Sending money to in-laws...

[Anonymous]

I understand you, OP. I think it's pretty crappy that your DH tells you that you're taking food out of their mouths- way to guilt you!

We also sent my MIL $300 a month for a long time, before we had kids and a mortgage. She makes very irresponsible financial decisions (FIL too, before they divorced and he died) and it shows- out of the four of them- DH, two brothers, and MIL- DH is the only one who hasn't declared bankruptcy. My condition in sending money was that MIL had to show that she was also helping herself, not just expecting a handout. She got a second job and we helped supplement her income with the $300. She lives in a rural part of MO so the $300 was a decent supplement.

DH and I used to have "mad money" funds that we put $100 a month aside in. We agreed that we would give his mom the $300/month and if he wanted to give her more, he would use his mad money. We no longer help her monthly but do give on occasion for big ticket items that are necessities, like a new heating system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your situation, I would very much begrudge the money. If your budget is that tight, you should be saving for emergencies, not helping extended family who could further economize. Emergencies might include an emergency assist to the ILs, but not a monthly check that is theirs to use as they please. I agree with the PP that you and DH need to really sit down with your budget and talk about how your savings is dwindling rather than growing. That's not a good place to be.

I agree with this. And I would feel resentful of the ILs' choices, both past (failing to plan properly for retirement) and current (free spending at the grocery store).

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thanks for the thoughts on the separate money accounts, that is really good feedback before we have to have a sitdown on this one, 'mad money' is an awesome idea. I feel like if they are getting by on their current retirement + what we give them, which they do, then we don't need to up the amount - but it makes sense that if he wants to give them a little something extra for a special even that he should be able to do so without stressing about what I think.

[Anonymous]

OP again - and yes I am a bit resentful about it, but try very hard to put myself in their shoes...it must suck to have to take money from their kids too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks for the thoughts on the separate money accounts, that is really good feedback before we have to have a sitdown on this one, 'mad money' is an awesome idea. I feel like if they are getting by on their current retirement + what we give them, which they do, then we don't need to up the amount - but it makes sense that if he wants to give them a little something extra for a special even that he should be able to do so without stressing about what I think.

OP, I'm the mad money poster. The thing I liked about that system is that it made my DH put skin in the game, so to speak. It made him think about how if he gave his mom extra money, it meant less money for whatever it was that he really wanted and was saving for. I didn't suggest it to discourage him, per se, but to make him consider the effects on both MIL and him. I also suggested that he eat out less and could save some $$ that way

Good luck. I can tell by your posts that you are a genuinely caring person who's trying to do right by both your in-laws and your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - and yes I am a bit resentful about it, but try very hard to put myself in their shoes...it must suck to have to take money from their kids too?

I think this depends on the person. I would be completely humiliated to take money from my kids and hope never to be in such a situation - we save very aggressively for retirement. My mom was the same way.

OTOH, I have a friend who along with her DH, supports her mother. The mother is a thrift-shop addict and loves the movies and spends spends spends with nary a thought to what the impact is on my friend and her family.

Everyone is different.

[Anonymous]

I would never want to burden my children like that. Unbelievable

[Anonymous]

We give $1000 to my inlaws who waste it quite obviously. We are doormats. I have no advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never scrimp on things for my kids in order to subsidize my parents or in-laws. If I work hard (and I do), my kids are going to be the ones to benefit.

I say this as someone whose in-laws live in a developing country and wouldn't dream of taking money from us if it meant our kids suffered (luckily, we can and do send what we can afford, which is much less than $300/month, though).

+1

Can they get food stamps? I'm serious here. You have kids to think about.

[Anonymous]

"Can they get food stamps? I'm serious here. You have kids to think about."

+ HEAP?

[Anonymous]

Yes it just so sad that we have to look after our inlaws like mine because they never knew how to save money especially given that my MIL has a sickness that she had for more than 10 years. And to add to that is her other sons and daughter has the same problem with spending money and not saving. My husband is the only one able to work. And we really can't afford to send them money every month. It's just so hard to think that they have lots of money before and now they lost and we really can't help them. It really is important to save for your kids and your future for when that time comes you need the money, will your families be able to help you? Or it's better for them to also find other means like get money also from all the other siblings so that you won't have to neglect your children's need. My husband had been through a tough time when we we're married and our families never offered to help us it's just so sad that they only think of themselves but we were there when they needed our help.

[Anonymous]

Now is the right time to think of your family first. They already had their time to think about their future but they weren't responsible. Now you have learned it from them so that you won't be in the same fate as theirs. Money is crucial at this time and you worked hard for it so it's so unfair that they just wait on support from you especially when you have twins. Better yet ask them for help in taking care of your kids so to reduce your expenses on daycare that way they would understand what your real situation is. I hate people who just ask their family for money and yet they never worked hard to earn that money and to save for emergencies.

[Anonymous]

I would send them grocery store or walmart gift cards instead.

Also, there are nutrition assistance programs for the elderly, often with a social component. I would look into those as well.

[Anonymous]

We've been sending money to my in-laws for years. It was getting to the point where we were seriously in debt because they were constantly having "emergencies" and needing $1000 or $2000 to resolve them (they live abroad and pay cash for most medical care), which meant many of our monthly expenses had to go on credit cards.

DH and I finally had a long talk and decided on a set amount each month based on what we could afford - no more, no less. We did agree to send a little extra at the holidays, but we had to be able to afford it. That is key - I agree with the previous posts about laying out the budget and coming up with the number that way. In the long run, you will be better able to help out with their expenses if you get yourself on stable footing first.

I would also add please, please don't scrutinize the way they spend their money. Once you give them money, it is theirs. You will always find ways you would have spent it differently. I say this from the perspective of someone whose relatives borrowed money from me for "food" then went on vacation the next week. People will likely squander at least some of the money you send. You can't let yourself get angry about it. Consider whatever you give a gift and never send more than you can afford. If you are getting angry about the way they spend it, you are probably already sacrificing more than you should to give them money.

[Anonymous]

That is good advice - I shouldn't worry about how they spend the money, but do because we can't really afford to send it to them. Solve problem 1 - it will solve problem 2...