DC Shutting Us Out

[Anonymous]

He does still have a year before he actually needs to think seriously about applying, and his ideas/top college choices will probably evolve as he goes through his junior year and starts to take the SAT, hear about the college process from counselors, talk to his friends about it, etc. I was a high school teacher and advisor for 9 years and I have seen so many kids who are absolutely enamored with one school and could not imagine going anywhere else, but 6 months later they've changed their minds. Part of it is the fun of looking at colleges for the first time and sometimes kids get attached to one of the first ones they see. That being said, the school your DS likes could be the school for him. Have you tried talking to him about what he likes about the school? That could open the conversation to your views as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, your son sounds a lot like our youngest son. During spring break of 11th-grade he fell in love with Columbia -- a great school, yes, but not at all what we pictured for hiim. DH and I both attended small schools tucked away in the New England countryside, as did our 2 older DCs. We urged our son to consider smaller schools and to keep Columbia in mind for grad school. He agreed to visit several small schools, but even though he couldn't really say why, he just didn't feel the love.

We fretted . . . he applied to Columbia early and got in . . . we fretted some more . . . he started freshman year . . . we continued with our intensive fretting regimen . . .and . . . he had a great first year! This past weekend we drove his older brother up to his small New England college and on the (long) drive back, he offered this observation: "You know, sometimes I think it would have been great to have gone to a place like Middlebury or Dartmouth where I could ski and hike, but then I know I'd miss the diversity at Columbia and the excitement of living in NY."

Some morals of this story:
kids can actually know themselves and their needs better than you think -- even if they can't always articulate this self-knowledge;
there are trade-offs in every choice and recognizing that is an important part of growing up;
fretting is a big waste of time -- but, OP, you are probably smart enough to know this already!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I suggest talking to the college counselor at your kid's school about this. The college counselors have lots of experience dealing with the dynamics of parent-child interaction around college searches. Our dd's counselor managed to chill us out a bit. They've seen it all before.

The other suggestion I have is that instead of resisting the school you don't like that you just require that your kid pick five top schools, visit them, and research them all with an open mind before making up his mind. My dd also attended two different admitted student weekends. I went with her. I had originally been opposed to the school she finally chose and she was not entranced with it either. But first she was won over and by the time I went through the two admitted student weekends, I was won over as well.

And remember, he's a rising 11th grader. A lot can change between now and next year. So make him promise to keep an open mind and do his research but you also should promise the same.

Good luck! I know this is a stressful time. Hang in there!

This is very sound advice, OP. Our oldest DC sounds a lot like yours -- he's always been stubbornly independent and tried to shut us out of the college process too. Eventually he opened up when he needed our help and saw that we weren't going to take over. His high school guidance counselor was able to make some good suggestions, and he took these more easily from her than from us : ) DC is now a sophomore at the college of his choice and loves it. The most ironic thing is that he ended up at one of our alma maters after almost refusing to apply there. Moral of the story -- it usually works out.