Are Independent Schools for Black Children

[Anonymous]

We are an AA family in a so-called big three private school. We are fortunate that we have friends and family who do not look upon a good education as 'selling out' or 'betrayal' and that a good education is as much a right for black children as it is for white children. This is the rule, not the exception.

It should not be generalized based on 09:00's experiences with their friends and family that all AA families share the same experiences. When I hear people say 'acting white' or 'speaking white', does this mean blacks are inarticulate? Does 'acting white' mean we go to work just like whites do and buy houses and cars as whites do? Does acting white mean we go to college and graduate? Would your friends and family categorize POTUS as acting white?

This is the 21st century and many of those old adages (acting and talking white) feed into stereotyping and fuel fire for false superiority.

However, 09:00, we agree that education is the key for our childrens' future. Best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am not sure what you mean by "elite," but both my husband and I are college educated and are working. We are not wealthy by any measure however. We have a nice but small house in Mont. County. We drive two old cars. We get some financial aid but also spend most of the rest of our income on tuition.

My experience has been that the independent schools work hard to recruit diverse classes. They bend over backwards to make sure that a minority child, once admitted, is given every opportunity to succeed. We have never felt that we were treated unfairly. On the contrary sometimes we think that our school is to sensitive to the race issue. For example, my son had some words with a student. It happens all the time. We feel that because the other boy was white, the school elevated it much more than it needed to be. This tiny incident turned into a major thing including sending the other boy before a discplinary board. In other words, the school wanted to make sure that they were protecting my son and wanted to make it clear to us that they had zero tolerance to such things. The thing about it was that apart from the other boys race the words between the 2 had nothing to do with race. yes the other boy started the argument and was being mean. we love the school and understand why they reacted this way but it was an overreaction. if both boys were white it simply would not have been such a big dieal. so to answer your question yes we feel that we have been treated fairly although if there is such a thing, maybe too fairly.

The only other thing I have to add is that some of our friends and family think that being in a basically all-white setting in a private school is somehow "selling out" or betraying our race, whatever the hell that means. It is true that my son has become very comfortable with some very rich kids, who are white or asian or spanish. to be honest i don't even notice such things anymore. It is hard to hide my disgust when somoene close to me says that my son is "acting white" or speaking like a white person. It angers me when my nephews teases my son about the fact that he has as many asian and white friends on Facebook as AA friends. Because of this private school experience he feels comfortable in what is basically another world, at least if your are talking to someone like my uncle. I'm not selling out. I am investing. I'm making sure that my son can do anything and go anywhere in life.

If you are looking at an independent school for your AA child I wish you the best of luck. Education is the key for your sons future and the future of our country and the DC private schools do a great job of providing opportunities for all to get a good education, graduate, go to college and succeed in life.

This was your major opportunity for a teachable moment. I hope you spoke at length to the school the way you have done here about your feelings that it was overblown and race was NOT the issue. If you didn't spend substantial time addressing this issue which might assuage this overreaction in the future, then you let slide an opportunity to educate emotionally, mentally, and racially the staffers so if the situation arises again, they won't look at it so much in black and white (pun intended).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How's your DC treated at his/her independent school? Do you think fairly? Is it easier for boys than girls? Which schools do a good job educating children of color? I've heard varying stories some great and some horrible? Do elite blacks fair better than FA blacks? I know this is like talking about the elephant in the room but I really would like to hear your well thought out views. Please if you can't respond responsibly don't add your input! Just want to hear other parents perspectives of all races.

I am white, but DC attends one private, went to camp at another and I work at a third and here are my impressions:


If a black child is well behaved and does well academically, they will be accepted and gain praise( girl or boy) . I have seen this play out over and over again.

Poor academic performance or bad behavior will be met with compassion at first, and then less and less patience. This is true for white children as well. The difference is : if you get negative feedback at any point, will you "trip on it" and suspect it is because your child is black, when actually it would just be the behavior? The question is : how healthy are your relationships with white people because, if the chips are ever down and you need to trust administrators or teachers, they won't ALWAYS be white, but most of the time they will.

If THAT is a problem for you at your gut level, then look for a school that has more AA Admin ( GDS comes to mind) and where most of the AA families tend to be wealthy, and not the ones on FA so that the road has already been paved for you.

Good luck.


I agree with the PP who said a well-behaved child who is performing academically well will be fine. I would up that and add: extremely well-behaved and an academic super star, particularly if it's a boy on substantial FA.

OP, you asked and you received. These statements are indicative of the culture in private and public schools where there is what I call the 'walking on egg shells' environment for smart black kids so whites will accept them. Note the statements 'if the black child is well-behaved' and 'the extremely well-behaved child who is performing academically will be fine'. Why are all black kids held to a different standard when white kids should WHOLLY be held to the same standard?

And please don't give me crap that I have misunderstood these statements especially the one about being extremely well behaved, etc'. I have not! Maybe if white kids were held to the SAME exceptional standards, there would be no setting schools on fire, boys creating internet sex pages, all-girl schools and all-boy school dances grinding, SAT cheating scandals, drug sales at schools, mean girls/boys who bully, etc. These were all acts done by white kids at private schools and reported in newspapers, radio, etc, and my list is far from complete. Not that black kids don't misbehave but quit acting as white kids are the exception to all misbehaving rules.

Yes, you can say I'm angry. I'm angry because of the double-standard and egg shell walking and defining by posters how black kids should be when most of their kids are NOT extremely well-behaved and academic superior. Before you define how blacks should behave, look to your own house first.

PP, I posted the second reply you quoted. I'm not white. I totally don't believe the double standard is all right. It's a horrible reality; nevertheless, a survival mechanism for some black boys. I've seen wonderful black boys get in over their head due to insignificant foolish that escalates into them being labelled as a problem and/or trouble maker with a learning disability. Small boyish pranks, before you know it, seem to turn into serious offenses according to admin. In addition to being a troublemaker, these problem boys struggle academically more so than their peers.

[Anonymous]

Is sidwell not for blac boys??

[Anonymous]

I am of the belief that it is not always the entire school. Often times there are a few teachers that have problem with the AA children. They plant the seed and get other teachers and administration to buy in. My child had a teacher like this and it is a hard battle, but there are organizations out there that have experience handing these issues and will assist you if you need it. If matters escalate to that pont, it really looks bad for that particular school. Most schools are AIM certified and are supposed to train their staff on issues concerning diversity. Of course this does not always mean anything to some staff. Schools that promote their diversity as a selling point for the school need to retain the students they accept. If a school has a problem doing that, it looks bad for the school. In my experience, AA parents do talk, not just at their at own school, but to other AA parents at other schools. After enough buzz it will get increasingly harder for some schools to attract the diversity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How's your DC treated at his/her independent school? Do you think fairly? Is it easier for boys than girls? Which schools do a good job educating children of color? I've heard varying stories some great and some horrible? Do elite blacks fair better than FA blacks? I know this is like talking about the elephant in the room but I really would like to hear your well thought out views. Please if you can't respond responsibly don't add your input! Just want to hear other parents perspectives of all races.

I am white, but DC attends one private, went to camp at another and I work at a third and here are my impressions:


If a black child is well behaved and does well academically, they will be accepted and gain praise( girl or boy) . I have seen this play out over and over again.

Poor academic performance or bad behavior will be met with compassion at first, and then less and less patience. This is true for white children as well. The difference is : if you get negative feedback at any point, will you "trip on it" and suspect it is because your child is black, when actually it would just be the behavior? The question is : how healthy are your relationships with white people because, if the chips are ever down and you need to trust administrators or teachers, they won't ALWAYS be white, but most of the time they will.

If THAT is a problem for you at your gut level, then look for a school that has more AA Admin ( GDS comes to mind) and where most of the AA families tend to be wealthy, and not the ones on FA so that the road has already been paved for you.

Good luck.


I agree with the PP who said a well-behaved child who is performing academically well will be fine. I would up that and add: extremely well-behaved and an academic super star, particularly if it's a boy on substantial FA.

OP, you asked and you received. These statements are indicative of the culture in private and public schools where there is what I call the 'walking on egg shells' environment for smart black kids so whites will accept them. Note the statements 'if the black child is well-behaved' and 'the extremely well-behaved child who is performing academically will be fine'. Why are all black kids held to a different standard when white kids should WHOLLY be held to the same standard?

And please don't give me crap that I have misunderstood these statements especially the one about being extremely well behaved, etc'. I have not! Maybe if white kids were held to the SAME exceptional standards, there would be no setting schools on fire, boys creating internet sex pages, all-girl schools and all-boy school dances grinding, SAT cheating scandals, drug sales at schools, mean girls/boys who bully, etc. These were all acts done by white kids at private schools and reported in newspapers, radio, etc, and my list is far from complete. Not that black kids don't misbehave but quit acting as white kids are the exception to all misbehaving rules.

Yes, you can say I'm angry. I'm angry because of the double-standard and egg shell walking and defining by posters how black kids should be when most of their kids are NOT extremely well-behaved and academic superior. Before you define how blacks should behave, look to your own house first.

PP, I posted the second reply you quoted. I'm not white. I totally don't believe the double standard is all right. It's a horrible reality; nevertheless, a survival mechanism for some black boys. I've seen wonderful black boys get in over their head due to insignificant foolish that escalates into them being labelled as a problem and/or trouble maker with a learning disability. Small boyish pranks, before you know it, seem to turn into serious offenses according to admin. In addition to being a troublemaker, these problem boys struggle academically more so than their peers.

08:26 here. Sadly, why is a survival mechanism even necessary if the SAME behavior criteria is the rule for ALL kids?

I, too, am an AA parent. Additionally, many times the 'small boyish pranks' that were done by non-black boys resulted in either a slap on the hand or if more severe, expulsion to another high-end private. If the problem boys, black or white, are struggling academically or behavior issues, then they are misplaced and should be in schools that are a better fit. This is for ANY kid of any color. I guarantee if you keep the field level, you eliminate many problems. Perceived anticipated problems are an internal mind/soul issue and are deeply ingratiated and many times are anticipated by administration, parents even if there is no evidence of a problem. The fact that certain children have to walk on egg shells to dissuade preconceived notions is deplorable in my opinion.

But, again, I understand where you are coming from. I just hate to see topics about black children when I guarantee there would never be a forum addressed specifically to behavior of white children. Heartbreaking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:... Schools that promote their diversity as a selling point for the school need to retain the students they accept. If a school has a problem doing that, it looks bad for the school. ...

I'm not sure I agree with the quoted portion. I suppose it depends on what you mean.

Option 1. If you're saying schools that cannot maintain a diverse student body will struggle (because word will get around that the school is not effective at educating diverse students), then it's pretty much a self correcting problem. As admitted non-white students leave voluntarily, then later classes will be less diverse. Also, if the non-white population is fleeing, then I suspect the school will have other problems that cause other non-diverse parents too flee too.

Option 2. If what you're really talking about is affirmative action in admitting a diverse student, and then later counseling out that student because of problems at school, then I respectfully disagree with your approach as a policy matter. If a student -- whatever the race or background -- cannot meet the school's standards, then the student ought to be counseled out. IMHO, affirmative action is about giving a real opportunity, not putting a thumb on the scale. YMMV, of course.

FWIW, looking at my own children's school, where the student population is pretty diverse, I see no correlation between race and students' performance, or between race and departures. I see strong and diligent students who are AA, white, and all other backgrounds. I also see struggling students of all skin tones and backgrounds. Not many families leave the school, but those that do also come from all sorts of races, backgrounds, SES levels, etc.

Of course, what I'm describing applies only to my experiences at my own children's school, so I'm open to the possibility that other schools might have a correlation between school success and race for various reasons.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the focus of this discussion is a bit too narrow. I would ask the OP whether the intent of the question is whether independent schools work as well as some alternative for his/her children -- public schools, catholic schools, etc. -- the absolute question seems almost philosophical (not that "fairness" isn't important) but the relative question is more practical. In BCC, for instance, I have heard and read that there is much more racial self-segregation (lunch room, for instance) than I have ever seen in the two indepedent schools my kids have attended.

[Anonymous]

I would argue yes for sure!! We are at a Big and a few of my child's best friends are AA. We nor my child thought twice about it. What is more important than color of skin in my opinion is whether your child and family fit into the particular school(s) to which you are applying. Some privates are a better fit for AA or minorities in general. I would think about Sidwell, GDS, Beauvoir, Upper Cathedral Schools, as some schools are just more diverse across the board. Not judging either way just sating that is how it is. My child's AA friends just fit in like any other children.

[Anonymous]

I went to private school and I saw this. The white troublemakers were dealt with in a mild fashion but when black boys did the same thing the reaction was over the top.

About 7 years ago, a boy got suspended for cheating on an open book test. I know this because our families are friends and my siblings still went there. Anyway he didn't know that he couldn't use notes from the internet on the test. So it just got blown way out of proportion and he went home and killed himself the next day. That was so uncalled for and unecessary. But he felt like he brought shame to his family...according to the note he left. To this day I wonder what they said to him in that office.

Anyway if I had a black daughter I wouldn't worry too much. But for a son, I would tell him to keep quiet, stay low key, and he would be fine. And then I would ask myself if that was the type of education I wanted him to get.

[Anonymous]

AA parents here. My DS went to Beauvoir. I wouldn't say any of this until he was gone from there. A couple parents made my DS and myself very uncomfortable. Society types who were always looking to call-out DS and keep their DS away from him and the other AA boys. I never let on to DS that this was an issue, but I was always on pins-and-needles for him there.

[Anonymous]

Lay low and keep quiet...really.

[Anonymous]

Hi All,

I am the OP and I really appreciate your insight and thoughtful responses. It's funny much of what has been said here is how I feel. I often times feel that we have to keep quiet and lay low because the school may find reasons to counsel DC out or they may reduce our FA money to ensure DC won't return. DC is doing extremely well in school (top in class according to teacher) and to be honest no one has ever shared that DC is a behavior problem. However, there have been a few issues that made me think twice about the environment and question the handling of certain situations. It's almost like a battle that can't be won. Where are AA parents educating their AA children specifically boys because to be frank public school isn't much of an option! BTW DC attends a so-called BIG 3 and has been for the last 8 years. These issues are not new just trying to figure out how to get a handle on it before it effects our entire family!

Again thank-you to all that have replied!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi All,

I am the OP and I really appreciate your insight and thoughtful responses. It's funny much of what has been said here is how I feel. I often times feel that we have to keep quiet and lay low because the school may find reasons to counsel DC out or they may reduce our FA money to ensure DC won't return. DC is doing extremely well in school (top in class according to teacher) and to be honest no one has ever shared that DC is a behavior problem. However, there have been a few issues that made me think twice about the environment and question the handling of certain situations. It's almost like a battle that can't be won. Where are AA parents educating their AA children specifically boys because to be frank public school isn't much of an option! BTW DC attends a so-called BIG 3 and has been for the last 8 years. These issues are not new just trying to figure out how to get a handle on it before it effects our entire family!

Again thank-you to all that have replied!

Wow! That is exactly how I feel most of the time. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing more harm than good for my child because I think I am teaching them to "let things slide." I do not have a public option and it is very stressful when you see things that need to be addressed and have to worry about how the school will react to you and your child. I would love to know which schools do not make FA parents feel this way. Who knows, it could be all in my head...somehow I do not think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AA parents here. My DS went to Beauvoir. I wouldn't say any of this until he was gone from there. A couple parents made my DS and myself very uncomfortable. Society types who were always looking to call-out DS and keep their DS away from him and the other AA boys. I never let on to DS that this was an issue, but I was always on pins-and-needles for him there.

You are extremely selfish if, knowing your DS was so uncomfortable, you let him stay on over there. You should have done what was in his interest, taking him to a more acceptable school (and many have the great education that B is supposed to), rather than keep him there all so that you could tout he went there! Unbelievable