Has anyone had it out with in laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last Xmas, after 22 years of biting my tongue, I had it. We were on vaca in FL and MIL just finally went too far. She always snipes and baits me - not sure if she's trying to prove she can do whatever she wants with impunity or if she's trying to get me to punch her in the throat! Anyway, I got up, told her if she felt that way, I was taking my kids and leaving (we were staying in another condo, thank god) and I haven't spoken too her since. Best. Decision. EVER.

cut mine off when my second was born - It's been almost 5 years.

best decision ever, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds really hard OP. I have a MIL who was very difficult. We didn't "have it out" per se, but we have taken some serious steps to manage the dynamic. Our rules are :

- husband and I are a united front.
- he is the first responder w/ his family, I with mine
- no one is allowed to visit for longer than 1 week unless someone has died or they crossed an ocean to get to us
- the schedule/rules/system that we use to run the house (bedtimes, nap schedules, mealtimes) do not change. If family dinners or events work within the household schedule - great. If they don't then we will not disrupt the kid's world to accommodate the adult wishes. (This was a major issue w/ twin infants and inlaws wanting family dinners out at 8 pm etc...)
- our nuclear family comes first - period.
- husband and I are a united front. Worth repeating!

Good luck!

nice!

[Anonymous]

I wish I could. My husband's thoughts are "well, they're not going to be around much longer, they're not going to change, what's the point?" I swear, these two will live forever just to spite me. They are toxic and just nasty, and now that my daughter is 4, she really understands their jabs. It's awful.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I really feel better reading everyone's responses so thank you. But still in hell over here. When you say cut them off, so DH was on board and no regrets? I'm not looking to cut them off necessarily. I'm looking for advice as whether or not to have a full-blown fight about everything now and let them decide whether they want to disappear forever, or if they will mend their ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I really feel better reading everyone's responses so thank you. But still in hell over here. When you say cut them off, so DH was on board and no regrets? I'm not looking to cut them off necessarily. I'm looking for advice as whether or not to have a full-blown fight about everything now and let them decide whether they want to disappear forever, or if they will mend their ways.

Don't have a full-blown fight about a bunch of issues--it's just going to be a mess. Start drawing lines about what treatment you will and will not accept, one line at a time. Don't muddle issues. "It's not okay for you to talk to me like that." "If you do X, you cannot stay at our house." "If you do Y, we will not be visiting this weekend." "I've told you that it's not okay for you to talk to me like that. Since you're continuing to do it, we're leaving now." Etc.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP, don't fight about everything at once, that will be overwhelming. Decide on the 1 or 2 things that will help you have a better relationship, clear them with your husband and then speak with your ILs about specific things that they do that you can't accommodate anymore. As nasty as they are, framing things in a way that shows them an alternative is way more helpful.

If you share examples of what drives you crazy, perhaps people can help come up with specific wording or advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had it out with my MIL ( I finally told her I had enough of her terrible treatment and if she wanted to be a part of our children's lives she need to respect our parenting choices) and to my surprise she's come along way. It wasn't pretty when it happened, she left our house in a huff but it's been 2 years and she's altered her behavior dramatically.

I had it with my own parents; they are good people, but were trying to get involved too much. After 3 years of not talking, we finally are okay. They are unbelievablly good now, and we enjoy each others company. So, I would either make your DH talk to MIL, or discuss it with him how he wants to handle it, but she needs to know her place.

[Anonymous]

Back to the beginning . . . if she blew up at your DH, how did he respond? It sounds like he needs to be the one to make the first move here. If you do, you will be seen as the antagonizing one.

If he does not see a problem, then leave it as his problem to deal with. Tell him you can't stand by and watch so you will tactfully remove yourself and let him manage it. Make yourself scarce during their visits or plan getaways of your own.

[Anonymous]

NP here. My MIL is snarky and smug, and thinks she is funny or witty or I don't know what. I ignore it. When I joke good naturally, she ignores it, too. So, we are just very different people that find it easier to ignore each other half the time. We could not come from more opposite backgrounds.

DH has told MIL off, when she has been anti-supportive or inappropriate at the worst times - a few times now. Though it is hard for DH, because his family should have gotten therapy DECADES ago, and that was unheard of. His family believes (with a straight face) that there are not any unusual issues. In which case, I have a bridge to sell you.

I'm not afraid to stand up for her, and really don't respect her lack of common sense at all. I am more than willing to stand up for myself, and that is the important part.

[Anonymous]

DH has fallen into a cycle where she gets super nasty and screams in our house. Doesn't care about grand kids being there or waking them. Doors are slammed. I can't stand it and feel like I'm under siege in my own home. It's terrorizing and I'm not exaggerating. I agree it's his issue but I do live here/my house and it's just weird and sad to hear a parent scream like that at her child. Plus I have to protect my kids from the craziness. Just don't know what to do.