Do you serve/eat right away at a house party or holiday?

[Anonymous]

OP, you should just bring your own food each time you are invited over, save yourself the stress.

[Anonymous]

My family: huge family, outrageous amounts of food set out, punctual start, more food added during the party, the party never ends.

My in-laws: small immediate family, but large ethnic community, food takes forever to be prepared and set out, everyone arrives hours late, food is good once it's available, the party ends late.

My poor, overwhelmed SIL: too little food for too many guests!

Conclusion: part temperament of hosts, part culture, part family tradition = party etiquette

I learned to simply bring food along when I go to my in-laws/SIL's parties. Lots of food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:....Assuming the conversation is better than the food, PP......should they not be equally as good and occur simultaneously?

Oh, the conversation continues during and after the meal, of course. It is just considered rude to dive right into the meal - as if people were only coming for that.

This was (and is) the etiquette-driven, formal, old-fashioned way of doing things. Not child-centered in any way! Children were dressed up and on their best behavior.

One way is not better than the other. You just need to be aware of what you have been invited to, or make it clear to your guests if you are the host, so that everyone is prepared.

[Anonymous]

eat b/f you go, OP

I'm sure you can endure these parties two or three times a year.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you ever heard the term "passive-aggressive?"

You're not really asking about party etiquette, you just want to bitch about your MIL. Like DCUM doesn't have enough of these threads!

[Anonymous]

i read once the "protocol" is you serve the food 45 minutes after your guests arrive. it seems reasonable to me. 45 minutes to sociliaze....

[Anonymous]

OP I can commiserate. My family always has food ready, or apps with food pending (nothing very high class - usually BBQ type stuff or lasagna). And, they are often early/late afternoon meals - never 6pm or later. We have elderly family members who have to drive home in daylight.

MIL likes to do sit down 3-course meals. No elderly people to worry about. Apps are out when guests arrive, but she is very bad at planning and dinner is often served late. Luckily, DH, SIL, FIL and I have two approaches:
1) we take over the cooking to make sure it's ready on time
2) we feed the kids an early meal like PB&J or bread and a side that is ready, if it is clear that dinner will not be served on time.

The WORST is the holidays at MIL's best friends' house. Like you, you HAVE to arrive NO LATER THAN 3:30PM or you will be 'late'. You eat apps and 'hang out' while the hostess cooks, often with help from MIL and her daughter. Dinner is literally 20 dishes and is served no earlier than 7:30pm, AND every time one dish will be 'forgotten' in the oven.

When we just had #1, we sucked it up. When we had #2, I set limits. We arrive at 3:30, then we plan to leave at 5:15 (kids eat at 5:30pm). If one kid is hanging tough, then DH stays with that kid while I leave with the younger kid. I have had to endure 'Oh why are you leaving???' and the slew of questions about why can't I put him to bed at their house, etc., but I smile and say 'sorry' and take off. I'm sorry, but kids under age 5 cannot endure a 2-hour meal from 7:30-9:30pm.

I have also learned to blatantly ask, 'When do you plan to serve the meal?'. For example, a 1pm bbq (smack in the middle of nap time) meant food would be served at 5pm. FIVE PM, four HOURS after guests were expected to arrive. And here I'd been planning to skip #2's nap and just leave at 4pm when he got loopy...good thing I'd asked. We arrived after naptime, stayed until dusk, and went home. It was SO much more fun than it would have been otherwise!!!

[Anonymous]

You PPs who bring your own food to parties -- what do the hosts say to you about this (if anything)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I can commiserate. My family always has food ready, or apps with food pending (nothing very high class - usually BBQ type stuff or lasagna). And, they are often early/late afternoon meals - never 6pm or later. We have elderly family members who have to drive home in daylight.

MIL likes to do sit down 3-course meals. No elderly people to worry about. Apps are out when guests arrive, but she is very bad at planning and dinner is often served late. Luckily, DH, SIL, FIL and I have two approaches:
1) we take over the cooking to make sure it's ready on time
2) we feed the kids an early meal like PB&J or bread and a side that is ready, if it is clear that dinner will not be served on time.

The WORST is the holidays at MIL's best friends' house. Like you, you HAVE to arrive NO LATER THAN 3:30PM or you will be 'late'. You eat apps and 'hang out' while the hostess cooks, often with help from MIL and her daughter. Dinner is literally 20 dishes and is served no earlier than 7:30pm, AND every time one dish will be 'forgotten' in the oven.

When we just had #1, we sucked it up. When we had #2, I set limits. We arrive at 3:30, then we plan to leave at 5:15 (kids eat at 5:30pm). If one kid is hanging tough, then DH stays with that kid while I leave with the younger kid. I have had to endure 'Oh why are you leaving???' and the slew of questions about why can't I put him to bed at their house, etc., but I smile and say 'sorry' and take off. I'm sorry, but kids under age 5 cannot endure a 2-hour meal from 7:30-9:30pm.

I have also learned to blatantly ask, 'When do you plan to serve the meal?'. For example, a 1pm bbq (smack in the middle of nap time) meant food would be served at 5pm. FIVE PM, four HOURS after guests were expected to arrive. And here I'd been planning to skip #2's nap and just leave at 4pm when he got loopy...good thing I'd asked. We arrived after naptime, stayed until dusk, and went home. It was SO much more fun than it would have been otherwise!!!

So you only stay for an hour and 45 minutes?
Wow... we're Greek and my kids have always "endured" 7:30-9:30 dinner during the holidays. Its not like they're asking you to do it everyday.
Seriously, I think this is my SIL posting. If it is, she rolls in, drops her kids on anyone that will have them then proceeds to complain for an hour or two... finishes up the gripe session by loudly elaborating about her kid's "schedule" to anyone that will listen. She never lifts a finger to help the rest of us cook, serve or clean up. Frankly, we all breathe a collective sigh of relief when she packs up her kid and goes home.

[Anonymous]

Christmas at my MIL's goes from 5pm 'till well after midnight. She gets pissed if anyone attempts to leave before all of the gifts have been opened.

[Anonymous]

My family always has lots of appetizers out when guests arrive. The main food is served 30-60 minutes later. I think this is a nice balance because no one has to worry about being hungry and conversation can still occur. When it is time for the main food, there is ALWAYS way more than needed and LOTS of choices. We also tend to have meals earlier in the day - 2ish.

My DH's family doesn't usually have much in the way of appetizers. You usually show up and eat the main meal immediately. Then you have dessert immediately and leave. Dinner is usually served at 6ish. While their is always enough food, there are not many choices.

It is a very different experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I can commiserate. My family always has food ready, or apps with food pending (nothing very high class - usually BBQ type stuff or lasagna). And, they are often early/late afternoon meals - never 6pm or later. We have elderly family members who have to drive home in daylight.

MIL likes to do sit down 3-course meals. No elderly people to worry about. Apps are out when guests arrive, but she is very bad at planning and dinner is often served late. Luckily, DH, SIL, FIL and I have two approaches:
1) we take over the cooking to make sure it's ready on time
2) we feed the kids an early meal like PB&J or bread and a side that is ready, if it is clear that dinner will not be served on time.

The WORST is the holidays at MIL's best friends' house. Like you, you HAVE to arrive NO LATER THAN 3:30PM or you will be 'late'. You eat apps and 'hang out' while the hostess cooks, often with help from MIL and her daughter. Dinner is literally 20 dishes and is served no earlier than 7:30pm, AND every time one dish will be 'forgotten' in the oven.

When we just had #1, we sucked it up. When we had #2, I set limits. We arrive at 3:30, then we plan to leave at 5:15 (kids eat at 5:30pm). If one kid is hanging tough, then DH stays with that kid while I leave with the younger kid. I have had to endure 'Oh why are you leaving???' and the slew of questions about why can't I put him to bed at their house, etc., but I smile and say 'sorry' and take off. I'm sorry, but kids under age 5 cannot endure a 2-hour meal from 7:30-9:30pm.

I have also learned to blatantly ask, 'When do you plan to serve the meal?'. For example, a 1pm bbq (smack in the middle of nap time) meant food would be served at 5pm. FIVE PM, four HOURS after guests were expected to arrive. And here I'd been planning to skip #2's nap and just leave at 4pm when he got loopy...good thing I'd asked. We arrived after naptime, stayed until dusk, and went home. It was SO much more fun than it would have been otherwise!!!

So you only stay for an hour and 45 minutes?
Wow... we're Greek and my kids have always "endured" 7:30-9:30 dinner during the holidays. Its not like they're asking you to do it everyday.
Seriously, I think this is my SIL posting. If it is, she rolls in, drops her kids on anyone that will have them then proceeds to complain for an hour or two... finishes up the gripe session by loudly elaborating about her kid's "schedule" to anyone that will listen. She never lifts a finger to help the rest of us cook, serve or clean up. Frankly, we all breathe a collective sigh of relief when she packs up her kid and goes home.

PP here - so here's the deal with my 2yo's 'schedule'. He is starving for dinner by 5:30. He will stuff his face constantly with appetizers, and then have no interest in eating dinner, but is cranky because he didn't eat enough (if you don't know what that's like, you probably don't have boys). Especially because he starts acting like a total hellion as soon as the clock ticks 7pm (bedtime) and we are literally surrounded by expensive china in this person's house. That means, I don't get to eat at a table set with fine china and champagne flutes, so what's the point of sticking around and suffering? We have plenty of time to say hi, touch base with everyone, and leave. If they wanted me to stay longer, they'd start the meal earlier for those of us with kids, wouldn't they? But, they want an adult meal in the evening, and that is their prerogative - I simply drew my line based on my kids' behavior and my unwillingness to suffer for hours with cranky kids because they like their meal late. And no, I'm not 'dropping' my kids on anyone - no one is interested in babysitting nor would I expect them to. My oldest kid can now hang till 9:30 now that he's 4, and he does - but again, we have 2 cars in case I need to take him with me earlier and DH can stay to hang with his family. And I do not complain when I'm there, so no, I am not your SIL.

If you want to experience this first hand, take your SIL's kids off schedule and see what it's like. For those of us with kids who don't just sit quietly when they are tired, you clearly have NO idea how completely pointless it is to stick around for a quiet, sit-down evening dinner. The complaining, well...I can't condone that - she knows the deal ahead of time, doesn't she?

[Anonymous]

We start drinking right away!! Heavy, delicious appetizers--smoked salmon, sausage stuffed mushrooms, cheeses, bacon wrapped breadsticks... All while main course---turkey, prime rib is cooking.

We are Irish-Italian. Good food and drink are very important. Very loud, warm, fun celebrations.

It would be weird to walk in the door and go straight to main dinner. We do have lots of apps before though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We start drinking right away!! Heavy, delicious appetizers--smoked salmon, sausage stuffed mushrooms, cheeses, bacon wrapped breadsticks... All while main course---turkey, prime rib is cooking.

We are Irish-Italian. Good food and drink are very important. Very loud, warm, fun celebrations.

It would be weird to walk in the door and go straight to main dinner. We do have lots of apps before though.

Btw--my mom always had dinner available for the younger grand kids early--homemade Mac--n-cheese , etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You PPs who bring your own food to parties -- what do the hosts say to you about this (if anything)?

If I have kids -- nothing. THey know the food is for the kids!

If I bring adult food it is hors d'oevers and they are yummy so they say "Thank you!"