Would you be upset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure. This begs for more context. It depends. Could you have mentioned it to him earlier? Sounds like dh wants to have a clear sense of how you'll spend your time at the in-laws.

This.

In isolation, no, getting angry about you not telling him before dinner is kind of ridiculous. It's reasonable to make a suggestion like that casually the next time you see him after talking to your sister.

However, if this is in the context of a history of being flaky - either you or your family (or you as an extension of your family) - and by flaky, I mean an unwillingness to make and commit to specific plans - then sure, this is probably setting him off - justifiably so - because it's part of a larger pattern.

Some people use flakiness and constantly changing plans as a form of controlling behavior: your husband can't reasonably punt on the trip, say he's not going or refuse to otherwise go along with the flaky behavior, unless he's willing to be "the bad guy" or the "unreasonable person". But he can't plan the rest of his time or life or set expections or anything else, because he has to be ready to change plans and jump or do whatever when the person who is in charge of deciding when

I had a girlfriend like this - she herself wasn't bad, but her mother was a nutcase (there was a clinical diagnosis) and would threaten tantrums, etc. any time anyone said "no" in any way shape or form. I couldn't care less - I'd have been happy to tell her to stick it. But my GF wasn't willing to stand up to her, so we were constantly jerked around - come earlier, come later - couldn't plan a thing. The entire household was dominated by this flaky behavior.

No idea if any of this applies to you or your situation. You asked if it was reasonable...nope, not in isolation (and his behavior could be signs of something ominous too), but this is a possible reason he might reasonably be upset.

you might be right, but in that case the husband would have been upset about the change of plan and simply insisted on keeping the original plan. I would have argued about going as planned no matter the weather. based on OP description, he is upset because she mentioned it at the dinner table instead of earlier in the day. sounds controlling to the point of abusive to me. but I still agree with you that we need more context. an abusive controlling husband would have for sure more instances of this type of behavior, so OP should consider if there is a pattern here, or just an isolated episode

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you might be right, but in that case the husband would have been upset about the change of plan and simply insisted on keeping the original plan.

How do we know he didn't/isn't? The OP doesn't say anything other than he's mad that she sprung another change of plans on him. Even if she or her family is being flaky, it doesn't mean he's handling it well.

I would have argued about going as planned no matter the weather.

I wouldn't have even argued...I would have simply said 'this is the plan we made, it is the one I am going to follow'. Period. I wouldn't get mad at all. I would just go ahead and do. I've been jerked around like this too much in the past, so I have almost no tolerance at all for it. Getting mad just gives the person who is pulling these kinds of stunts an excuse to ignore their part in the problem and blame it all on you and your "anger". Standing up for yourself is the best way to not get jerked around, and you can always do that without ACTING angry and sniping. He could have said, "let's stick with the original plan and if the weather really does get bad on the 26th, then we'll consider going a day later." And then do not change any other aspect of the plan - make it clear the change is only due to the weather.

based on OP description, he is upset because she mentioned it at the dinner table instead of earlier in the day. sounds controlling to the point of abusive to me.

That was actually the first thing that ran through my mind too. Having disproportionate reactions to everyday stuff is absolutely the stuff of abusive controlling behavior - but only if he's doing it all the time, day in day out. We don't know; OP only mentioned this one instance and she was fishing for "see, I'm right" validation.

but I still agree with you that we need more context. an abusive controlling husband would have for sure more instances of this type of behavior, so OP should consider if there is a pattern here, or just an isolated episode

Well, yes, and also: see if there is a pattern for either of them. It's possible that she's doing things - the flaky scheduling behavior for example - that really fundamentally show no respect or consideration for him, or subordinate his concerns to someone else's (her families' for example - this is classic, BTW, because the shitty behavior gets excused because "I'm just close to my tight-nit family" - I've got news, your spouse is first - they are your new family - ahead of mom and dad and sis, etc. - Momma's boys pull this shit too). And, he could be in a pattern of not calling it out and expressing his concerns and instead acting childishly - anger, pouting, etc. I mean: who knows?

In general though, I think these issues are proxy fights over other fundamental stuff which aren't necessarily pathological or clinical"abuse" (on her or his part).

Way more context needed.