Getting ready to say "fuck it"

[Anonymous]

Op also keep in mind that her nastiness may also be a coping mechanism so she'll be able to leave you in the fall. I hear similar stories from other moms/daughters. I have one son in college--we never went through this rough phase. I'll see how it goes next year with 17 yo DD. So far so good. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I remember being so busy trying to do well in classes like AP calculus and writing essays that I probably forgot a lot of those other little things as well. It would have helped for me to have a checklist at home and in my backpack so I could have remembered stuff like that. Didn't help that my parents demanded I apply to an Ivy League school that didn't even have my major with 5 essays to write. I think I did ask them to do some little stuff for me since I was so busy writing those essays for a school I didn't even like.

[Anonymous]

She sounds scared to death and very discouraged. It is getting easier to get in now -- the bulk of Boomers kids are gone. Just hang in there. The news about how hard it is is old news. One of those tough parenting times

[Anonymous]

How big is her high school OP? I would try to get a meeting with the college counsellor or trusted teacher writing one of the recs and ask for help. It can't hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry about the cursing. I thought about typing something less abrasive, but I'm so pissed right now. I'm SICK of the attitude that's coming from my daughter. She's such a fucking drag during the college application bullshit. She seems to think she can do this without me and my input which is fine, but who the hell does she expect to pay for all of the applications?

She hounds me to pay application fees and to have SAT scores sent, but when I ask her if she's completed her essays, had her letters of recommendations and transcripts sent she gets pissy and/or cagey with her responses. She doesn't seem to get that the deadlines are HERE and unless she bucks up, she's not going to go anywhere next Fall.

I don't mind that she wants to do this without my help, but she's so lazy about fulfilling her end of things, so she's not actually accomplishing much. Hasn't done any scholarship essays...has done the bare minimum.

I'm so tempted to just say "fuck it" and if she misses the deadlines and doesn't get in to her schools of choice to just let it all fall on her head.

This is just sad. I can't imagine any parent I know speaking like this about their child. The obscenities are bad enough, but the lack of trust and confidence in your own progeny is shocking. She is gonna be out of the house before you know it, so you need to use these last few months to rebuild this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry about the cursing. I thought about typing something less abrasive, but I'm so pissed right now. I'm SICK of the attitude that's coming from my daughter. She's such a fucking drag during the college application bullshit. She seems to think she can do this without me and my input which is fine, but who the hell does she expect to pay for all of the applications?

She hounds me to pay application fees and to have SAT scores sent, but when I ask her if she's completed her essays, had her letters of recommendations and transcripts sent she gets pissy and/or cagey with her responses. She doesn't seem to get that the deadlines are HERE and unless she bucks up, she's not going to go anywhere next Fall.

I don't mind that she wants to do this without my help, but she's so lazy about fulfilling her end of things, so she's not actually accomplishing much. Hasn't done any scholarship essays...has done the bare minimum.

I'm so tempted to just say "fuck it" and if she misses the deadlines and doesn't get in to her schools of choice to just let it all fall on her head.

This is just sad. I can't imagine any parent I know speaking like this about their child. The obscenities are bad enough, but the lack of trust and confidence in your own progeny is shocking. She is gonna be out of the house before you know it, so you need to use these last few months to rebuild this relationship.

Aw c'mon. I think the OP's venting is understandable. Haven't we all been there as parents? If the Op really didn't care or have any trust she'd be a helicopter mom. What I see is a parent who is trying to walk that ever elusive line between smothering and ignoring -- it's not easy.

OP, my oldest was a lot like your DD. Sullen with us at times, fiercely independent but also irresponsible at times. He wouldn't even let us look at his applications until I basically pleaded with him. Anyway, we got through it somehow and now he's a happy, responsible sophomore at Duke. And he's much nicer to DH and me now too. I think he's growing up -- who would have believed it? Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Weren't the apps due on the 8th or 9th?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry about the cursing. I thought about typing something less abrasive, but I'm so pissed right now. I'm SICK of the attitude that's coming from my daughter. She's such a fucking drag during the college application bullshit. She seems to think she can do this without me and my input which is fine, but who the hell does she expect to pay for all of the applications?

She hounds me to pay application fees and to have SAT scores sent, but when I ask her if she's completed her essays, had her letters of recommendations and transcripts sent she gets pissy and/or cagey with her responses. She doesn't seem to get that the deadlines are HERE and unless she bucks up, she's not going to go anywhere next Fall.

I don't mind that she wants to do this without my help, but she's so lazy about fulfilling her end of things, so she's not actually accomplishing much. Hasn't done any scholarship essays...has done the bare minimum.

I'm so tempted to just say "fuck it" and if she misses the deadlines and doesn't get in to her schools of choice to just let it all fall on her head.

This is just sad. I can't imagine any parent I know speaking like this about their child. The obscenities are bad enough, but the lack of trust and confidence in your own progeny is shocking. She is gonna be out of the house before you know it, so you need to use these last few months to rebuild this relationship.

OP here. What exactly did I say that makes you sad? That I'm sick of her attitude and that she's a drag about "letting me in" during this process? Not really sure how this means I somehow hate my daughter. Has she frustrated the crap out of me during the process? Absolutely, but unless you've dealt with your very own "Claire Standish", you won't get it. I'm allowed to vent, but I would never tell her these things (well, at least not in this way).

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Just wanted to say thanks to those who sympathized with my vent. I had a talk with my daughter today and it went well. She told me about the applications she'd completed and I got the information regarding the progress with her transcripts and recommendations.

So, she's completed almost everything and I got her to outline what else needed to be done. We agreed to talk again on Friday to check her progress to see what else needed to be done.

So, yeah, glad I got past that rough patch (although I'm sure there will be more). Thanks for talking me off the ledge!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry about the cursing. I thought about typing something less abrasive, but I'm so pissed right now. I'm SICK of the attitude that's coming from my daughter. She's such a fucking drag during the college application bullshit. She seems to think she can do this without me and my input which is fine, but who the hell does she expect to pay for all of the applications?

She hounds me to pay application fees and to have SAT scores sent, but when I ask her if she's completed her essays, had her letters of recommendations and transcripts sent she gets pissy and/or cagey with her responses. She doesn't seem to get that the deadlines are HERE and unless she bucks up, she's not going to go anywhere next Fall.

I don't mind that she wants to do this without my help, but she's so lazy about fulfilling her end of things, so she's not actually accomplishing much. Hasn't done any scholarship essays...has done the bare minimum.

I'm so tempted to just say "fuck it" and if she misses the deadlines and doesn't get in to her schools of choice to just let it all fall on her head.

This is just sad. I can't imagine any parent I know speaking like this about their child. The obscenities are bad enough, but the lack of trust and confidence in your own progeny is shocking. She is gonna be out of the house before you know it, so you need to use these last few months to rebuild this relationship.

Aw c'mon. I think the OP's venting is understandable. Haven't we all been there as parents? If the Op really didn't care or have any trust she'd be a helicopter mom. What I see is a parent who is trying to walk that ever elusive line between smothering and ignoring -- it's not easy.

OP, my oldest was a lot like your DD. Sullen with us at times, fiercely independent but also irresponsible at times. He wouldn't even let us look at his applications until I basically pleaded with him. Anyway, we got through it somehow and now he's a happy, responsible sophomore at Duke. And he's much nicer to DH and me now too. I think he's growing up -- who would have believed it? Hang in there!

Once again, this just makes me thankful that I had all boys and no girls!!!

[Anonymous]

Great to hear, OP! Yes, many of us parents need to vent somewhere, and venting here is better than in front of the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great to hear, OP! Yes, many of us parents need to vent somewhere, and venting here is better than in front of the child.

+1 Glad things are looking up OP. Parenting teens is not for the faint of heart!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too much conversation.

Tell her to come get you when she is ready for you to pay the app fee. Tell her you will scan through the app to make sure every applicable field is filled in but won't edit/read. Tell her she must provide you with verification in writing the transcripts were sent - copy of the request form/email/etc whatever it takes. She doesn't do any of those, she doesn't apply.

She wants to apply late. That's fine, she can pay you in cash for any additional late fee that is incurred for doing so.

No apps done? No problem bc community college will take her. You will pay that app fee after she signs a lease signed to start the day the semester starts where she pays you some amount in rent.

I agree with this. Have her complete everything, show you it's done, then you pay the application fee.

She's lucky your paying the fee. When I was in High School I paid my own way.

I agree. I paid for my own damned application fees with money I earned from an after school job. The only thing my mother did for me was research scholarship opportunities (this was in the mid-90's when you had to send away for books or spend hours in the library).

Based on your posts I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you haven't raised your daughter as a spoiled, entitled brat, but I will say this, Mom - she has to learn how to be responsible on her own. NOW is the time for her to learn this hard lesson. You can't do her work for her in college. You can't confer with her advisor or her professors, decide her major, decide how to balance a social life with studying, decide what internships to pursue, decide whether that guy is worth it or not, decide which jobs to apply for and how to prepare for interviews. If your daughter can't handle this process now, how is she going to handle college with the freedom and responsibility of making daily decisions about her life that impact her future? Poorly, I'd wager. And I say this as someone who worked at universities for 10 years and has seen a lot of kids waste their parents' money b/c they are not prepared to handle the pressure of developing adulthood.

[Anonymous]

I also have worked at universities and certainly agree that kids have to learn how to navigate decisions and responsibility on their own in college. Still, most kids grow into this gradually over time. They typically don't (and I'd argue, shouldn't) be left totally on their own with no guidance from parents. OP's daughter isn't even in college yet. She may well mature a lot between now and next Fall when she's a college freshman, and she'll almost certainly continue to mature throughout college. Having counseled college students, I can assure you that most kids are very different as freshmen than they are as seniors. Growing up is a process. I think as parents are job is to be sensitive to their developmental readiness, encouraging them along the way. Most of these kids will get there with a little patience and support. Not helicoptering, just support.

[Anonymous]

"Once again, this just makes me thankful that I had all boys and no girls!!! "

You may not be so thankful when your DILs hate you.