What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I have gotten older (I'm over 45), I've become more sanguine on this issue. I have several friends (both male and female) who engaged in affairs with married people. My male friend did it because he was in a truly miserable marriage (he had moved into their basement) and was just staying in the house for the sake of his kids---he thought his wife was a lousy mother and wouldn't leave until he thought his kids would be okay alternating between residences.

My female friends both had affairs with married men when they were single women. They weren't looking to break up marriages and they weren't interested in long-term relationships with the guys---they just genuinely liked the companionship of the guys in question. I do not think either one of them would do it again---they are generally honorable people and were at sad and lonely points in their own lives (one had just lost a parent, the other had just gotten divorced).

So while I am sure that there are a lot of slutty, low-self esteem, selfish sorts of all types who engage in affairs (I worked with someone who was a serial cheater on his wife and completely amoral about it), I also think that basically nice people can be flawed and human as well.

This friend who was divorced didn't have the empathy and wherewithal of understanding her actions on another family?

[Anonymous]

I think there are two different types of women. The first are those that throw themselves at married men and are truly out to win them. The other type are those that just fall for a man....who happens to be married. I assume you are thinking of the former.

The thing is, there are women who believe that each person is accountable for his or her actions. And if a married man begins the attention, actively pursues someone and they form a bond, some women believe that if he doesn't pursue them, it would end up being someone else. Especially if the woman isn't married. She isn't the one that made vows to you, or anyone.

[Anonymous]

Example 1: My friend's husband had an affair (their marriage was headed to divorce anyway but he began his affair while she was in the hospital). His affair partner was separated from her husband, had a very low income as a part-time nanny, was infertile and loved children. I think she saw my friend's husband as a golden ticket--high income, she'd get to be an insta-mom to 2 kids, etc. They are living together and she absolutely wants this to be a long term, serious thing.

Example 2: My friend had an affair with an engaged man (he was doing a temporary assignment in her office) and hooked up with a different man in a very long-term committed relationship (he later dumped the girlfriend, dated my friend and cheated on her too). Honestly, I think she's just lonely and desperate and I've seen numerous examples of morally questionable behavior from her. She felt badly about both affairs--but not enough to stop them.

Example 3: My husband once had a fling with someone. Ignoring the reasons why he did it which are their own story, the woman involved had serious mental issues (professional diagnoses, not just me speculating here). She certainly had no shame about the fact that he was married (she joked about being a mistress on her facebook page). I don't really know what her expectations were--they lived on opposite sides of the country and got together twice and neither had any plans to move, but she had built it into a very significant relationship in her head. She was angry at me when it looked like we were getting divorced (wtf?) and devastated when he broke it off with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you asked your question in a pretty loaded way, so I can't help but get the impression your DH as a "friend."

What do you mean? You are having an affair?

No, but your anxiety is clearly misdirected. Twice, now, with that question.

The question should read "What type of MAN has an emotional affair? I'm genuinely curious to know. Do you have low self-esteem? Are you lonely? Do you need the attention? No matter how much you complains about your wife, do you realize or care that you are breaking up your family?"

Seems to me OP is typical of the person who wants to paint other women as sirens which her dear sweet DH couldn't resist -- he was just TOO defenseless.

Your DH is the one who made a vow to you -- HE is the one you need to be thinking about.

THIS X 1,000,000!

No woman, no matter how sleazy or conniving, can make a man break his vows, commitment and respect to his wife and family. Only the husband (or wife, cuz married women cheat too!) is accountable to the betrayed spouse.

It is denial to focus on the other woman/man. You need to see your DH for who he is, what he's done, and evaluate where you are with your relationship.

Unless you're asking about the other woman because you're thinking of ditching DH and running off with her yourself, she's essentially irrelevant for what you need to decide now. Hold your husband accountable and take it from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Example 1: My friend's husband had an affair (their marriage was headed to divorce anyway but he began his affair while she was in the hospital). His affair partner was separated from her husband, had a very low income as a part-time nanny, was infertile and loved children. I think she saw my friend's husband as a golden ticket--high income, she'd get to be an insta-mom to 2 kids, etc. They are living together and she absolutely wants this to be a long term, serious thing.

Example 2: My friend had an affair with an engaged man (he was doing a temporary assignment in her office) and hooked up with a different man in a very long-term committed relationship (he later dumped the girlfriend, dated my friend and cheated on her too). Honestly, I think she's just lonely and desperate and I've seen numerous examples of morally questionable behavior from her. She felt badly about both affairs--but not enough to stop them.

Example 3: My husband once had a fling with someone. Ignoring the reasons why he did it which are their own story, the woman involved had serious mental issues (professional diagnoses, not just me speculating here). She certainly had no shame about the fact that he was married (she joked about being a mistress on her facebook page). I don't really know what her expectations were--they lived on opposite sides of the country and got together twice and neither had any plans to move, but she had built it into a very significant relationship in her head. She was angry at me when it looked like we were getting divorced (wtf?) and devastated when he broke it off with her.

I totally believe those scenarios. But what is your point? For the women engaged/married to those cheating men, what does the motivation of the other women have to do with the fact that now they are in a relationship with someone who violated their trust in a horrible way?

If you change the motivation of the other woman/man and your spouse still cheats on you, the personality flaws of the other woman are irrelevant. You've got bigger fish to fry: what are you going to do with your cheating spouse?

[Anonymous]

I think it's convenient, immature and reductive to sum up people who have affairs as patently broken and slutty. Monogamy is a long haul, and people become vulnerable to affairs over time. I hope monogamy becomes more fluid in my children's lifetime, because 30+ years of having sex with one person (or more often not having sex with them) after enjoying sexual freedom before marriage is a big loss for many.

I have some friends who have an open marriage. When I first got married, I was repulsed. 10 years later, I envy what they have and respect that they have figured out how to make it work.

[gent.in.nwdc]

Anonymous wrote:I hope monogamy becomes more fluid in my children's lifetime, because 30+ years of having sex with one person (or more often not having sex with them) after enjoying sexual freedom before marriage is a big loss for many.

I have some friends who have an open marriage. When I first got married, I was repulsed. 10 years later, I envy what they have and respect that they have figured out how to make it work.

That fluidity is already happening on a much larger scale than you realize. A lot of people under 30 are all about the open arrangements, especially when distance and work commitments are interfering with a healthy sex life. And they don't have to be ashamed about it or be tagged with the creepy "swingers" label.

The institution of marriage is going through radical change right now, and just not in regards to gay marriage.

[Anonymous]

The characteristics of such a woman are the same characteristics of a man who would cheat on his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you asked your question in a pretty loaded way, so I can't help but get the impression your DH as a "friend."

What do you mean? You are having an affair?

No, but your anxiety is clearly misdirected. Twice, now, with that question.

The question should read "What type of MAN has an emotional affair? I'm genuinely curious to know. Do you have low self-esteem? Are you lonely? Do you need the attention? No matter how much you complains about your wife, do you realize or care that you are breaking up your family?"

Seems to me OP is typical of the person who wants to paint other women as sirens which her dear sweet DH couldn't resist -- he was just TOO defenseless.

Your DH is the one who made a vow to you -- HE is the one you need to be thinking about.

THIS X 1,000,000!

No woman, no matter how sleazy or conniving, can make a man break his vows, commitment and respect to his wife and family. Only the husband (or wife, cuz married women cheat too!) is accountable to the betrayed spouse.

It is denial to focus on the other woman/man. You need to see your DH for who he is, what he's done, and evaluate where you are with your relationship.

Unless you're asking about the other woman because you're thinking of ditching DH and running off with her yourself, she's essentially irrelevant for what you need to decide now. Hold your husband accountable and take it from there.

+1

[Anonymous]

The cheating husband is responsible for his actions. But, so too, is the woman with whom he is cheating. If I feed booze to an alcoholic for my own fun & profit, then I have some culpability. If the alcoholic then goes out, drives drunk, and kills someone; he should go to jail. But I have some culpability as well.

If a kid's home is wrecked by a cheating father; the blame is primarily on the father. But the other woman is not blameless in that situation. It was a foreseeable result that her actions would harm the child.

Oh, and this is an aside, but on various forums I've seen people talking about having sex with their "emotional affair." At that point, it's just an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you asked your question in a pretty loaded way, so I can't help but get the impression your DH as a "friend."

What do you mean? You are having an affair?

No, but your anxiety is clearly misdirected. Twice, now, with that question.

The question should read "What type of MAN has an emotional affair? I'm genuinely curious to know. Do you have low self-esteem? Are you lonely? Do you need the attention? No matter how much you complains about your wife, do you realize or care that you are breaking up your family?"

Seems to me OP is typical of the person who wants to paint other women as sirens which her dear sweet DH couldn't resist -- he was just TOO defenseless.

Your DH is the one who made a vow to you -- HE is the one you need to be thinking about.

THIS X 1,000,000!

No woman, no matter how sleazy or conniving, can make a man break his vows, commitment and respect to his wife and family. Only the husband (or wife, cuz married women cheat too!) is accountable to the betrayed spouse.

It is denial to focus on the other woman/man. You need to see your DH for who he is, what he's done, and evaluate where you are with your relationship.

Unless you're asking about the other woman because you're thinking of ditching DH and running off with her yourself, she's essentially irrelevant for what you need to decide now. Hold your husband accountable and take it from there.

+1

I don't think anyone disputes that the husband is 100 percent accountable to the betrayed wife, and there is some denial in focusing on the other woman.
It's not off-base to wonder -- in an anonymous forum of all kinds of men and women -- about why certain women set their targets on attached men.

[Anonymous]

I was young (23-24), involved in a relationship with someone to whom I was not overly sexually attracted. He was 8 years older, a work colleague whose talent I admired, and he clearly didn't have a perfect marriage. I was genuinely captivated by him, felt like we were in our own happy bubble when we were together, and I didn't really think or care about his wife. (There were no kids involved.) He seemed to feel strongly about me as well, but who knows -- maybe it was just an escape for him, a flattering diversion.

[Anonymous]

what type of woman? A fun one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what type of woman? A fun one!

until he stops taking your calls, then she is a crazy one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The cheating husband is responsible for his actions. But, so too, is the woman with whom he is cheating. If I feed booze to an alcoholic for my own fun & profit, then I have some culpability. If the alcoholic then goes out, drives drunk, and kills someone; he should go to jail. But I have some culpability as well.

If a kid's home is wrecked by a cheating father; the blame is primarily on the father. But the other woman is not blameless in that situation. It was a foreseeable result that her actions would harm the child.

Oh, and this is an aside, but on various forums I've seen people talking about having sex with their "emotional affair." At that point, it's just an affair.

From your perspective, maybe. But realize the cheating spouse is feeding the other woman or other man a distortion of his/her married life.

In my case, the man portrayed his wife as abusive. I truly felt sorry for him and his children. Given the perspective he was painting, I thought the children would be better off without her.