Heartbroken: My mother has a terrible relationship with DD. Help?

[Anonymous]

OP, can you see how you fueled the issue more by telling your DD that Grandma was going to watch her brother's activity instead?

Rude to an adult? No, nip that in the bud now. The fact that you didn't come down on her in the moment is probably why she is bossy a bit bratty and probably not much fun to be around. Rude children don't get choices. There are a lot of options you could have picked which didn't include yelling, humiliating or shame -- again, I find it odd that you think those are the only ways to punish children?

Why not have your mom do things one on on with your DD? Why can't the nanny take your sone to do something and your Mom take your DD?

[Anonymous]

OP, no advice but mom is exactly the same way. My oldest DD is a way more demanding child and my mom makes clear that she favors my easier going younger daughter. I really don't appreciate her input, esp. as she only sees my kids 2-3 times a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you see how you fueled the issue more by telling your DD that Grandma was going to watch her brother's activity instead?

Rude to an adult? No, nip that in the bud now. The fact that you didn't come down on her in the moment is probably why she is bossy a bit bratty and probably not much fun to be around. Rude children don't get choices. There are a lot of options you could have picked which didn't include yelling, humiliating or shame -- again, I find it odd that you think those are the only ways to punish children?

Why not have your mom do things one on on with your DD? Why can't the nanny take your sone to do something and your Mom take your DD?

I agree.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell Grandma to keep it to herself or forgo future visits. She is undermining your parenting, your relationship with BOTH your kids, as well as as their relationship with each other. Stop this behavior before she poisons the well.

There might be some things for you to consider in reviewing her comments and reactions to your DD, to be sure- but review them and act on them on your own, as a parent, and do not involve her.

[Anonymous]

OP,

My 8 year old son has always been extremely calm and compliant. My 3 year old daughter is occasionally feisty.

My mother makes the same comments, but since my children are not the same age, it is easier on everyone. However, she has crossed the line multiple times, in this and other topics of conversation.

The problem is that your mother has no boundaries and thinks she can say anything, just because she's the matriarch. It's up to you to draw the line and hold it, even though she might go off in a huff or worse. You are the parent, you discipline and criticize your kids, not her.

If she denies it, you need to call her out on it IMMEDIATELY:
"Did you really just say X, Y, Z? No, Mom, I already told you you couldn't be rude in that way about DD. Please criticize in a more constructive way."
" Accept that DS and DD just have different personalities. I'm the parent, not you. I decide on the discipline. Period."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When she is being bossy and screaming you give her choices?

If she is rude to grandma and doesn't want her there, you accept her rudeness and say then grandma won't come.

I think you need an objective opinion on how your daughter treats others.

Maybe she is quite bratty and maybe your mother is difficult.

Do you say no to your daughter or are in the positive praise only camp? Does your mother see you discipline your DD when she is acting inappropriately or are you disciplining her away from your mother so she doesn't judge? If so, it may seem to your mother like she gets away with everything.

+1

OP, something about your post gave me the sense that your daughter has behavior issues that are a drag for those around her who aren't her parents. Your mom is wrong for calling her names, but maybe she is right that your approach is too soft somehow?

Anyway, 3 can be really challenging. If you have a parenting book you like, share it with your mom so she understands what you're doing. But as far as being rude to grandma or any other adults? Nip that in the bud ASAP!

[Anonymous]

I think Grandma and DD are two sides of the same coin. Both are bossy, opinionated, and dominating.

I think they look for people they can boss around. Ding! Ding! Ding! That's you and your other child.

I would sit down with the four of you -- Grandma, DD, Other kid, You and say "Grandma and Diva and Jason, we are all going on an outing to Bounce House. The rules are going to be that no one gets to boss anyone else around. I am the only boss. No one gets to make mean comments about anyone else, and everyone has to be nice. Does everyone understand?"

[Anonymous]

I agree that your Mom is handling this badly and you should absolutely nip it in the bud.

That said, I was recently hanging out with my cousin who has a totally normal 6 year old son and a 3 year old daughter who may be the dictionary definition of "feisty." Man did she make the day hard! Tantrums when she didn't get her way, demands to eat NOW (which Mom thinks are cute), want my shirt on, want it off, want to jump on the trampoline, on and on and on. Meanwhile her son and my two sons were just playing happily all day. Real eye-opener for me and boy did it annoy the hell out of me! She just isn't my cup of tea.

Some people just rub us wrong. Clearly your DD rubs your Mom wrong. She's handling it poorly but remember that people are people. Nip your Mom in the bud but cut her some slack on her emotions. We are who we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's kind of normal not to enjoy being around a kid that you find behaves like a brat. I think I would ask my mom what she means about your daughter being a diva. Sometimes when you live with someone you can't see what they are really like. Maybe your mom is seeing things that you're missing or not giving enough significance to. And, I wouldn't take comfort on what teachers and others outside your family think because most kids behave really well in school and with others. Clearly your daughter isn't ok with your mom is she's being mean.

Oh, she has no problem telling me! She thinks DD is bossy and makes everyone do things the way she wants them to. She is bossy, she can scream from time to time. But I don't believe that we let her get away with it. What we don't do is to shame, humiliate her or yell (which was my mother's MO). We give her choices and let her sort it out.

OP, there it is: You don't parent the way your mom would have done it, so in her eyes you're wrong and your child is a brat and runs the household. You are wise not to use your mom's old "MO" so stick to what you do -- after all, you know your daughter 24/7 and grandma only swoops in as a visitor who now is predisposed to look for "brattiness" in your daughter. She will find it because now she's going to be hunting for it.

Since mom's parenting MO was yelling (and shaming and humiliating?), why would you expect her grandparenting style to be any different? We sometimes secretly, even unwittingly, hope against hope that our parents will behave differently and better with their grandkids than they did with us when we were children. Is there any chance that on some level that was in your heart? Unfortunately, it's not realistic to expect our parents to be "different" as grandparents. If your mom was judgmental as a parent, she's going to be judgmental as a grandparent. Some grandparents mellow and behave better with grandkids but not all do it.

Does she stay with you on visits? I would end that! Would it help if, when she visits, she does not stay in your home but in a hotel, so she does not have gobs of time with the kids and they don't feel that their space is invaded? (They can't articulate that yet, but having another adult in the home, even a relative, can feel weird to young kids -- they feel things are "off" and they do sense tension among adults.) I would also suggest that visits be shorter and that there be time she spends with just you and daughter or just you and son, but not too much time where the kids are together and she gets to play "compare the siblings" in front of them.

And I do agree with the poster above who said that name-calling is totally out (and I would add, juvenile of grandma). Diva and brat are name-calling and hurtful to you even if your child never hears grandma say it. Tell your mom that you and your husband are doing the parenting here; you know your children better than she does; and you do not have to defend your family to her. The comment about "I worry for your family" was just needless drama. I'd tell her that you welcome her visits but you will not put up with names or favoritism. And then when either happens, whisk BOTH kids out of the room immediately and find them something else to do rather than be with grandma at that moment. When she bitches about it, just smile as you tell her, "We did discuss this clearly and I feel the kids need their own time and space right now." No engagement or argument.

It seems to me your mom wants some drama and maybe some attention on herself as well.