Helping kids cope with narcissistic parent

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad I stumbled on this forum. My ex husband has so many narcissitic behaviors. I tried to make our marriage work but when only one person ever sees a problem its impossible. We have since divorced and I'm seeing now how he is treating my seven year old son. Every time he comes to my house he has another thing to say about how things are going at his dad's house. He has come to me telling me that dad doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. My son called him out on his behavior and his reaction was to tell my son that he wasn't doing anything wrong. I agreed with my son on his observation since that has also been my experience with my ex. My ex then started to text me accusing me of poisoning his son again him. I'm struggling with what to do constantly. I try and comfort my son and validate his feelings. I feel as though I'm pumping him up only to have his father knock him down the next time he sees him. I've scheduled my son with a counselor to help him try and find ways to cope. The appointment is in three weeks and I'm so worried about what is going to happen between than and now.

[Anonymous]

One possibility regarding getting your child into therapy if you are still in the process of negotiating your parenting plan is putting some areas of parenting responsibilities into a "parallel parenting" category. That means one parent is responsible for particular aspects of a child's life and the other parent is responsible for others. It is a rather "trendy" way to get around parents who have shared custody who are in conflict much of the time. I'm not a fan of it overall--and I think the trend is heading back toward realization that the answer to high conflict in shared parenting is a change to one parent being primary parent. The latest evidence supports that option strongly. Now back to parallel parenting. If you have no chance of getting out of a shared parenting arrangement then a parallel parenting approach, done carefully and discretely, can make a big difference. Remember, the narcissist wants the glory but not the hard work. So you take all health-related areas and suggest to the narcissist parent that they take extra-curricular activities...or something relatively innocuous. I know, I know, the visions of the narcissist parent berating your child for missing that easy shot in basketball immediately flashes before your eyes and as I said, parallel parenting is not my favourite option, BUT, hey, being responsible for "health" allows you to arrange for therapy/counselling for your child without the need to consult the narcissist at all!
Hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

This subject came up at work recently and this book was recommended:
http://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611#

it's geared toward adults, but you could read it and get some good ideas.

[Anonymous]

Wow that you all so much for all this good stuff. Much of it I'm glad sounded like what my gut has been telling me to do but now I feel super reassured my intentions are going in the right places. My boys are involved in boy scouts and it is a SUPER thing for them to be a part of especially when they have a dad that is narcissist so I will continue to make sure they stay dedicated to that purpose. My ex doesn't even come to events from these activities... my oldest son is 12 and now is showing anger towards his dad for not communicating with him about why he just moved his girlfriend in without any heads up and my son hadn't seen her in over a year. I'm proud he knows he deserves more communication. But now is the time to also communicate to him that the things one would "expect" out of his dad just won't happen because his dad is doing the best he can with how he grew up. These are lessons I never thought I would have to teach my son but it is reality and I have to just go with what is.

[Anonymous]

I don't have advice but I saw this on the nyt recently:

http://mobile.nytimes.com/blogs/well/2015/08/24/divorcing-a-narcissist/?module=BlogPost-Title&version=Blog%20Main&contentCollection=Well%20Book%20Club&action=Click&pgtype=Blogs®ion=Body&referer=

[Anonymous]

This is a refreshingly helpful thread. I'm not dealing with these issues but it's nice to see such positive support and info sharing in DCUM. Keep it up guys