Reply to Heartbroken: My mother has a terrible relationship with DD. Help?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think it's kind of normal not to enjoy being around a kid that you find behaves like a brat.  I think I would ask my mom what she means about your daughter being a diva.  Sometimes when you live with someone you can't see what they are really like.  Maybe your mom is seeing things that you're missing or not giving enough significance to.  And, I wouldn't take comfort on what teachers and others outside your family think because most kids behave really well in school and with others.  Clearly your daughter isn't ok with your mom is she's being mean.  [/quote]

Oh, she has no problem telling me! She thinks DD is bossy and makes everyone do things the way she wants them to. She is bossy, she can scream from time to time. But I don't believe that we let her get away with it. [u][b]What we don't do is to shame, humiliate her or yell (which was my mother's MO). [/b][/u]We give her choices and let her sort it out. [/quote]

OP, there it is: You don't parent the way your mom would have done it, so in her eyes you're wrong and your child is a brat and runs the household. You are wise not to use your mom's old "MO" so stick to what you do -- after all, you know your daughter 24/7 and grandma only swoops in as a visitor who now is predisposed to look for "brattiness" in your daughter. She will find it because now she's going to be hunting for it.

Since mom's parenting MO was yelling (and shaming and humiliating?), why would you expect her grandparenting style to be any different? We sometimes secretly, even unwittingly, hope against hope that our parents will behave differently and better with their grandkids than they did with us when we were children. Is there any chance that on some level that was in your heart? Unfortunately, it's not realistic to expect our parents to be "different" as grandparents. If your mom was judgmental as a parent, she's going to be judgmental as a grandparent.  Some grandparents mellow and behave better with grandkids but not all do it.

Does she stay with you on visits? I would end that! Would it help if, when she visits, she does not stay in your home but in a hotel, so she does not have gobs of time with the kids and they don't feel that their space is invaded? (They can't articulate that yet, but having another adult in the home, even a relative, can feel weird to young kids -- they feel things are "off" and they do sense tension among adults.) I would also suggest that visits be shorter and that there be time she spends with just you and daughter or just you and son, but not too much time where the kids are together and she gets to play "compare the siblings" in front of them.

And I do agree with the poster above who said that name-calling is totally out (and I would add, juvenile of grandma). Diva and brat are name-calling and hurtful to you even if your child never hears grandma say it. Tell your mom that you and your husband are doing the parenting here; you know your children better than she does; and you do  not have to defend your family to her. The comment about "I worry for your family" was just needless drama. I'd tell her that you welcome her visits but you will not put up with names or favoritism. And then when either happens, whisk BOTH kids out of the room immediately and find them something else to do rather than be with grandma at that moment. When she bitches about it, just smile as you tell her, "We did discuss this clearly and I feel the kids need their own time and space right now." No engagement or argument.

It seems to me your mom wants some drama and maybe some attention on herself as well. [/quote]

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