How do you deal with someone who complains all the time?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this. And hers are definitely first-world problems. There are many days when I would gladly trade my problems for hers. (admittedly, most of mine are first-world problems too.) I do have friends who are actually facing hardship and when their "real" stuff is weighing on me, I do find myself telling the constant complainer to gain some perspective.

I think some people will always be unhappy, no matter how many good things are thrown their way. Not sure there's a cure for that. (other than a face-punch. lol.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - not a five year old. It's a parent of mine...

My MIL does this and so did my grandma. I try to change the topic and/or distract with positive news. I know this doesn't make a big difference because the brain is wired a certain way and you have to see it's a problem to try to change it. Still, I don't tolerate it. I put a limit on it and refuse to continue the discussion. I start off being lighthearted about it, but if the person won't stop I am really firm and will leave the room.

[Anonymous]

Often people just want to know that they're being heard. So try some reflecting back in a way that explicitly identifies their feelings.

For example, try phrases like, "Hmm. You sound disappointed." or "Yeah, you sound frustrated" or "Wow. You sound upset" may go a long way. And you don't need to listen super closely. Just enough to identify the feeling and mirror it back. You can also get away with making it a "you" statement (observing their feelings), rather than endorsing it in a way that suggests you agree if you don't (for example, no need to offer fake sympathy by saying "That sounds awful" if you don't actually feel that way. More authentic to say, "You sound really upset about that.")

Either way, I agree with the previous poster who said DO NOT try to problem solve or make suggestions to a chronic complainer. They will likely just argue with you and point out all the reasons your suggestion is invalid. I call it the, "Yeah, but" syndrome. As in "Yeah, but that won't work because of X". It's immensely frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Turn it around on them and ask them what they could do to improve the problem/situation/complaint. I find that people usually have to stop and think about it.

I find that people like this usually don't think about it, and they find reasons why any suggestions you make to help solve their problem will not work. They live to complain and thrive off it. They are toxic. Limit contact as much as possible. When you do have to talk to them, it's "mmm hmm. mmm hmm" and then you change the subject ASAP.

The advice I've heard is to not offer solutions or try to help them solve it but similar to this pp's suggestion to say "That sounds really hard" and then don't get engaged. Once they realize that they're not going to get attention from you (as in getting you to keep making suggestions that they'll always reject) that the behavior will lessen. Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this. She is never happy and complains about everything all the time. God forbid you're happy, she'll cast her black cloud over you. Thank goodness I only see her once every 2 weeks.

[Anonymous]

I agree with them, and sometimes even overreact to what they're complaining about. They'll usually be like, "Oh, it's not THAT bad," and then move on. If you argue with them or offer suggestions, they only dig in their heels more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with them, and sometimes even overreact to what they're complaining about. They'll usually be like, "Oh, it's not THAT bad," and then move on. If you argue with them or offer suggestions, they only dig in their heels more.

I really like this!

[Anonymous]

How about a compassionate response that acknowledges a fellow human being's unhappiness? I say things like, "I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time of it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about a compassionate response that acknowledges a fellow human being's unhappiness? I say things like, "I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time of it."

This is a great response for the occasional complainer or for valid complaints. like Op i have a family member how complains non stop about everything. You can only commiserate so much. I do a combination of validating...then moving on to asking what they want to do about it.to changing the topic...to leaving/hanging up. Also if they start in on the same complaint I remind them they told me already and ask if there is a new aspect to it? Occasionally I use sarcasm and act like it is a catastrophe. It is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

I talk to my mom daily, and she is often like this. When I cannot handle anymore stress on my day, I tell her "I am very sorry to hear about "X", but I really cannot help and don't have the energy to hear the negative today." I add, "if we cannot switch to a more positive topic, I am going to have to take a pass on our call today." Then, I'll offer to change the topic.