Are your parents kinder to other people than you?

[Anonymous]

My mother is like this. In my case, my father was the narcissist (yes, it was diagnosed if that makes any difference). He was also incredibly abusive, verbally, emotionally and physically. My mother's whole life revolved around him and accommodating him. And, it wasn't just because she was afraid of his rages. She WANTED to do it. I played sports all through high school, they never saw a single game and I had to arrange rides home from practice and to/from games. I showed animals in 4-H (we lived in a rural area). I biked to all the meetings, arranged to get my animals/projects to the fairs and they never saw a single event/show. I saved my babysitting money to pay entry fees and buy supplies. I look back as an adult, with kids of my own, and I feel like crying remembering how kind people were to me (and my grandmother as well).

After my father died, my mother re-married and that man became the total focus of her life. He was a nice guy and treated my mother much better but she made all her plans with him and his family. My brother was in the military, deployed and coming home for the first time in 4 years. She wasn't even going to come up from Florida (where she was wintering) for his arrival - he was coming home to the Midwest where we were all lived. Also after my father died, she went back to church and started attending regularly. She was so involved and devoted, people just thought she was amazing and wonderful. She was the same way with her adult stepkids (who had kids). We were going to back to the Midwest for a visit, at her request and during the time she requested, two years ago with our 3 small kids - until we found out that she wasn't going to be there. She was going to be two hours away babysitting one of her step-grandkids whose parents were going on a cruise. We were welcome to stay at her house but she wasn't going to be there. People think she's a saint and can't understand why her kids don't have more to do with her - we're such ingrates. If they only knew the reality is that she'll do for everyone else but not us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Narcissism is way over used these days. I wonder what "diagnosis" are children will have or us? Don't fool ourselves into thinking you won be judged just as harshly.

I agree. That said, some of us who post here are referring to clinical diagnoses, and have the kinds of life experiences with relatives that would shock and horrify you. I wish I were "way" over using the term and that it didn't have anything to do with my family. Now that would be a dream come true.

It's a spectrum - with varying degrees. It's not all or nothing. You may have been burned by a textbook narcissist but surely you can understand that there are varying degrees of intensity. And while there may be rampant over labeling at least it gives folks a framework to better understand life and hopefully better themselves through understanding. Knowledge is power, as corny as it sounds.

If you'd rather the world live in ignorance so you can hide from a potential label well then... I don't even know.

Looks like a combination comprehension/information deficit issue. As for the lack of information - you don't have to live in ignorance, PP. Do some research if you want to learn about these mental health issues. There are plenty of resources available.

[Anonymous]

My parents gave more to others than they gave to us but they weren't narcissistic or sociopathic - they just lived their faith. They always saw others who were less fortunate and helped them out. We had the essential necessities and so anything beyond that they used to help others in need. they believed any money or possessions they had was just loaned to them by God to be used by them to show the love of God to others. We sometimes went with very little and certainly learned young to be independent and responsible.

There were occasional incidents when I resented them or was just fed up with so many people in the house or their lack of availability while they were out helping someone else but because I knew their heart and that their intentions were good, it didn't negatively impact our relationship - more just a frustration along the way.

[Anonymous]

What about the takers? At some point you have to say, can this family really afford to give me this or that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The word narcissistic is spot on when it comes to my parents. My father wanted other people to respect him and look up to him so much that he actually sold us short and gave others a ton. His giving was not out of love. He also liked to have a hold on people financially, so once he gave you enough that you had to respect him, he moved onto the next one. He had a lot of money, but we lived like low income people. Interestingly, some of my siblings tell cousins the truth about what happened and the cousins sort of distance themselves from my father, but ironically, some have moved closer to him since they now know what makes him tick. They want to get a little cash here and there so they kiss up to him as needed.
In DH's case, his father abandoned his mother early on. FIL felt that he remarried up (not true). New wife came with 4 kids and he showered them with everything. Funny enough, now that they are grown they are extremely disrespectful of him, calling him names and so on. DH was surprised to walk into that house and hear the names they called him. FIL even told me once that he was so happy the day he made the last child support payment to DH's mother. I asked him why he thought I would want to hear that?
Anyway, I tell DH that even though we were not loved by these people, we don't have to repeat it. Outside of the regular charity, we take care of our kids and only our kids. Luckily, we have no needy close relatives to make us feel guilty, plus we are not rich.

OP, it's time to get therapy. Because you are really spoiling for a fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The word narcissistic is spot on when it comes to my parents. My father wanted other people to respect him and look up to him so much that he actually sold us short and gave others a ton. His giving was not out of love. He also liked to have a hold on people financially, so once he gave you enough that you had to respect him, he moved onto the next one. He had a lot of money, but we lived like low income people. Interestingly, some of my siblings tell cousins the truth about what happened and the cousins sort of distance themselves from my father, but ironically, some have moved closer to him since they now know what makes him tick. They want to get a little cash here and there so they kiss up to him as needed.
In DH's case, his father abandoned his mother early on. FIL felt that he remarried up (not true). New wife came with 4 kids and he showered them with everything. Funny enough, now that they are grown they are extremely disrespectful of him, calling him names and so on. DH was surprised to walk into that house and hear the names they called him. FIL even told me once that he was so happy the day he made the last child support payment to DH's mother. I asked him why he thought I would want to hear that?
Anyway, I tell DH that even though we were not loved by these people, we don't have to repeat it. Outside of the regular charity, we take care of our kids and only our kids. Luckily, we have no needy close relatives to make us feel guilty, plus we are not rich.

OP, it's time to get therapy. Because you are really spoiling for a fight.

Based on which words that the OP wrote did you draw this conclusion?

[Anonymous]

My mom is a retired educator and she always talks about how people relate to her and tell their life story to her. She gives some of the these friends money when they need it and says she is blessed by helping others.

I am an only child and when I took ill in my 20's she came to town and spent one night in my apartment and asked my doctor when he discharged me if he would give me a ride home. I was on bed rest for a week and she wanted to know why my Boyfriend's mom (who was in town visiting him) did not prepare my meals. Finally, when diagnosed with cancer she came for a week at the beginning before chemo and a year later came for a week when I had a mastectomy. The months in between she told the folks in the same town where I grew up that she was here taking care of my elementary and middle school children when she was actually in Atlantic City.

I tolerate her presence once a year or two at most for my teenagers. No, I won't go home in November when she is recognized as volunteer of the year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is a retired educator and she always talks about how people relate to her and tell their life story to her. She gives some of the these friends money when they need it and says she is blessed by helping others.

I am an only child and when I took ill in my 20's she came to town and spent one night in my apartment and asked my doctor when he discharged me if he would give me a ride home. I was on bed rest for a week and she wanted to know why my Boyfriend's mom (who was in town visiting him) did not prepare my meals. Finally, when diagnosed with cancer she came for a week at the beginning before chemo and a year later came for a week when I had a mastectomy. The months in between she told the folks in the same town where I grew up that she was here taking care of my elementary and middle school children when she was actually in Atlantic City.

I tolerate her presence once a year or two at most for my teenagers. No, I won't go home in November when she is recognized as volunteer of the year.

This almost made me cry. I hear you. It is sad and the rest of the world will never know the truth.
Just don't repeat it.
Tell your kids when they are old enough to understand so that they don't repeat it.
Best of luck with your treatment.

[Anonymous]

When my mom died, all of these people came out of the woodwork and told me how wonderful my mom was to them. She was never wonderful to me. I was sad, not so much that my mom was dead (old age), but that she had been wonderful to all these people, but not one of her own daughters.

[Anonymous]

These kinds of people thrive on attention from outsiders.