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[quote=Anonymous]You and your ex have to be a team when it comes to parenting.  Her accusation about doing it solo and yours about the affair were both inappropriate.  You are ignoring DD's non-verbal cry for help by simply turning the problem back on her as solely one of motivation.  Your wife is nagging and yelling at her about homework.  Neither approach is useful.

Apologize for your part to the Mom, say you know she loves DD and wants her to have good educational opportunities and propose a new approach -- you and she partner together and tell your DD together that you love her and are concerned about her school performance and she is going to go see a Dr. who specializes in helping kids figure out what their strengths/weaknesses are and how to do better in school.  That Dr. will also tell both of you what are effective approaches to monitoring homework and encouraging achievement and goals reasonable to DDs abilities.

Then send DD to a good neuropsychologist who does school testing.  (Of course, you will have presented your wife with the bios and tentative appointments with 2 or 3 different neuropsychs and tell her that, if she agrees to the plan, she can select which one she thinks will be best.)  Not doing homework is not always a motivational problem.  The neuropsych will also be able to tease out how much any depression or family strife might be impacting student performance.

Sometimes it can be better for all parties to hear from a neutral source what the problems are, what the strengths are and how to move forward.  Your daughter might be more motivated when she hears from a stranger -- "you're smart but there are things you're not doing."  Your wife might be more receptive to a parenting plan to better motivate your child when it's proposed by an educational/psychological professional rather than you.  And I hope you would listen if the neuropsych told you, your kid can't perform because you are always sending the message she is unmotivated and lazy when really she has a fucked up home life with two parents who are fighting all the time.

It will cost money, but it is an effective way to take up this problem and keep your daughter's school failure from being a way to keep re-hashing the separation.  Also, think about this -- kids are geniuses at getting attention for a problem, even when it's negative attention.  As long as you and Mom are yelling at each other about her, you are "together".  Try to agree with each other that you will give special joint, enjoyable attention to her when she "performs" well in school.  My ex and I do "report card" dinners when our kids are doing well at school.  All of us together go out to a restaurant chosen by child to celebrate child's performance, and we always make sure there is no parental sniping that evening.

And, speaking from a position similar to yours (the cheated-upon spouse) -- fish or cut bait.  You told your wife to acknowledge the affair and get help if she wanted to maintain the relationship.  She hasn't done so.  You have to move on.  Sometimes people say one thing with their words and another thing with their actions/behavior.  Your wife is saying she wants to get back together but not doing what you said was the key to reuniting.  That speaks volumes more than the verbal "I want to get back together."  See an attorney, consider with an attorney what steps are necessary to ensuring that if you divorce you get partial custody during the week and weekend, so that at least on your time DD will be monitored appropriately for school work.

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