how to handle mil weight issue

[Anonymous]

How old is your baby OP. I think pulling him up by a limb is different if the baby is 6 weeks, 6 months, or 18 months etc..

I think you are just going to have to stay close so that she can play and be with the baby to the extent that she can but that you are there for safety and pick-ups/put downs etc.

I agree putting the baby on a higher surface or near her in a swing/high chair might be a better arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh that sucks. I think you already know that you cannot leave mil with your baby unattended. Period. And mil already knows that she is fat. Like debilitating fat. But, unfortunately, it does need to be communicated to mil that you do not feel comfortable with her caring for (or even handling) baby by herself. I think you are past any sort of "mil, you need to lose weight" conversation.

That is the best.phrase.ever. Debilitating fat. I wonder when regular fat crosses the line into debilitating. When you can't walk a block without getting winded? Or when you need to ride in one of those scooters?

[Anonymous]

Put your child's safety first.
If your husband doesn't think there is an issue, just tell him how you feel and what you want the rules to be.
"I don't feel comfortable letting your mother go up or down the stairs with Johnny nor letting her get up from the couch while holding him. I also don't want her picking him up if she can't support him properly."
Picking him up incorrectly can dislocate his shoulders/elbows and result in an otherwise unnecessary and traumatic trip to the emergency room.
I wouldn't push the "why" behind it - I'm sure no one would be shocked to hear about the obesity - just stress the safety issues.
For goodness' sake, don't let harm come to your child because you were trying to be "polite" to your mother-in-law.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the same situation as you. My MIL is obese AND she apparently is also bipolar (although I have not really seen evidence of this ever). I have to say (and if I am flamed for this it is well-deserved and I know I am being terrible) that I really resent my MIL for this issue. I resent the sadness she is putting my husband in by ruining her own health. I resent that she can't regularly come and visit (she lives abroad) and play with her grandchild, or babysit her once in awhile. I know intellectually that it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS how my MIL chooses to live her life, and I know that it is SO HARD to lose weight, and yet I still resent that she continues to consume gallons of pepsi and junk food everyday and is not willing to even try to get back on track. I resent that we will probably be on the hook and help pay for her inevitable health problems. I resent that she is sixty-something and she and my FIL live like people in their eighties. The sad part is that I really like her, my MIL is SOOO sweet and is such a kind person, and I have all these feelings simmering under the surface.

Ahhh. It was nice to let that out. Back to repressing my emotions and pretending like nothing is wrong.

Totally parenthetical, but a lot of the older antipsychotics prescribed to people with bipolar disorder have serious -- and lasting -- weight gain as a side effect. Like, to the point that people who switched to different medication ten years ago still can't lose the pounds. Apparently they really change your metabolism. I only found this out because I was really concerned about the obesity that seems to run in my family and it turns out it's just a side effect of the crazy that runs in my family.

Of course, this may not apply to your MIL at all. I just saw "obese" and "bipolar" and thought I'd share, because I didn't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the same situation as you. My MIL is obese AND she apparently is also bipolar (although I have not really seen evidence of this ever). I have to say (and if I am flamed for this it is well-deserved and I know I am being terrible) that I really resent my MIL for this issue. I resent the sadness she is putting my husband in by ruining her own health. I resent that she can't regularly come and visit (she lives abroad) and play with her grandchild, or babysit her once in awhile. I know intellectually that it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS how my MIL chooses to live her life, and I know that it is SO HARD to lose weight, and yet I still resent that she continues to consume gallons of pepsi and junk food everyday and is not willing to even try to get back on track. I resent that we will probably be on the hook and help pay for her inevitable health problems. I resent that she is sixty-something and she and my FIL live like people in their eighties. The sad part is that I really like her, my MIL is SOOO sweet and is such a kind person, and I have all these feelings simmering under the surface.

Ahhh. It was nice to let that out. Back to repressing my emotions and pretending like nothing is wrong.

Totally parenthetical, but a lot of the older antipsychotics prescribed to people with bipolar disorder have serious -- and lasting -- weight gain as a side effect. Like, to the point that people who switched to different medication ten years ago still can't lose the pounds. Apparently they really change your metabolism. I only found this out because I was really concerned about the obesity that seems to run in my family and it turns out it's just a side effect of the crazy that runs in my family.

Of course, this may not apply to your MIL at all. I just saw "obese" and "bipolar" and thought I'd share, because I didn't know.

Thanks pp. I have considered this but not researched it. Mostly I try not to think about the issue at all.

[Anonymous]

I would do whatever I had to to enable MIL to have some quality time with DC because unless she takes drastic measures to improve her health she probably doesn't have many years left.

[Anonymous]

A very close family member ate themselves to death (I mean that very literally), and watching the progression into obesity and then to a very young death was one of the hardest and saddest things I have ever seen. I doubt DH is in as much denial as he acts, and I suspect your MIL has serious emotional troubles that have led to her condition. I understand safety concerns and taking actions to keep things like the picking up by a limb from happening, but I think you should try to have a bit more compassion and approach MIL from a place of concern and warmth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh that sucks. I think you already know that you cannot leave mil with your baby unattended. Period. And mil already knows that she is fat. Like debilitating fat. But, unfortunately, it does need to be communicated to mil that you do not feel comfortable with her caring for (or even handling) baby by herself. I think you are past any sort of "mil, you need to lose weight" conversation.

That is the best.phrase.ever. Debilitating fat. I wonder when regular fat crosses the line into debilitating. When you can't walk a block without getting winded? Or when you need to ride in one of those scooters?

You guys can mock all you want, but my parents are also obese with joint disease (not from the obesity but exacerbated by it) and at a certain point you have to move beyond the illness being the excuse. The real issue in my family is their arthritis, but the effect is exactly what OP describes. My parents know their limits and I accommodate them, but OP is not an asshole for asking how to handle someone who is putting their own pride or denial over the safety of her infant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Safety is my concern. So no compassion is not on my mind since I worry about her ability to respond to needs. Walwith a disease it is easier to talk openly about it and accommodate. With this ...

You don't believe obesity is a disease? Just lazy slobs who overeat? You know very little about obesity.

Let her sit and watch TV with DC. Do the rest yourself. Let her have the little time she has left (if she is truly morbidly obese) just holding the kid. If it isn't safe for her to do other things, tell her. Believe me, she knows she is obese. Keep your kid safe even if DH is in denial.

[Anonymous]

It's just a visit OP. I really don't see how there are major safety issues as long as you or DH stay with the baby and MIL is with her. It's not difficult. And you don't need to make her feel badly about her weight. I promise you she already does. He a good wife and a nice person and welcome her graciously into your home.

[Anonymous]

"Oh, MIL, don't bother picking Junior up! You're the grandma! You just sit there and relax and let me do the hard stuff! Enjoy being the grandma!" Seriously. Save yourself, DH and MIL from awkwardness and humiliation by treating her like a treasured guest who shouldn't -have- to do anything taxing, rather than a fat old woman who -can't- do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Oh, MIL, don't bother picking Junior up! You're the grandma! You just sit there and relax and let me do the hard stuff! Enjoy being the grandma!" Seriously. Save yourself, DH and MIL from awkwardness and humiliation by treating her like a treasured guest who shouldn't -have- to do anything taxing, rather than a fat old woman who -can't- do so.

+1 You're kind of a judging judger who judges otherwise, whether you cloak your judgment as a "safety" concern or not or try to convince yourself that your level of concern isn't disproportionate or skewed by your underlying feelings about obese people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: you should have set up a room for her on fixings floor

it appears this was an auto-correct error, but I thought it was slang for where the fridge is located. "the fixins floor." love it! Ha ha, for shame, OP -- a conscientious DIL would let her obese MIL sleep on the same level as the kitchen so that those nighttime binges are more private!!

[Anonymous]

To the early poster who compared the fat MIL to someone who was paralysed as some sort of sanctimonious judgement call - you suck. But that people who CANNOT do anything about a disability had the same opportunities as those who choose not to. It's is totally different. There's a huge disparity between a condition one has to live with and a condition one has created and refuses to treat (despite all the pharma/medical/etc options out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the early poster who compared the fat MIL to someone who was paralysed as some sort of sanctimonious judgement call - you suck. But that people who CANNOT do anything about a disability had the same opportunities as those who choose not to. It's is totally different. There's a huge disparity between a condition one has to live with and a condition one has created and refuses to treat (despite all the pharma/medical/etc options out there.

I agree that obesity and paralysis are different, but on your logic, shouldn't we just have no sympathy for depressed people who are too far gone to seek treatment and kill themselves, because they "refused" to treat a completely "curable" problem.