Has anyone used a couples therapist who

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe if OP and her husband would try what this therapist is suggesting, it would reduce the tension in the household and, consequently, lessen the tension between husband and wife. It sure makes sense to me.

Hello, therapist being discussed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. She is well known. Her name is often on this board.

Is she the one who is on this board, dropping her own name? I had that happen w/a daycare provider once...I thought she was awesome because so many people talked about her on the board. Turns out, she was the only one doing the talking.

[Anonymous]

OK, this is OP. Her name is on this board because she is also a child psychologist. Well-known. She would never ever have the time nor inclination to drop her own name on this board.

Now, perhaps I should have explained a bit more. First we went to one therapist, also highly recommended, but not nearly as fancy. We were about three months in and things were fine. I'd say my husband liked her more than I did, and that was because she did seem to be biased towards him, but I was down with that if it helped. So we're going along, three months in, when the therapist first tells us about her "2 opt out per year policy". By which she meant, we could only miss two sessions a year without being charged. For other missed appointments, no matter how much notice was given nor what the reason, we would be charged. I had heard about this "policy" once before in my life, but never experienced it personally. I found this policy obnoxious and greedy, especially for parents with two young kids who get sick and who have "teacher development days" and federal holidays and ... vacations of our own that we take like maybe sometimes. Not to mention our own schedules and possible conflicts. We figured that to see her with this policy would probably cost us 1K in services not rendered. I was especially furious that she did not tell us until we had made an investment of 3 months -- I didn't think this was any accident or oversight. And so we agreed to quit her. It was actually a bonding experience for us.

Then we went to someone fancy. And she is tending to view things through the lens of the family structure and the children. And yet, to just switch seems so ... I don't know. You have to find someone, and you have to explain yourself again, and who knows if you'll like the new=new one any better? Surely there will be some things about the next one I don't love.

It's just very difficult.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. We invested 4 sessions in a therapist who told us that she was Gottman-certified and would follow the Gottman method, but after 4 sessions of nothing but questionnaires, it was really a bait and switch for someone who wanted to promote Daniel Amen's Amen Clinics and ADD theories. All she wanted to talk about was how getting our brains in order would help our relationship.

It really sucks when you invest so much time and money into a therapist and then realize they're really just following their own crackpot agenda.

Your therapist's agenda actually sounds pretty good, but it's really not what you signed up for. I'd let her know that you are not finding that focus useful and give her one more session to be more responsive to your needs.

We're still looking for a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is like, really into it.

She is monitoring our workouts. Everything she thinks is important to wellness.

I personally agree with her opinions about an awful lot of this - sleep, exercise, etc. - but I really really really don't like the idea of a therapist telling you what you should and shouldn't do. That just sounds...completely wrong to me.

If she is offering suggestions about how to address problems that you all bring up - ie, giving answers to questions you all are posing - then that's another thing. Don't blame her for giving you answers you don't like when you ask the question. When you are all are in session and she asks you what's bothering you, do you all give her a litany of gripes about daily living (eg, dog walking, etc.)?

Still, good therapists listen to what is bothering each individual patient and answer their individual issues; they don't hand out blanket prescriptions for everyone to follow (that's something clergy, new-age shamans, self-help gurus and cult leaders do).

[Anonymous]

It sort of came up in the context of how much time I was spending with the kids. "So, X, what happens when you come home?" Me: "Well, I may wash my face, and then I walk the dog." "Could you walk the dog an hour or so later so that your kids could have more time with you?" Me: "Yes, I guess I could. Though that's a long time for him to wait." "I think that would be a good idea."

Therapist "What time do you get home from work?" "Around 7:30." "Is there any way you could get home a bit earlier?"

etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sort of came up in the context of how much time I was spending with the kids. "So, X, what happens when you come home?" Me: "Well, I may wash my face, and then I walk the dog." "Could you walk the dog an hour or so later so that your kids could have more time with you?" Me: "Yes, I guess I could. Though that's a long time for him to wait." "I think that would be a good idea."

Therapist "What time do you get home from work?" "Around 7:30." "Is there any way you could get home a bit earlier?"

etc.

I'm the PP at 13:59.

I have been in plenty of therapy - couples and solo. It has always - with several different therapists (not all were good fits - you have to find one who is a good fit) - taken the form of asking me a maddening number of questions about myself, or about "us" and about what is bothering me/us, and generally offering very little in the way of prescriptive solutions. To the point of annoyance and frustration: what are we seeing and paying you for anyway? Only once, in a horrible and toxic relationship, did the therapist tell us to do anything, and that was "go be apart for the time being" - separate houses. That didn't preclude my therapists from giving me "homework" but it nearly always took the form of getting me to arrive at my own answers.

I mean: if you all are a few months in and she's got all the background, etc., then fine maybe it's to the suggestion/solution phase. Still...this seems more like she's telling you all how to reorder the whole family (and you gut is telling you this is what is going on too) - and the whole family is not the client, you and your husband as individuals and your relationship are - rather than listening to you.

Of course, really hard to know with such limited information. Not to be antagonistic or obnoxious, but: are you sure it's not just that you and your husband don't particularly like what she is telling you to do and are looking for a reason to reject it/her? The best therapy I ever had (in large part because I was finally old enough/ready to hear/do it) involved doing a TON of stuff I just hated, felt was pointless and useless. It was even more annoying that I came around to see that I was completely wrong and happy with the outcome.

Good Luck!