Husband with Asbergers how to help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are in marriage counseling, I have my own therapist. Perhaps it was obvious but we were very young and I didn't see it. It has gotten much worse as our responsibilities have increased and I am more dependent on him to make our day to day life "work". I asked how to help him, but of course the criticism falls on me.

Yep, I get that fully. My husband is quite ADHD and I've learned I can't put important things on him. End of story. It sucks sometimes because I carry the lion's share of the load, and after the kids have grown, it might be too much of a burden physically to stay. When we are younger, we think love cures everything. It doesn't. It's not about love, it's about quality of life. You need to determine what you can and can't give on and draw your box.

You can help by being clear and emotionally detached.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He just doesn't get social cues, phone etiquette, body language and he challenges anything he believes to be inaccurate, no matter how trivial. This affects our marriage, his job and his relationships. How can I help him? He hasn't been given a legitimate diagnosis but it is extremely obvious. He's a good guy but I'm having a hard time accepting these quirks now that kids are in the picture. Help!

You need to address the specific issue that's bothering you but that begs the question, does your DH want "help" and want to change? If he truly has Asperger's, it's doubtful he wants to change.

At some point, you have to decide to accept the person you married as they are... Or get a divorce and find someone who is a better fit.

I say this kindly as someone married to a person with Asperger's for 25+ yrs and with a child and many relatives on the spectrum. ASD is a neurodevelopmental disorder and not something that can be changed at will. You either accept them as they are or not.

I second the Tony Attwood book recommended by the pp.

[Anonymous]

I never realized until reading this board that so many people had aspergers or ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Asperger's doesn't exist anymore anyway - it is now included as part of autism spectrum disorder, ASD. And considering that 1 in 54 boys are diagnosed as ASD, you're going to hear about it more and more.

Asperger's wasn't recognized in the DSM until 1994 so most adults are either diagnosed as adults or very commonly self diagnosed (many times b/c their kid gets diagnosed with ASD and they notice similar traits in a parent usually the dad).

[Anonymous]

I'd like to think Asperger's is a nice shorthand for people with ASD that are closer to the "NT" end of the autism spectrum. And, let's face it, even within the "NT" spectrum, there's folks who are borderline/closer to the ASD end of things -- and who could probably go doctor shopping to get a favorable diagnosis if they wanted to. I think I'm in that arena.

(Is the DSM-V canonical yet?)

[Anonymous]

PP, why would anyone want to dr shop for an ASD diagnosis? I'm honestly curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, why would anyone want to dr shop for an ASD diagnosis? I'm honestly curious.

You get a free Big Bang Theory t-shirt when they welcome you to the club.

[Anonymous]

You won't get anywhere throwing out a diagnosis.

What you can talk about is behavior, and the place to start is couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, why would anyone want to dr shop for an ASD diagnosis? I'm honestly curious.

A ready-made excuse for your behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You won't get anywhere throwing out a diagnosis.

What you can talk about is behavior, and the place to start is couples therapy.

I am sure that couples thrapists are now trained on ASDs but there are independently a huge number of targetted resources for people with asperger's. And if OP's husband does in fact have it, it is a syndrome that affects his life much more broadly than just his relationship with DW. DW should encourage him to get a formal diagnosis and then work with his doctor and the many organizations that support people on the spectrum to come up with a plan.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who's husband may be on the spectrum. He is really nice, but something is off. Does not ever make eye contact, when he gives you a hug it seems forced, really inappropriate comments and jokes. Sometimes I think he would be happy without ever having to socialize. He is GREAT with his kids though. I would suggest trying therapy as a couple and see if that helps.

[Anonymous]

What does "great with the kids mean?" If he takes care of their needs -- feeds, bathes, clothes them, drives them to school or activities -- that is different from being an involved parent who relates to the children well. Many ASD people have trouble relating to their own kids but can be great at handling their practical needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who's husband may be on the spectrum. He is really nice, but something is off. Does not ever make eye contact, when he gives you a hug it seems forced, really inappropriate comments and jokes. Sometimes I think he would be happy without ever having to socialize. He is GREAT with his kids though. I would suggest trying therapy as a couple and see if that helps.

Maybe that is because there isn't any pressure with his kids to behave a certain way?