What worked for your picky, picky, picky eater?!?
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Anonymous
| Keep putting the meal in the fridge and bring it out at mealtimes. The child will eat wnen it gets hungry enough. |
Anonymous
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http://thefeedingdoctor.com/
If you want to look at the situation as part of your relationship with him and see yourself as someone trying to help him learn what works for him. Not helpful if you just want him to eat what you say; if that's your goal, skip it. |
Anonymous
Great advice, so basic I want to slap myself on the forehead. Simple enough to stick to it though. I watched all her videos on Youtube in 20 mins, and got some really good ideas. Thanks for the link! Loved this line: "Parents decide what, when and where to feed the family. Kids decide if and how much they eat." And remember they get another chance at a mean in 3-4 hours. And if they order soda with dinner out, that counts as their dessert. BRILLIANT! |
Anonymous
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OP, you asked if this is a control thing. I would say that it is. That doesn't mean that I think he's being a brat or acting out on purpose, but some kids feel safer when they can predict what's going to happen, which can spill over into food. You mention that you're co-parenting, and I think that can be a source of anxiety for kids who like routine. Maybe think about how to make sure he knows in advance where he's going to be each night, maybe a written schedule or teaching him how to use a calendar.
I do think you can build on his need to predict as far as food too. Again, I'm the one who suggested having one thing on the table that you know he'll eat and then changing that gradually (e.g. bread instead of toast was a great example!). I'd also think about putting together a menu so he knows what's coming up is great, having him help put it together can be even greater. To be clear, I don't mean he gets to decide on chicken drumsticks 7 nights a week, but having you say "I bought enough chicken for 2 nights this week, which days should I serve them?" or "We can have mashed potatoes one night, would you rather have them with the pot roast on Tuesday, or with the fish on Thursday?". You can also help him begin to anticipate challenges. "Hmmm, we put the tacos and fruit salad on Saturday, but you've got soccer and swimming lessons that day. I know you'll be starving at dinner. I think that you fill up more on the chicken nights. Could we switch Saturday and Sunday?" You could also pick one kind of new thing each week (e.g. let's take the fruit you like, and make a smoothie), plan to serve it on a certain day, and then finish that meal by serving a dessert of his choice. All of this helps him think about the why's of food, puts you in the ally position, and lets him anticipate so he can start thinking in advance. I don't agree with starving a kid until they eat, but if you have no control over food at the other parent's, I really really think that won't work. He'll simply wait you out and eat there. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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At age 8, you can go two routes that would make your life easier.
1. You make one meal, you simply state that is what is for dinner. And don't allow any variation. Personally I make sure to have one thing on the table that I know my son will eat. But I also tend to do #2. 2. You do the above, BUT, if your child chooses not to eat it, they can get themselves something. I use this a little with my son when I try more adventurous food AFTER he tries it (he does have to take one bite). Since he is only 6, he can go get a yogurt, or ask for me to reach the cereal. But I'm thinking an 8 year old could make his own toast, and spread the peanut butter. I will say, for awhile my son got such a kick out of this that he purposefully wouldn't eat dinner. So this can backfire. But that ended quickly. But my son isn't super picky. This was to stop me from purposefully planning meals I knew he would like. This way I introuce more foods to him. The point of both is to just end the arguigng and the struggle AND cause no more work for you. |
Anonymous
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OP, I have two great eaters so I hesitate to try to give advice. But at 8, can't he be cooking his own food? My rule is you eat what I've made or YOU make (and clean up from making) a PB&J sandwich. They do this once every 3 or so months, they hate dealing with the cleanup. If he likes his food just so, let him prep it! Not as a punishment, but a learning experience and part of the boundaries you set up. No idea if it'll work, but worth a thought?
We also enforce a "no discussing food" policy at the table. I don't care if they eat, how much they eat, if they clear their plates, if they like it, if they don't...well, they're allowed to compliment the chef.  But pretty much any mention of the meal will result in me or DH saying, nicely, "We don't care, now let's talk about something interesting!" and changing the subject.
Good luck OP. |
Anonymous
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I had a toddler who wouldn't eat at all. OK, only garlic, but you can't live on garlic.
We didn't make a big deal, but went the one bite route with everything on the table. I also reinforce daily that I cook to nourish and make us strong so it doesn't really matter if you like it. He still doesn't like food, but he eats it and is proud of the varied diet. |
Anonymous
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OP, I am 41 and may be your worst nightmare: I am still an insufferably picky eater. I went through phases as a kid when all I would eat were flattened hamburger rolls. I'm better than that now, much better, but still very picky. Here are a few thoughts about what I know now and what helps me.
First, the "he's picky" label --STOP using it now. It will stick. It will BE his self concept. Just stop it. My college roommate got me to try more new foods than anyone in my life before or since. You know what she said once about me that rocked my world? She said, "Mary's one of the bravest people I know. She just hasn't hit her adventurous stage yet when it comes to food." She was so right! I'll parachute out of a plane today, but I have absolutely no intention of ever eating hummus. Seriously, I'd choose skydiving, bungee jumping, and being airlifted into a back alley in a foreign country over hummus. But by just saying I hadn't reached my food adventurous stage YET, she created the possibility in my brain that one day I will be more food adventurous. And I am! Comparatively at least. Your instinct that it is about control and anxiety may be spot on; for me, much more about anxiety. (I grew up with lots of chaos, alcoholic patents, etc. Familiar foods were comfort. Safety. They still are. I'm insanely brand loyal. I've never had, and never intend to have, tuna that is not Bumble Bee. I don't trust other brands to taste the same, and what I want is sameness. Predictability. Safety.) I disagree vehemently that hunger is the solution. My aunt believed that and refused to feed me anything familiar when I stayed with her one summer. I refused to eat for three days...not out of stubbornness, but fear. Finally, famished, I forced myself to eat the spinach salad and fondue she offered, out of desperation. A few bites in and I ran to throw up. She still wouldn't let me have anything but water for another day, until I passed out and hit my head. I was a GOOD kid, not a disobedient one. I didn't deserve to be starved, and I never felt so unloved and abandoned as I did when I was starved as punishment. What HELPS is familiarity and a sense of safety. I will NOT try something new when I am scared and hungry. But if I feel safe and full, I might. Eating at a new place or a new person's home us HUGELY anxiety producing. If I can see one familiar item on the table...like, rolls, or carrots, or corn, I am immediately relieved and more likely to take a bite of something less safe. My college roommate also helped me make connections between safe foods and new ones. I live potatoes, for instance. After 4 years she got me to try kidney beans by explaining that they were basically just tiny baked potatoes with jackets on. She cut one and showed me the white fluffy potatoey stuff inside. Now they're one of my favorite protein sources. If you think that anxiety and safety are issues for your son re food, please don't let him go hungry as others have suggested. Give him one safe option at every meal. One thing on the table that he will willingly choose. That will bring down his anxiety and increase your chances of building on that success and getting him to add one new thing. Tell your family and others that he's just not food adventurous YET. And love him. It's not a character flaw or a failing on either of your parts if he's got limited food preferences. He doesn't want to disappoint you. Please help him feel safe and ok as he's eating. |
Anonymous
PP, I think you are brave as hell. And I want to point out that you AREN'T a picky eater, you are a victim of a chaotic childhood and a life filled with anxiety. Food is how you coped, it could just have easily been cutting or starving yourself or picking at scabs or pulling out your hair. I believe that OP is likely a stable parent whose son is picky, as opposed to anxiety-filled. But you make a lot of good points nevertheless. Great points. I hope you show your college roommate this post. I love the baked potato / bean thing! You are wonderful. |
Anonymous
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I have to chime in here, as I've been dealing with this for some time with my child. After seeing many different specialists/nutritionists/doctors/behavior psychologists, and even looking at the feeding clinic at Kennedy Krieger, we decided that we needed to not make this a big deal. Yes, it is an anxiety related issue. Our child has some OCD like tendencies and food is the main area where she is very particular. It's all about predictatability, comfort, etc. We are normal parents, no home stresses, and have other children who are perfectly comfortable eating a myriad of food. One thing that was told to me 2 years ago was to stop calling her a picky eater. I should refer to it as an eating disorder. That was really hard for me to embrace, but I realized it goes well beyond being "picky". People don't understand why it has to be a certain brand and flavor of yogurt. It doesn't sound rational, it isn't rational, but it is her reality. The best thing we have ever done is to not make it an issue. There is always something for her to eat. If we are going somewhere and she is not sure of what might be available for her, she will eat in advance. We have learned to work with it, to gently encourage her to try new things when she feels adventurous. And most importantly to not make it a big deal when she doesn't. Nutritionists feel like her diet is just fine (she eats flaky fish, yogurt, rice, beans, fruit, pasta.) To this day she has never tried pizza, burgers, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, grilled cheese - it made it very challenging for birthday parties, sleepovers, etc.
My child isn't being stubborn because she wants what she wants, she has fear and an anxiety and will go without eating vs. eating something that she can't tolerate. (similar to PP). And all of her preferred foods are soft, smooth textures. OP, you should meet with doctors, nutritionists, or behavioral psychologists to determine what is behind the food issues. How you should proceed should be based on what that root issue is. |
Anonymous
I'm one of posters that brought up anxiety (not the PP here), and I'm not saying that the OP is some crazy parent or that their child has overwhelming issues. But kids come pretty temperamentally wired, and some kids are the type to find security in sameness and routine. Change makes them anxious, even if their life has been calm and loving, and they haven't experienced bad change. It's personality, and the world needs all types. For a kid who is naturally wired to find sameness more comfortable than change, the world can be a little challenging. Because school is full of changes, and family life is full of changes. So, they latch onto one area in which they can exert control, where they can make everything exactly the same, which is food. None of this is conscious. No one is thinking "I couldn't control that fire drill yesterday so I'm going to insist on potatoes for dinner" or "I can't remember if I'm sleeping at mom's or dad's tonight, but I can make sure they serve peanut butter toast". But the potatoes and the peanut butter toast are comforting so they seek them out, the same way another child might seek out the same lovey every night. I'm sure the OP is a great parent. Even children of great parents can have worries. |
Anonymous
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We have had a picky eater since he started solids. On top of that he was under weight. Our doctors told us to feed him what he would eat because the key was to get him to gain weight, and to worry about variety and balance as he got older. As other posters have mentioned we've modified things over the years. Now I always make sure there is something I know he will eat. He has also become more aware about nutrition so we work on trying to make sure we have a protein, fruit, vegetable and a grain. Its not every meal but over the course of a day, a week etc. We work together on what they will be. Fruit has never been an issues so we can select anything from that category and he'll eat it. Protein has been more complicated - he will eat steak and chicken nothing fancy- he likes it plain and simple. He goes thru stages on what his grain will be - sometimes bread, sometimes rice etc. I have also really limited snacks. He can easily fill up on a snack and not be hungry for the rest of the day. So now if he hungry between meals he can have a fruit and that's it.
He also is picky about textures and appearances of food. Nothing but annoying for me - chicken cooked the same way but "looks" different. The only thing I've been able to do is simply let it pass as "you must not be hungry" and don't go any further on foods except what is at the table. I have noticed that when he is going thru his growth spurts he's much more hungry AND more willing to try new foods. So I use this to my advantage - and try to broaden his food choices. We still go out to eat. If I can find a place that has grilled chicken we are normally fine. He has to learn to eat at places besides home, even if its not much food. Its frustrating and sloooow progress but it is better than when he was 3 or 4 so eventually we'll get there. |
Anonymous
Laughably off base. This works fine for a normal kid, but not a picky eater. Congrats on winning the lottery. |
Anonymous
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OP, I have two kids who will eat anything and two who are picky. For one of the picky ones, the food issues are very clearly both sensory/texture in nature and anxiety-related. His list of accepted foods is pretty respectable but he is very rigid about it--has typically hated to try anything new, won't touch any sauces, won't let foods touch etc. He has really serious anxiety (generalized anxiety) and I think, as others have said, that controlling his environment is a way to feel less powerless. What I have noticed this year--as he has had made huge strides emotionally and his anxiety is lowered--is that for the first time since he was toddler he has tried new foods! This week he ate zucchini, last week kale, the week before gravy! He volunteered for all! I absolutely can't believe it.
If you think there is an emotional-anxiety component, I strongly recommend you do not punish him for food refusal. Try to keep everything very positive. I am not saying that he should get dessert regardless--do whatever your family rule is but don't make a huge issue of it. Even though it goes against my parenting philosophy in so many ways, I have instituted little rewards for trying new things (anything new, not just food) and it has really helped my son. He needs extra support/incentive because anything new is overwhelming. Often once he is over the initial hurdle, he is very proud of himself and willing to try it again. My other son is totally different, sweetest, most complian t kid you'll ever meet. He just won't eat dinner unless it is meatballs, chicken nuggets or pizza--which I almost never serve. I figure he gets enough calories throughout the day and don't stress about it. He has eaten dinner once or twice a week for about two years now. So to those who think a couple of days of not catering to a kid solves everything... you haven't met my kids! |