How do you keep from yelling at your kids?

[Anonymous]

Mom of 1 and very strong willed 3 yo here. As much as I try to not yell, use firm low voice when disiplining, use time outs if necessary, etc., my kids (particularly 3 yo) will at least 2x a week push me over edge to yelling ("no", Stop!", etc.). I always feel bad after and know there are better ways but they seem to already know how to push my buttons (and my husbands too).

What do you do when you get to that point just before you yell so that you don't yell?

Looking for success stories (not "its ok to yell" stories). Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

I turn around and walk away, even just a couple steps away or step into another room, kitchen to dining room. It gives both you and your child time to defuse, even if for just a couple minutes.

Yes, 3 yo are quite sharp. Mine hurt my feelings by telling me, "You're not my friend anymore." She said it 2 more times within a 5 minute period. DH says I'm giving too much reaction.

[Anonymous]

But what do you do if one REALLY misbehaves. We have two even closer in age -- 29 months and 14 months. They usually play and interact well together, but at least once a day there's something that the older one does (e.g., pushing, pinching, attempted biting) that I feel requires some serious reprimanding (i.e., beyond a firm voice). We do timeouts, but I still find it hard not to yell in these situations, especially because I know the older one knows it's wrong to do these things.

[Anonymous]

I was at daycare yesterday and the bigger 3 yo boys were starting to fight - push and shove. Without a word, the teacher picked one of them up and moved him from the other boy. The boy stayed in his timeout corner and the 2nd boy did not approach him to continue the fight. Do your time outs work? Does your older child stay in his designated timeout spot? They also emphasize using words to communicate why the child is pushing, biting, or scratching. "Why did you push him? Did somebody take your toy? Then you ask for your toy back. Use your words."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I turn around and walk away, even just a couple steps away or step into another room, kitchen to dining room. It gives both you and your child time to defuse, even if for just a couple minutes.

Yes, 3 yo are quite sharp. Mine hurt my feelings by telling me, "You're not my friend anymore." She said it 2 more times within a 5 minute period. DH says I'm giving too much reaction.

OP: I will try that. Sounds effective especially when you at the point of explosion. I'm looking for ways to de-escalate and mostly stay in control of situation. Sometimes it also helps if I remind myself I'm dealing with a 21 month and 3 yo, too.

[Anonymous]

I use 1-2-3 Magic, so I just say calmly, "That's 1." It doesn't eliminate my yelling, but it helps a LOT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I use 1-2-3 Magic, so I just say calmly, "That's 1." It doesn't eliminate my yelling, but it helps a LOT.

Just make sure at 3 to then give a consequence and follow through. Some people start counting and then start counting over when they get to 3. It doesn't work unless there is a consequence.

[Anonymous]

I agree-- 1-2-3 Magic is very effective when it is used with consequence and follow through every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree-- 1-2-3 Magic is very effective when it is used with consequence and follow through every time.

Right, there is nothing least effective in raising kids, then giving empty threats. If you say this will, happen, and it doesn't the will internalize it and you will lose respect. I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree-- 1-2-3 Magic is very effective when it is used with consequence and follow through every time.

Right, there is nothing least effective in raising kids, then giving empty threats. If you say this will, happen, and it doesn't the will internalize it and you will lose respect. I agree.

This is the PP that has the two close together (29 and 14 months). We do use this method, and it works great if the older one is doing something like not listening, climbing on the furniture, throwing sand out of the sandbox, etc. If he does not stop at 3, there is some consequence (but most of the time he will stop at 2). BUT, what do you do if he's already done something to his younger sibling, like deliberately pinching or pushing? It's not like you can sit there and count to three if it's already done. Or worse, if he is potentially doing some harm, it needs to stop immediately, not after 2 or 3 seconds. I do find myself yelling in these situations -- not screaming at the top of my lungs, but definitely more than a raised voice.

[Anonymous]

I'm 13:47. When it is something that is harming another person, it's an immediate time out. There are some things that go straight to time-out, with no 1-2-3. Just let your kids know what those acts are.

[Anonymous]

Pretend like you are in a public place where a bunch of people are watching, or pretend your own mother is watching or someone else that you admire and respect is watching you. This always helps me stay calm b/c I would not want other people to see me losing control of myself.

[Anonymous]

no gimmick, just self-discipline. I know that my son is just a little toddler and there is no need to yell at him to get my point accross. He is learning his limits and its my job to learn how to learn my own limits (though as parents we must be quick studies).

I'm very adament that I don't want my son learning that its OK to yell and lose his temper. He will learn this behavior by watching me. He clones EVERYTHING DH and I do, down to the gestures we use. They are too spongy and yelling does not make anyone feel good about themselves, especially me.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm not always successful because I am ashamed that I can have quite the temper of my own when pressed too much - but what I am learning to do is to stop, take a deep breath, sometimes bite my tongue (quite literally) and speak in a calm manor to reprimand or as a PP said, walk away for a couple of minutes.

Also, the whole time what I try and keep in mind to stop me the most is that if they see you getting upset, they feed off of that. If you want your child to behave, one of the worst things you can do is let them see you getting riled up by their behavior. That tells them that they are in control and you are not. And that's just a bad road to go down.

[Anonymous]

In terms of the three year old, take a look at what is proceeding the yelling...it is always the same thing? Is it a certain hour? Are you on the phone? Is he hungry? I mean, listen, we are ALL going to lose it from time to time, we are human, but you think he is pushing buttons which means he wants your attention and he is getting it, albeit negative.

As far as that moment, when I cannot get it together and I feel like I am going to blow, I say "Mommy is feeling pretty angry right now and I am going to cool down in my bedroom" The kid may freak if you leave (taking away attention from him) but you are modeling self control which is better than anything.