expectation of wife from inlaws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably, yes. But I'm just bad at that kind of thing even with my own family. (I adore my family and the ILs!) So, I tell DH he's in charge with his family and I'll look after mine. Mine get called regularly and presents (usually a bit late because I'm just terrible at keeping track of dozens of birthdays). DH regularly drops the ball with his. I'm pretty sure they blame me because somehow that's a womanly responsibility. But oh well.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are close to each other's families...so i call his mom a lot...sometimes he calls my mom...
I am the one who usually remembers about cards...for both sides...
It's sad that so many folks feel like they only need to communicate with "their" families.
But I do understand that everyone does not blend well...and do not consider their inlaws family.

I consider my in-laws family, but I don't see why that means I should take over his social connection with them. They're his parents, he's been calling them once a week for years, why would that change because he married me? Why would I start picking out cards for his mom's birthday (I do sometimes buy a card if I see one that I think she'd like, or suggest a gift for someone if I think of something, but he takes primary responsibility for that stuff for his family), or choosing gifts for his siblings? He's known them longer than I have, he's closer to them than I am. Ditto for him and my family. I sometimes send a photo of our kids to his parents if I'm sending one to my parents, etc., but he primarily handles contact with them. I primarily handle contact with mine. They're nice enough people, but he's closer to them than I am, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are close to each other's families...so i call his mom a lot...sometimes he calls my mom...
I am the one who usually remembers about cards...for both sides...
It's sad that so many folks feel like they only need to communicate with "their" families.
But I do understand that everyone does not blend well...and do not consider their inlaws family.

I consider my in-laws family, but I don't see why that means I should take over his social connection with them. They're his parents, he's been calling them once a week for years, why would that change because he married me? Why would I start picking out cards for his mom's birthday (I do sometimes buy a card if I see one that I think she'd like, or suggest a gift for someone if I think of something, but he takes primary responsibility for that stuff for his family), or choosing gifts for his siblings? He's known them longer than I have, he's closer to them than I am. Ditto for him and my family. I sometimes send a photo of our kids to his parents if I'm sending one to my parents, etc., but he primarily handles contact with them. I primarily handle contact with mine. They're nice enough people, but he's closer to them than I am, of course.

I wasn't saying it was your responsibility...
i was primarily responding to folks who were saying that "their" families were "their" responsibility and vice-versa
i haven't taken over my husband's connection...
was just saying that we both call each other's families because we have developed those relationships

[Anonymous]

I dealt with wedding thank yius and baby gift thank you notes separately. I printed and addressed everything (easy enough to do all while doing some).

But I wrote out the interior notes (from us both) and stamped and mailed the ones for my family and friends promptly. And left a neat stack of envelopes and cards and stamps on his nightstand for his friends and family. Who got them eventually I think... But the timing was his call


We both worked full time, and I do most of the baby stuff. I didn't see why my gender dictates I have to do all of that type if correspondence on my own. He is an adult and fully capable of handling it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. interesting responses.

i handle all the birthday/holiday gifts and cards and am fine with that and wasn't really the focus of my question.

i do get the impression that my MIL expects me to call her so we can gossip/chat but we have never had that type of relationship. and i don't really want it. i also feel like she expects me to call his grandma to catch up, or aunts, etc. i just think its a strange, old fashioned expectation and wondered if other MILs have this of their DIL. she has made comments to me in the past of other wives married into the family (like her SIL) and i think she just expects this of all wives.

My MIL is like that... She has very detailed expectations that are really old fashioned. She expected me to call my DH's grandmother, and cousins and everything ... I didn't do it, but I get the sense that I'm probably letting her down. Oh well.

+1 MIL is a boring busy body. I never call her and I don't give a shit what she thinks. DH's other relatives call me only when they are looking for free legal advice. I refer them to other lawyers.

[Anonymous]

My husband generally does the communication but I handle the holiday cards, presents, and thank you notes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. interesting responses.

i handle all the birthday/holiday gifts and cards and am fine with that and wasn't really the focus of my question.

i do get the impression that my MIL expects me to call her so we can gossip/chat but we have never had that type of relationship. and i don't really want it. i also feel like she expects me to call his grandma to catch up, or aunts, etc. i just think its a strange, old fashioned expectation and wondered if other MILs have this of their DIL. she has made comments to me in the past of other wives married into the family (like her SIL) and i think she just expects this of all wives.

My MIL is very old fashion and has given me names and addresses of relatives. She says, "Oh, they'd love to hear from you" or "It's her birthday." She's hinting for me to write them on behalf of her son. I don't do it though. I pass the message along to my husband and if he wants to call or write he can. I do, however, adore my very old MIL and call her weekly to chat, but it has nothing to do with what is expected of me.

[Anonymous]

Nope. My husband successfully avoids any communication with his family; and I gladly ignore that he does so.