My Husband Gets Stressed Talking About Money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Maybe private school is a stretch, but that's really not the point of my post. My issue is that my DH is shutting down when it comes time to talking about money. We carefully planned out private school and we knew how much it would cost and where that money was coming from. We also knew the sacrifices that we would need to make in order to send both of our kids to private school and we agreed that we would make changes. In practice, however, for the first time ever, we've had to budget and sometimes there isn't money in the budget to "play." We knew all of this going into it, and I think that we are very fortunate to be able to have this choice, albeit one that might stretch us a little thin at times. But all of that is somewhat irrelevant now. What is done is done. What I need to do is to figure out a way to get him comfortable with the way things are, and/or to discuss the issues so that if we want/need to make changes we can make those decisions as a family. And most importantly for him to have some piece of mind.

It does sound as if you ought to engage with your DH on whether he's still in favor of the private schools. It's one thing to anticipate the sacrifices; it's another thing to endure them. And he may feel like he's the one getting the short end of the stick if he'd be just as happy sending the kids to public school, but feels you and the kids are heavily invested in the schools.

You ought to be able to at least put that on the table. If he's not prepared to discuss expenditures that leave you cash-strapped, and reaffirm whether he agrees with them, he's not really a grown-up.

[Anonymous]

You make 3x? Ok so your HHI is what, $300k? $400k?

Cry me a river

Not necessarily. There is no need for this snark/judgement. Husband could be making $40k, she could be at $120k. HHI of $160k is good, but with daycare/school, finances could still be tight.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like maybe DH thought he was okay with private school but now the reality of that situation is evident, the cons are more than the pros. He probably didn't know how stressed out he would be by the lack of income and being stretched so thin.

Not having any discretionary income is a direct effect of private school so it is relevant. Assuming your kids are young - you could have a decade of this. Is it really worth your husbands physical and mental health? Stress takes an incredible toll on the body and can lead to both physical and mental illness. is it worth that?

It is kind of like someone wanting and planning to have 4 kids then reality hits after two and realizing you just can't do what you had planned to do. That the stress of actually living it is too much and has too great an impact. to keep your sanity and health, you revise the plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You make 3x? Ok so your HHI is what, $300k? $400k?

Cry me a river

Not necessarily. There is no need for this snark/judgement. Husband could be making $40k, she could be at $120k. HHI of $160k is good, but with daycare/school, finances could still be tight.

Sure, that's possible. But do you believe that I be the case? I sure don't.

[Anonymous]

Your husband values the luxury of not-worrying-too-much-about money more than the luxuries (discretionary spending) you desire. Thus his educational/career choices. If you want it (something) so much, you make it happen, I bet that's his true attitude. Clearly you are going to remain to be the one responsible/in charge. Do some individual soul searching -given the here-and-now of your financial situation, not wishful thinking. Then have a discussion about improving your situation - where you might live, where you to send your kids to school, etc.

Are you sure you aren't married to this guy:

Underemployed DH in late 50's. Should I just bag it and consider my self semi-retired?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You make 3x? Ok so your HHI is what, $300k? $400k?

Cry me a river

Not necessarily. There is no need for this snark/judgement. Husband could be making $40k, she could be at $120k. HHI of $160k is good, but with daycare/school, finances could still be tight.

Sure, that's possible. But do you believe that I be the case? I sure don't.

Why don't you believe it? I'm not OP, but DH and I have a combined income of $145. We are both lawyers who chose public interest careers. Maybe OP's DH similarly chose a public service career, like is a teacher or social worker, and she is in business or government.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You make 3x? Ok so your HHI is what, $300k? $400k?

Cry me a river

Not necessarily. There is no need for this snark/judgement. Husband could be making $40k, she could be at $120k. HHI of $160k is good, but with daycare/school, finances could still be tight.

Sure, that's possible. But do you believe that I be the case? I sure don't.

Why don't you believe it? I'm not OP, but DH and I have a combined income of $145. We are both lawyers who chose public interest careers. Maybe OP's DH similarly chose a public service career, like is a teacher or social worker, and she is in business or government.

Because if she made a modest / reasonable amount like that she'd just have said it. Using "3x" means she makes much more.