Mom keeps making comments about baby weight. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

And thanks to those with constructive advice...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is like this, OP.

She will comment on how fat I look (I was underweight even when pregnant), make personal and inappropriate remarks of every kind, and then accuse me of being "too sensitive" or pretend it was "just a joke" if I seriously ask her to stop.
It. drives. me. insane.
It seems to be a narcissistic trait, and I realize that my mother has always been this way and won't change. DH just tells me to ignore her - which is extremely hard to do, her words have to power to seep under my skin.
So in 10 years, 2 kids, and a few job losses and health scares, DH and I have learned to limit contact and divulge as little as possible while still maintaining friendly contact. Not the deep trusting relationship I was envisioning with my mother, but it's the best we can do.

No advice, just sympathy.

This is similar to what I went through. My mom will also say things like what did you do to your hair (I straighten in since it is unruly curly- just no pattern). I remember in my mid 30s turning the the car into a parking lot and slamming on the brakes for effect and saying if she continued, we were going back. She got off my hair- but will nitpick on different topics depending on what she focuses on. Not the best relationship- I keep my distance.

[Anonymous]

It calls for a Carolyn Hax "wow". Then silence. Then walking away. This sounds like a controlling thing where no rational comments (like, "My doctor says I'm fine, mom, but thanks for your concern") are going to make an impact. I think the best you can do is just not engage.

[Anonymous]

Call her out on it. Show her the dove fat talk commercial and tell her if she keeps behaving this way you won't let her see the grand kids since you don't want fat talk around your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom is the same way, even when referring to someone who is not pregnant. She would constantly make excuses for her rude behavior by saying shit like, well someone needs to tell them. as if overweight. People, or, in my case in pregnancy, didn't know they had gained weight and obviously wanted to hear the fact from her. My sympathies are with you.

[Anonymous]

If my mom were like that I would say "if you want to see your grandchildren, you have to stop talking about my weight" and if she keeps it up, cut her out. Seriously , she'll do it around your kids too. Why are people so mean???

[Anonymous]

"Wow, that's really inappropriate. . . " blank stare.

Or

"Mom, that's beyond rude and none of your business. If you can't control yourself, I'll have to leave."

[Anonymous]

"Well, fuck you too, Mom."

*leave the room*

[Anonymous]

"Mom, your comments about my weight are negatively affecting our relationship and making me not want to be around you. Just stop." And then subsequent follow-through with hanging up or leaving if she makes comments.

[Anonymous]

Notice a few new wrinkles on her face.

[Anonymous]

Remind her that there are nursing homes with chefs and activities directors, and then there are state-run facilities where the other residents steal your jello.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Last pregnancy I said things like stop calling me fat and stop talking about my weight. This time, I've started with no one likes to hear how much weight they've gained and I really dont like you talking about my weight.

I don't mind acting like a "grown up" , but I want what I say to be effective, so I thought I'd ask for advice.

Agree it's just an annoyance, but it's an annoyance that is working my nerves. And it does affect my relationship with mom.

OP, usually issues like this don't come out of nowhere and aren't isolated. Does your mom tend to do other things that work on your nerves? Is she, in other cases, critical and/or overly focused on appearances? I am guessing here that possibly your mom is like this in other ways, not just about baby weight gain. An alterative idea would be that maybe she, herself, gained a lot of weight when pregnant and hated that, and is projecting that onto you now.

Either way, it's beyond annoying.

If she is indeed a critical or appearances-focused person beyond this one issue, you know you're not going to change her ways, but you can treat her rather like one would treat a child who keeps saying inappropriate things: Remove your attention instantly.

Someone else made the good suggestion that you tell her not to do it then next time she DOES do it, you say, "You commented on my weight" and you exit the room instantly. I like this approach. Just remove your attention the moment she says what you don't want to hear. It's like walking out when a kid says or does stuff that's not acceptable -- it provides a bit of a shock initially. She is likely to get huffy and act all offended: "Why did you walk out?! We were talking! That was rude!" which is your opening to tell her very coolly, "I said last week (or whenever) that I am perfectly aware I'm gaining weight and the subject is closed. But you mentioned it again. So I will just leave whenever you do bring it up, because I've told you it's not welcome, and I don't have time to hang around talking about it. If you would like to talk about the baby's health or how the pregnancy is going that's fine, but weight is now off the table." Then change the subject immediately and keep changing it if she tries to go on about weight or tell you, "I'm only concerned about your health!" ("I have a very good doctor." Change topic or walk out.)

Remove your attention every time she does it, after one last, very firm warning that you KNOW what she is saying and there is no reason to repeat it. Ever.

One thing: If mom is like this with you, do you think she will go on about how chubby the baby is, or isn't, and in later years will focus on your child's appearance? If so, I'd be concerned about grandma's impact on the kids. If she's fine in other ways, that's great, but I'd keep an ear out for comments that focus on appearance.

[Anonymous]

"Mom, I don't want to hear any more comments about my weight. They are rude and hurtful and unnecessary. My weight is an issue for me and my doctor. If you make any more comments about my weight, I will leave/end the conversation." Then do it. "Mom, I told you before that comments about my weight are not welcome, and that I would leave if you made any more. So I'm leaving now."

[Anonymous]

You've tried being nice. I'd try again once more and the next time "hey mom, do you want to wait until I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight to see me? i'm happy to come by when the baby is 1"

[Anonymous]

I'd say, even if the comments are legit, she's not the person to make them. Your doctor is the best source for info. So that's what you need to focus on. One thing I say to my mom: "This is not your news to tell." That applies to santa, conception (we did fertility treatments), and yes, to your weight. And now, two kids later, we bombard our kids with "you have a perfect tummy" as they too get comments on their weight (always are too thin, or too fat, for my mom). Boundaries!!