Is grabbing spouse's car keys a form of violence and/or abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's controlling behavior and it is usually male on female, so yes, it is a form of abuse in my opinion. Whenever someone limits or controls your access to something you have equal ownership over, that's a form of abuse. You are an adult, not a child. Not good.

Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head - that's why I freaked out at that moment (screaming at him, etc - not really like me) - had one of those "teenage moments" - like when your mom does not let you do something just because she is stronger, you know? It was like "you are grounded and I don't care".
I just remember another thing like that. We have a joint account and several years ago he was the primary holder; so he once threatened to cut off my access. I got worried and set aside some cash (I SAH) just in case; then later when we spoke about it (after the fight) I told him he scared me so much I had to do that, thinking he would be ashamed - but he instead accused me of stealing (!), which led to another fight...
I realize it is a gloomy picture I am painting here, but otherwise he is a very nice guy who does not control me in any way (and often accuses me of not listening to him and doing my own thing, so he sees himself a victim in a way). So maybe he is just desperately trying to make me hear him out? I don't know.

[Anonymous]

OP, the fact that he "accuses" you of doing your own thing -- which you have every right to do -- is part of a controlling and abusive pattern. He sees himself as a victim because controllers believe they are victimized by others' independence.

This is a sick situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the fact that he "accuses" you of doing your own thing -- which you have every right to do -- is part of a controlling and abusive pattern. He sees himself as a victim because controllers believe they are victimized by others' independence.

This is a sick situation.

No no, I meant he thinks I do not take his opinion into account when it comes to shared decisions, like which car to buy, how to bring up our kid, etc.

[Anonymous]

"No no, I meant he thinks I do not take his opinion into account when it comes to shared decisions, like which car to buy, how to bring up our kid, etc."

Is what he thinks true?

[Anonymous]

This is interesting. I've debated taking my DH's keys. Not to control him in any way. Rather, to keep him from the immature and selfish impulsivity of storming out of the house in anger and leaving me with our young kids and the responsibilities of reality. I would never storm out the way he does. I can't. I don't have the luxury of bailing. He can cool of downstairs if he needs a moment. Not run out and go radio silent for an hour or more while I take care of the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know whether this has reached the level of abuse or not, but there seems to be a risk. Can you get counseling, ideally marriage counseling, but, if he's not willing to do that, support for you to help you figure out how to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Really, no one has asked what OP did to provoke her husband's taking of the keys? No one is defending his right to do so? No one is asking why OP is such a wuss and overreacting to such a silly, trivial occurrence? Good thing he didn't lunge at you and spit at you, OP, otherwise people would be asking those questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"No no, I meant he thinks I do not take his opinion into account when it comes to shared decisions, like which car to buy, how to bring up our kid, etc."

Is what he thinks true?

to some extent, yes.
I do think he is immature in a lot of ways; or his suggestions entail a lot of extra effort FOR ME, which he does not want to acknowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting. I've debated taking my DH's keys. Not to control him in any way. Rather, to keep him from the immature and selfish impulsivity of storming out of the house in anger and leaving me with our young kids and the responsibilities of reality. I would never storm out the way he does. I can't. I don't have the luxury of bailing. He can cool of downstairs if he needs a moment. Not run out and go radio silent for an hour or more while I take care of the kids.

OP here. My husband does that, too (takes off and comes back in a couple of hours). But I realized what kind of man he is when we had our first, and never debated to have a second. So I don't really feel like his bailing is affecting me that much.

[Anonymous]

Can you walk? If so, it's not "abuse." It's "inconvenient."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you walk? If so, it's not "abuse." It's "inconvenient."

Not everywhere, not in every weather, and not with the kid
Besides, why is HE the one to decide who does the walking? Isn't it supposed to be discussed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really, no one has asked what OP did to provoke her husband's taking of the keys? No one is defending his right to do so? No one is asking why OP is such a wuss and overreacting to such a silly, trivial occurrence? Good thing he didn't lunge at you and spit at you, OP, otherwise people would be asking those questions.

People do not "provoke" controlling behavior or violence. There is no excuse for such behavior.

Perhaps you are referencing another thread and being ironic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you walk? If so, it's not "abuse." It's "inconvenient."

Not everywhere, not in every weather, and not with the kid
Besides, why is HE the one to decide who does the walking? Isn't it supposed to be discussed?

I think in such a situation you're diluting the impact of the words "abuse" and "violence." Maybe he's being unreasonable and unfair and making things inconvenient, but it doesn't sound like it meets the threshold of abusive and violent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really, no one has asked what OP did to provoke her husband's taking of the keys? No one is defending his right to do so? No one is asking why OP is such a wuss and overreacting to such a silly, trivial occurrence? Good thing he didn't lunge at you and spit at you, OP, otherwise people would be asking those questions.

People do not "provoke" controlling behavior or violence. There is no excuse for such behavior.

Perhaps you are referencing another thread and being ironic.

That's just demonstrably untrue. If I kick a dude in the nuts, and he punches me in the nose, I have provoked violence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really, no one has asked what OP did to provoke her husband's taking of the keys? No one is defending his right to do so? No one is asking why OP is such a wuss and overreacting to such a silly, trivial occurrence? Good thing he didn't lunge at you and spit at you, OP, otherwise people would be asking those questions.

People do not "provoke" controlling behavior or violence. There is no excuse for such behavior.

Perhaps you are referencing another thread and being ironic.

That's just demonstrably untrue. If I kick a dude in the nuts, and he punches me in the nose, I have provoked violence.

No, in that example you've actually instigated the violence.