Stages of grief?

[Anonymous]

I meant to write empathetic core.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good friend of mine has a SN child and I've watched her go thru these stages over and over again, but with time she is accepting more and more about his condition. It broke my heart watching her come to terms with things. She was furious at the docs that diagnosed him and lashed out at them. And at the teachers who told her that he'd need a special aide to remain in their program. Her child is really bad off and might not get to experience the things most of us want for our child--a husband/wife, kids, college, job. I really feel for her and for all of you who have to go thru this. I really admire your strength and the love you have for your child(ren).

I'm sorry, but these sort of "admiring posts" are not helpful in general and in this context are downright intrusive. Do you admire the strength and love that other parents have for their children? My child is MY CHILD. OF COURSE I love her. Ordinary parents need to get over the notion that special needs parents are somehow extraordinary for loving their own children. That makes me so angry.

And referring to a child as "bad off." Please don't do that.

+1

[Anonymous]

Here's one conclusion I've reached after a lot of thought. If you are very perfectionistic and conforming about yourself, your family, your home, and your lifestyle, I think it will take more time. The moms I know who tend to think of themselves this way seem to be dealt a kind of double blow. I know that I always thought of myself as kind of kooky, kind of an outsider if you will, a free spirit. I'm not saying that having a special needs child was something that made me go "Oh, Perfect!" but I think that I never cared as much as many other women what strangers thought of me and about being part of the group, etc. Feelings of loss about fitting in occur to me on behalf of my child when my child is not included, but not so much about my life because I've always felt like kind of an oddball.

So I'll just put that out there. I think the more perfectionistic you are and the higher need you have to be perceived as just one of the neighborhood moms, the harder it may be. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with fitting in -- it's just that we all have different needs and personalities we are starting out with.

[Anonymous]

Reading this thread is helpful. I am an SLP who works with kids with special needs. I have been doing this for a while and I have a child with attentional and behavioral problems (severe ADHD) so I can empathize some. Sometimes when we-- as a team-- work with families, it can be tough. We want so much to support the kids and families we work with, but we sometimes don't know how to work with families in the denial and bargaining phases. As a mom and a therapist, I want to support the families (please do not view this as patronizing) and I make sure to actively listen to them. Some people, however, in their anger, can be harsh, critical etc. in their quest for a cure. Perhaps they have hopped onto the bandwagon of a certain approach or they want to write the goals for us (rather than join in the conversation and do it together). In these times, I try to empathize as best as I can, but it can feel a bit abusive (rare, but it happens. Most families, even when anxious, are respectful). This is tough when you feel like you are a quality therapist.

What do you think has been the most helpful when you have worked with therapists? People who listen, are warm etc. Be honest. We are in a tough role b/c sometimes we can't always give good news and we need to be honest about the child's current abilities....

Thanks....

[Anonymous]

The thing that's helped the most is when I feel the therapist really cares and likes my child. Even when I feel the therapy is useless, the fact that the therapist genuinely cares and likes my kid helps a lot.

[Anonymous]

+1 on the above. I can forgive a therapist a lot if i truely feel they are in it with me for my child.

What I dont like is when a therapist doesnt just say: I dont know.

[Anonymous]

Our therapist has told us that there is nothing more to do and "this is as good as it gets" for our child.

This was hard for me. But we are not giving up.

[Anonymous]

PP -- how does the therapist know that?