Vent: aging parents and changing relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP here. I've been avoiding reading here, but I'm glad I did because there are some really helpful posts. Thank you! I really appreciate hearing from people who have been there.

I do agree once it gets to the point of moving to assisted living I will have to let brother and sister know in some capacity. I'm going to read up on demetia. He's not going to to be willing to do an MRI any time soon even if a doctor tells him to do it, but if I get concerned enough I'll find a way to make it happen.

It is actually helpful to hear things get worse. I suspected that, but knowing this is common helps me to mentally prepare.

I've started lurking on some caregiver support sites. There is so much useful advice, but regardless of the site there is always someone who comes on gives these caregivers a massive guilt trip for complaining. I think venting is healthy.

I'm going to try to keep my sense of humor about all this. Some of the conversations I have with my parents are both upsetting and downright hilarious. Often I can keep things in perspective and laugh except for the days I have other things upsetting me or haven't gotten anywhere enough sleep.

Thank you again!

Let's face it-- becoming a caregiver isn't everyone's dream come true. It's not like taking care of a baby. A baby (ideally) grows up and becomes more and more independent. You see them grow little by little until one day they're on their own. With the elderly, it's a regression. The mind goes, the muscle coordination goes, the ability to feed yourself and go to the bathroom yourself goes... and the process of decline can last for YEARS because in some cases, the mind in gone but the body is just fine. It takes a toll on everyone involved in the caregiving process, even the ones who do it with a genuine smile on his/her face saying they don't need to bring in a home health aide because they love their parent too much to bring in a third party and wouldn't do it any other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, my parents have been dead for a long time. One of the things I still think about from time to time is how the relationship changed as they grew older, particularly my mom because my dad died on the younger side. Probably not what you want to hear, but this is just the beginning. By the end, I was like the parent, telling my.mom what to do just like she was a little kid, like put on your shoes before you go outside. That was hard, but the grumpiness was worse. It was like my mom lost her mental filters and said things that, frankly, shocked and embarrassed me. She got angry so fast at little slights and couldn't let them go. I've noticed this same thing with others as they've gotten old.

No real advice, except maybe try not to,worry about the what ifs and deal with them as they arise. You an make yourself crazy before you even have a problem. There are lots of supports for the elderly and it's likely that your parents have some friends who will help out a bit. Regardless, not sure of people's suggestion that you involve your family. So much of what you're describing now is the relationship, not actually needing to provide care.

NP here. How old were your parents when this started to happen, PP?
And OP, how old are your parents? Just wondering what to expect for my own aging parents.

[Anonymous]

Your immediate family--spouse and kids--come first. Get that straight and everything else will be easier.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Sorry that you're going through this. I can totally relate about siblings not being able to all contribute and all. I'm 1 of 3. The older while responsible is very selfish and has a horrible temper which he unleashes on me whenever he's stressed (kind of like kicking a dog). The youngest is very irresponsible and a lost cause.

I don't have much more to add except that I heard someone say that when it comes to parents the longer they live the more childlike they become. As their bodies and minds begin to fail them they start to resemble infants in that you can't reason with them and they may have incontrollable emotions. The only difference is that you can't tell them what to do and they may be totally aware of this loss of dignity. Particularly with your mother, please try to remember that and have as much patience for her situation. W/r/t your add maybe he should get checked out for dementia. I know that it won't solve anything, but it might be better to know what may be coming down the road and try to make some type of plans.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Why did you resurrect a year-old post?

[Anonymous]

Op, your dad needs a neuro consult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP here. I've been avoiding reading here, but I'm glad I did because there are some really helpful posts. Thank you! I really appreciate hearing from people who have been there.

I do agree once it gets to the point of moving to assisted living I will have to let brother and sister know in some capacity. I'm going to read up on demetia. He's not going to to be willing to do an MRI any time soon even if a doctor tells him to do it, but if I get concerned enough I'll find a way to make it happen.

It is actually helpful to hear things get worse. I suspected that, but knowing this is common helps me to mentally prepare.

I've started lurking on some caregiver support sites. There is so much useful advice, but regardless of the site there is always someone who comes on gives these caregivers a massive guilt trip for complaining. I think venting is healthy.

I'm going to try to keep my sense of humor about all this. Some of the conversations I have with my parents are both upsetting and downright hilarious. Often I can keep things in perspective and laugh except for the days I have other things upsetting me or haven't gotten anywhere enough sleep.

Thank you again!

Your dad needs medical care. Stop trying to diagnose him on the internet. Take him to a good neurologist. He may be on meds or have nutritional deficiencies that are making his symptoms worse. Some of the issues could be treatable. Go to the appt with him and take notes. Get him to sign a form allowing you to discuss his care with the doctor.

[Anonymous]

Who handles their bills? OP it seems like you might need to talk with them about POA-power of attorney. Although you are one of 3 it seems that you are the only sibling available.

Also I think traditional medicare coupled with supplemental from AARP is far more beneficial than private plans when skilled nursing or assisted living etc are needed.

[Anonymous]

Could you get a geriatric social worker in to evaluate the situation and make suggestions? Sometimes nothing can get done until there is a disaster, someone breaks a hip, someone has a stroke. Can you work on getting power of attorney for healthcare, and Power of Attorney for when they are not able to make decisions for themselves. I have been there. I have worse than an only child. I had to care for 2 elderly parents and deal with a mentally ill sister who was never in the right situation. I got as much help as I could.

At some point, you have to let go and let your parents know your boundaries. I finally told my dad (80-something), that I could no longer do stuff for him unless he moved into a retirement home and got some care from someone else. He lived in a home on 3 acres in Potomac and I was 40 minutes away. My mom was in an assisted living place and my sister was who knows where at that time.

[Anonymous]

Post is from last summer, people!

[Anonymous]

OP there are a lot of helpful books. I think it is good to start out slowly. Ask about their attorney and who to contact in case of an emergency etc. one thing I am slowly realizing is how different perceptions totally change the reality for me versus my parents.

My mom always said she would only stay in her four story row house until she can't go up and down the stairs... She and I have very different definitions of what constitutes the ability to go up and down stairs. She thinks having to have someone in front and behind her while she stops every few steps to catch her breath still qualifies as totally mobile.

I get it I really do. She used to run marathons. Getting old sucks.