Found a lighter in dd's jacket. Now what?
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Anonymous
Maybe she came to you to tell you the "holding the lighter" story because she spoke to someone in the interim who fed her that excuse? Have you checked her texts? (she might have deleted them) Really, have you ever found anything on her before that she was just holding for a friend of hers? bet not. Don't the other kids have pockets in their coats? bet they do…so her argument is that her role is to be an accomplice to her friend's lying? that's bad just on its own (but it's not true, she was smoking, OP) Anyways PPs have the "what to do next" comments. Just here to reiterate that the story doesn't add up. |
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Anonymous
| She is smoking weed. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks everyone. Good information and advice.
She is generally a good kid, just the usual teenage girl sassy stuff lately. No other incident with lying. My post may have seemed that I was doubting her but I was trying to convey the fact that I don't think that my kid is perfect or beyond some typical teenage transgressions. Also, I did listen to her last night. I thanked her for talking and told her that I do want to believe everything that she tells me. It was all very calm-I will say that I told her that I do have doubts-because I do. I will tell her that I believe her for now but if she blows the trust-her life will suck. I know that kids on sports teams who get good grades sometimes party the hardest. In our case, logistically speaking, she just doesn't have a lot of free time. Her sport takes a lot of time and energy and she spends a decent amount of time on school work at home. Also, she babysits a couple weekend nights a month for family friends. We do keep tight tabs on her-the only wiggle room is the occasional "hanging out with friends" in public places-Starbucks, Chipolte etc. After school on a Friday or during the weekend in blocks of time. For obvious reasons, I will tighten up those "hanging out" times but I also feel like teenagers should be allowed to have some free time together. The 45 minutes after the event last night was one of those moments where I thought it would be ok for a bunch of kids to go get something to eat together in a busy neighborhood. Clearly, those are the moments where stuff can happen and kids have to learn to make some judgement calls. She is a smart cookie, not sure that she uses her good senses all the time. Sometimes she goes to friends houses and I am one of those parents that will call the house to make sure an adult is home (of course there is no way to know the level of supervision). Also, if I haven't met the kid, she is not allowed to go to their house. Her friends hang out at our house too-watch movies, eat pizza, etc. Just trying to balance all of this. My parents were overly protective and I definitely lied to do what I viewed were normal teenage activities (ex. going to the movies with a boy at 15). I am viewed as one of the stricter moms of her group and I don't want her to clam up as I did with my mom. So lighten up or tighten up??? should I read her texts? I have done that in the past and my SIL who is a HS teacher told me not to-that she should be allowed to have private conversations. |
Anonymous
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I wouldn't read her texts. What are you going to do with that information? You'll read all sorts of things that will make you uncomfortable that you can't do a thing about. Once you tell her you are reading her texts, you've lost her trust.
All kids experiment and arguably its healthy (Read Lessons of A B-) but 14 is awfully young, too young. Of course 14 year-olds smoke pot but the odds of developing a substance abuse problem go up if a child starts at 15 or below. I think you give her the benefit of the doubt once. Maybe she is telling the truth. At the very least if you ever do catch her doing something you can say that you gave her the benefit of the doubt. But keep a very sharp eye out. |
Anonymous
Bright kids make some of the best liars. God--we got away with all kind if shit Senior year in HS because we were the good grades/team athletes. Nobody ?'d anything (school admins) and assumed the best. I see that in OPs posts. |
Anonymous
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My dad was the best at smelling our BS.
Once we were older he told us the wildest stories (post college) about his past. Player can't fool a player  .
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Anonymous
| We used lighters for eyeliner when I was in high school. Sigh. |
Anonymous
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Your teenage daughter's friends are experimenting with drug use, and your daughter is potentially experimenting as well? Heaven forbid they do what most teenagers do at some point or another!
Open the lines of communication: start what will be ongoing conversations about safe drug and alcohol use, (not) driving while intoxicated, legal ramifications of underage drinking, safe sex and consent etc. Tell her she can come to you any time if she is dealing with a situation that she feels is unsafe, is making her uncomfortable, etc. And for the love of god, don't read her texts! Step 1 to destroying your relationship with her. |
Anonymous
Ok, huh? |
Anonymous
I'm not the PP, but I remember girls doing this. It supposedly makes the eyeliner go on smoother by warming it up slightly. |
Anonymous
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My mom found rolling papers in my jeans and confronted me. I told her they belonged to a friend who rolled his own cigarettes. She gave me a hard look but it was the end of the discussion. We are more open with our kids and discuss things with them but I don't want them to experiment the way I did. If I found a bong in a kid's room there would be repercussions.
In college pot was smoked out of the water cooler bottle when we weren't drinking something mixed with everclear out of it. |
Anonymous
| It would put me on yellow alert and I'd be paying close attention here on out. But outwardly, accept what she has told you. Hope she's not lying. If she has a history of truthfulness, all the better. |
Anonymous
Teaching HS doesn't make her an expert on rearing children. Read the texts. You may be surprised--either pleasantly, or not so pleasantly. |
Anonymous
| She needs breathing room to have time with friends. Just don't let her sleep over at friends houses you are unsure of. Keep your eyes open because you can smell smoke or alcohol on anyone. When she goes out at night don't drink alcohol yourself. It would be harder to smell it on someone if you are drinking. My DH and I were just talking about this. The reason his parents did not know he drank was because his parents drank every weekend and then went to bed or were too buzzed themselves. Stay alert because you have a warning sign. If she is smoking pot or cigarettes that would be hard to hide, the smell and red eyes or just acting stupid. |
Anonymous
| I find that it is pretty easy to tell whether someone is smoking pot vs cigarettes. The cigarette smoke NEVER seems to go away. It just lingers...forever. On their clothes, their hands, their hair, etc. |