reality check - for people whose parents live with them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father (age 85) lives with us. He as a small pension from the Army and Social Security. I do not take money from him. He often offers to buy groceries, take us out to dinner, buys an impromptu gas card or grocery store gift card, etc.

My father has nowhere else to go and I much prefer it this way then him living in some type of section 8 senior housing. This is the least I can do for him. I cannot dream of charging him a monthly fee for staying in our home, and my father is likely staying with us for a much longer time than your mom is staying with you, OP.

Life is not always a spreadsheet calculation.

Do you expect to inherit your father's estate?

If he qualifies for section 8 senior housing, his estate probably is not very large.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom took a big hit every month for 18 years (or more) raising you. Take the $200 and do not ask for more.

Or pay it forward with your own kids you have to worry about. Not like we will have pensions, SS, real estate boom, stock booms, etc to be given like older generations. Or ever increasing salaries, decreasing taxes, and no upcoming inflation worries.

[Anonymous]

Every generation has shit to deal with. Yours is not the first.

[Anonymous]

Good grief. Your mother is staying with you temporarily to recover from surgery and you are trying to nickle and dime her for her showers and a 1/3 of the house costs?!!

This is what happens when you value money above all else, above family, above relationships, above being a person of integrity.

Sad.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP.

While you're settling scores, have you paid your mom that back rent you owe for her womb?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP.

While you're settling scores, have you paid your mom that back rent you owe for her womb?

I think she should pay back her mother for all the doctor visits, food, clothing, rent, toys, school supplies, gas, electricity and any other expenses that her mother paid while she was growing up.

I mean seriously??? Wow, I hope I don't become a bitch like OP when my parents might need me one day. I kind of figured they took care of me when I was little through college I should only do the same for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good grief. Your mother is staying with you temporarily to recover from surgery and you are trying to nickle and dime her for her showers and a 1/3 of the house costs?!!

This is what happens when you value money above all else, above family, above relationships, above being a person of integrity.

Sad.

This.

[Anonymous]

I don't get how you're taking a hit -- it sounds like she's paying for her own meds/healthcare, so you has your food, utility, and gas bill gone up by more than $200 by having one extra person at home? Or do you just feel like she "ought" to give you more bc she isn't paying for her own utilities right now?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for those who provided constructive comments. I have no help from siblings, as they live farther away. The reigning view is that my DH and I have more money than we do (DC is expensive), and I as mentioned, we have had significant personal expenses of our own of late. I will chew on all of this. One person's food is more than $200, considering that she eats all of her meals at home.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I should have added that for those of you who aren't currently dealing with eldercare, just wait. It's very easy to be self-righteous when you're not dealing with it personally. I also have two DCs under three and a DH with serious healthcare issues, i.e. cancer; I hope you won't have as many issues on your plate to deal with when you all the perfect children to your aging parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should have added that for those of you who aren't currently dealing with eldercare, just wait. It's very easy to be self-righteous when you're not dealing with it personally. I also have two DCs under three and a DH with serious healthcare issues, i.e. cancer; I hope you won't have as many issues on your plate to deal with when you all the perfect children to your aging parents.

I am a poster who said I would never accept money. We are in the process of moving my MIL in with us. We have a small house, I don't work due to health issues and we have two young children. Sure, we could take her social security but that is her money for her basic necessities or to save for something she really needs. We plan to provide housing, food and other basic necessities (i.e. clothing). We will have to rearrange our finances, but family first. Its not about being self-righteous, but about finances. If she is rich, then she should help or put her in a nearby facility. Perhaps money isn't your issue but time and energy if you are a caregiver to two young kids, mom an a sick husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for those who provided constructive comments. I have no help from siblings, as they live farther away. The reigning view is that my DH and I have more money than we do (DC is expensive), and I as mentioned, we have had significant personal expenses of our own of late. I will chew on all of this. One person's food is more than $200, considering that she eats all of her meals at home.

10:44 here. I have no help from siblings either as my only sibling is an alcoholic on Medicaid (and many miles away). I think you need to consider just winging it. I have two kids at home, too, plus DH is a fed (e.g. no pay raise but at least the shutdown is done) and we have medical issues as well (one of my kids is SN). Fortunately for you it sounds like your situation is short-lived.

Sometimes the "we'll figure it out as we go" rule applies. If you think about it too much it can become overwhelming.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should have added that for those of you who aren't currently dealing with eldercare, just wait. It's very easy to be self-righteous when you're not dealing with it personally. I also have two DCs under three and a DH with serious healthcare issues, i.e. cancer; I hope you won't have as many issues on your plate to deal with when you all the perfect children to your aging parents.

You invited her to stay with you post-surgery, right? She didn't just pack her bags and barge in one day. This was an arrangement you made. You agreed to host. To accept any money now is extremely tacky. Yes, you are in a bad financial position, but I'm concerned you are seeing your mother as a source of income. She's there to convalesce....another "issue" as you call it. In other words, she's not there to help you out, financially or otherwise. You are lucky she's offering $200.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should have added that for those of you who aren't currently dealing with eldercare, just wait. It's very easy to be self-righteous when you're not dealing with it personally. I also have two DCs under three and a DH with serious healthcare issues, i.e. cancer; I hope you won't have as many issues on your plate to deal with when you all the perfect children to your aging parents.

You invited her to stay with you post-surgery, right? She didn't just pack her bags and barge in one day. This was an arrangement you made. You agreed to host. To accept any money now is extremely tacky. Yes, you are in a bad financial position, but I'm concerned you are seeing your mother as a source of income. She's there to convalesce....another "issue" as you call it. In other words, she's not there to help you out, financially or otherwise. You are lucky she's offering $200.

NP here. I disagree. And an extra person living is spending much more than $200 a month. We had our MIL live with with us for a while and would run us into bankrupcy if the arrangement continued. Bottom line, not all parents are the same. They don't all invest the same into their children, are not allequally financially responsible, and do not all have the same kind of relationships with their children. OP sounds reasonable to me. I am not sure why is her mother moving in if its only a couple of months. If not her mother, her siblings should contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should have added that for those of you who aren't currently dealing with eldercare, just wait. It's very easy to be self-righteous when you're not dealing with it personally. I also have two DCs under three and a DH with serious healthcare issues, i.e. cancer; I hope you won't have as many issues on your plate to deal with when you all the perfect children to your aging parents.

I am a poster who said I would never accept money. We are in the process of moving my MIL in with us. We have a small house, I don't work due to health issues and we have two young children. Sure, we could take her social security but that is her money for her basic necessities or to save for something she really needs. We plan to provide housing, food and other basic necessities (i.e. clothing). We will have to rearrange our finances, but family first. Its not about being self-righteous, but about finances. If she is rich, then she should help or put her in a nearby facility. Perhaps money isn't your issue but time and energy if you are a caregiver to two young kids, mom an a sick husband.

Please write back after you have lived with your MIL for a while. As of now, you have no actual experience.