How do you keep from yelling at your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree-- 1-2-3 Magic is very effective when it is used with consequence and follow through every time.

Right, there is nothing least effective in raising kids, then giving empty threats. If you say this will, happen, and it doesn't the will internalize it and you will lose respect. I agree.

This is the PP that has the two close together (29 and 14 months). We do use this method, and it works great if the older one is doing something like not listening, climbing on the furniture, throwing sand out of the sandbox, etc. If he does not stop at 3, there is some consequence (but most of the time he will stop at 2). BUT, what do you do if he's already done something to his younger sibling, like deliberately pinching or pushing? It's not like you can sit there and count to three if it's already done. Or worse, if he is potentially doing some harm, it needs to stop immediately, not after 2 or 3 seconds. I do find myself yelling in these situations -- not screaming at the top of my lungs, but definitely more than a raised voice.

It is ok to give an immediate consequence with out counting. That is only one method. If you find that he has hurt his sibling, you don't have to yell, just calmly say, you have lost dessert, this toy is taken, etc. After enough followed through consequences, kids do learn to weigh decisions based on weather they actually think they might get in trouble or not. Lots of people use like 3 minute timeouts. I think that there needs to be harsher discipline tactics, because sometimes kids can say is it worth it to hit my sister and only sit for a couple of minutes. If they know the same discipline is coming every time they can almost weigh the decision on the worth of it or not.

[Anonymous]

I use no timeouts, no counting, and I do not interfere in my kids fighting. It is all bunk after a while and the counting this drives me nuts. And time outs REALLY stop working around three....my daughter used to hit me and then walk herself to the step....hello?!?!? Useless. I spend more time thinking about the causes and how to PREVENT situations that are happening all of the time rather than punish after the fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I use no timeouts, no counting, and I do not interfere in my kids fighting. It is all bunk after a while and the counting this drives me nuts. And time outs REALLY stop working around three....my daughter used to hit me and then walk herself to the step....hello?!?!? Useless. I spend more time thinking about the causes and how to PREVENT situations that are happening all of the time rather than punish after the fact.

I would be careful about taking the no punishment rout because there are consequences from teachers, policeman, friends, etc. With certain actions in this world come reward, certain actions garner consequences. It is doing more harm than good to not discipline. It is as integral a part of raising a child as any other ingredient. Timeouts don't work alot of the time, but their are alot of things that do, taking away a playdate, toy, dessert, tv. They will get it.

[Anonymous]

Poster here who does not punish. Consequences and punishments are not the same. I certainly allow my kids to experience consequences, i.e. if she opts to not wear a cold, she will be cold. We decide ahead of time what will happen if she doesn't clean her toys up (they get put away for five days) and these are the consequences of her actions, not me punishing. The worst thing to do, for me, is to for instance, take away a playdate or no TV for an unclean room. One has NOTHING to do with the other and then I become the enemy. This is complicated, but it makes sense when you really think about it. My kids will learn a TRUE sense of consequences when they are ACTUALLY related to the act and not randomly assigned by me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poster here who does not punish. Consequences and punishments are not the same. I certainly allow my kids to experience consequences, i.e. if she opts to not wear a cold, she will be cold. We decide ahead of time what will happen if she doesn't clean her toys up (they get put away for five days) and these are the consequences of her actions, not me punishing. The worst thing to do, for me, is to for instance, take away a playdate or no TV for an unclean room. One has NOTHING to do with the other and then I become the enemy. This is complicated, but it makes sense when you really think about it. My kids will learn a TRUE sense of consequences when they are ACTUALLY related to the act and not randomly assigned by me.

I want you to know I see your point and understand what your saying. I think, however it's idealistic to a degree, meaning we all want to believe kids will see the consequences on their own. However, it's also, our job to parent and if its cold outside, and she doesn't want to wear a jacket, tough. She is wearing one. Her getting sick, means staying home from school, taking off work, getting the rest of us sick, etc. I think for you to look down the line like that is tough for a little one. If my child hits me, their is no natural consequence, he will be punished and understand their is a chain of command in the household. Teachers at school make it clear what boundaries are. Kids will follow boundaries at home also. It doesn't mean to be a drill seargent. I have personally never yelled, but I have set the tempo early on, that their certain actions won't be tolerated. The household is very easy because of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I use no timeouts, no counting, and I do not interfere in my kids fighting. It is all bunk after a while and the counting this drives me nuts. And time outs REALLY stop working around three....my daughter used to hit me and then walk herself to the step....hello?!?!? Useless. I spend more time thinking about the causes and how to PREVENT situations that are happening all of the time rather than punish after the fact.

You can't construct a world in which children never act out. You still need an effective means to punish them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I use no timeouts, no counting, and I do not interfere in my kids fighting. It is all bunk after a while and the counting this drives me nuts. And time outs REALLY stop working around three....my daughter used to hit me and then walk herself to the step....hello?!?!? Useless. I spend more time thinking about the causes and how to PREVENT situations that are happening all of the time rather than punish after the fact.

You can't construct a world in which children never act out. You still need an effective means to punish them.

Your absolutely right. The interesting thing is, children want to know their is a line that they can't cross. It makes them also strive to impress you and please more if they know that on the flip side of the coin, they can get in trouble for things. Punishment is a part of instilling right and wrong in your conscienceness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poster here who does not punish. Consequences and punishments are not the same. I certainly allow my kids to experience consequences, i.e. if she opts to not wear a cold, she will be cold. We decide ahead of time what will happen if she doesn't clean her toys up (they get put away for five days) and these are the consequences of her actions, not me punishing. The worst thing to do, for me, is to for instance, take away a playdate or no TV for an unclean room. One has NOTHING to do with the other and then I become the enemy. This is complicated, but it makes sense when you really think about it. My kids will learn a TRUE sense of consequences when they are ACTUALLY related to the act and not randomly assigned by me.

This is really interesting. But how is losing toys for five days not randomly assigned by you? i ask because when I say to my 5 year old, "you lost that because of what you did," he'll say (in a really upset way, of course), "but you could just give it back to me." I am really sick and tired of consequences myself. And I don't think they help build a relationship based on respect but one based on dominance. However, I don't know what else to do to make him learn real life consequences (with his adulthood in mind, as well as a functioning household).

To the OP re: not shouting -- if I shout, it's usually from being tired, not from the circumstances. If I've slept well, I can handle a lot more, so I know it's sleep. If I didn't get sleep, I try to say to myself, "I am starting the day really, really tired and that means I am likely to get upset today. I am going to try not to." Sounds corny but just acknowledging that it's from lack of sleep helps.