonymous]

Totally feel your pain OP. It's just me and DH (infertile). We try to have some traditions that help make the holiday special for us and we hang out with/entertain friends. This is a hard time of year for a lot of folks - it can really bring out pangs of sadness.