DC Shutting Us Out
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Anonymous
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DC is a terrific student at a rigorous private school and a rising 11th grader so starting to think about colleges. He is into the whole process, researching schools on-line, etc . . . We have told him that he will drive the process and decide where to visit and ultimately it will be his call which school to attend. And he has run with it, tolerating very little discussion. He has become fixated on a school that we don't like and are hoping he changes his mind. But he isn't open to discussing our views about the school.
I don't buy the idea that because we will pay for it, we get the final word. I think this is the first step in his future and he has to make this decision. If we force something on him, he will be prepared to not like the school and it just won't work. And I should add that he has made very sound decisions in the past, about school, summer plans, etc. There are times when we disagreed only to look back later and realize he was right. So . . . I know there are parents who have children who are disengaged from the process. We have the opposite problem, a child who is entirely engaged and shutting us out. Do we just assume he knows best for himself? |
Anonymous
| OP again -- I don't want to out him by naming the school but it is a good school, we just don't like the environment and we fear neither will he if he actually gets there. |
Anonymous
| Why do you dislike the school your DC has chosen? Has DC picked it because it offers something other schools don't offer? Maybe find similar schools and ask DC to also consider them. Remind DC he/she should have back ups. |
Anonymous
| What is it about the environment you don't think your kid will like? Big school? Small school? Very religious? In the middle of nowhere? In the middle of a large city? |
Anonymous
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Has he visited yet? Perhaps he'll have a better sense of whether he'll like the environment once he has some time there.
Also, since he'll need back-ups, have him visit all his top places. |
Anonymous
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OP, I suggest talking to the college counselor at your kid's school about this. The college counselors have lots of experience dealing with the dynamics of parent-child interaction around college searches. Our dd's counselor managed to chill us out a bit. They've seen it all before.
The other suggestion I have is that instead of resisting the school you don't like that you just require that your kid pick five top schools, visit them, and research them all with an open mind before making up his mind. My dd also attended two different admitted student weekends. I went with her. I had originally been opposed to the school she finally chose and she was not entranced with it either. But first she was won over and by the time I went through the two admitted student weekends, I was won over as well. And remember, he's a rising 11th grader. A lot can change between now and next year. So make him promise to keep an open mind and do his research but you also should promise the same. Good luck! I know this is a stressful time. Hang in there! |
Anonymous
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OP again -- big city school with little support. He is going to be a strong applicant and should be open to choices.
He claims he will keep an open mind but he really isn't. But you are right that we should keep an open mind as well -- it is his life and he generally does make the right choices for him. Mostly, I hope he changes his mind between now and then. |
Anonymous
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I think yo get out of a school, what you put into it. Going to a large school in the city means lots of opportunities such as clubs, majors, and internships.
Big schools make efforts to help students make friends and make their departments feel small. If he's involved in his HS, then he should do fine in a big school. |
Anonymous
| Kids change their minds. I'd just focus on visiting a range of schools over the next year and giving him options. |
Anonymous
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So as someone in my 20s- let me offer a bit of perspective here on how this could work out to his advantage. The young adults I know who went to small schools with lots of "support" struggle a lot as adults: they had to live in dorms for all of college and were never treated as adults in the "safer" environment of college, so they don't know how to properly take care of themselves in the real world.
Your kid would learn street smarts and learn to support his own needs. These are generalizations- I am just saying that there might be positive aspects of the school environment. |
Anonymous
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Chill! He has more than a year before he even applies. Things will change. He will have to do SATs, take a bunch of presumably AP courses, and deal with other issues junior year. You both have a long way to go. Chances are he will change his mind. Our DD made up her about her mind about college in 7th grade. It motivated her for years. Now as a rising junior, she is re-evaluating her choice...on her own. Our DS resisted parental involvement. He is excited to be starting as a freshman at a school that neither he nor we knew anything about until fall of his senior year.
Choosing a college really is part of growing up. You DS will learn a lot about himself through the process. Don't stress. Enjoy your last two years with him, they will fly by; and it will work out just fine. |
Anonymous
| OP, the big city school might be the right one for him. He has time. Stand back. He will apply to alot of schools. Let his college advisor help but don't get too involved. |
Anonymous
| Thanks everyone. My gut tells me to stand down but sometimes its hard. |
Anonymous
| OP - My DD had her heart set on a big city school (NYU). When we actually visited campuses, she fell in love with a SLAC in a very rural area. She is about to start her sophomore year and couldn't be happier. |
Anonymous
Interesting, that's not my perspective at all, either from my own generation, or from watching the 20 somethings I hire in droves. |