Hard and fast rules for consistency?

[Anonymous]

so they get 20 min no matter what, but then they can EARN more or not earn more (when they do negative things).... is that the deal? That's a great idea. What do they earn more for? Do you have specific things they earn for: like do their hw, listen etc....Thanks for sharing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I think that screentime is so enticing for these kids with ADHD that you all are right...we should have no screentime during the week. I like the 1-2-3 lose screentime on the weekend, but here's a question... Can your ADHD kids stop themselves by 3-- my kid is not medicated and sometimes it feels like he can't stop himself... maybe that's just an excuse though that I have bought into about impulse control difficulties.... The bedtime info is helpful too.

5:43 here. My ADHD kids have problems stopping themselves even when they're on medication. It's gotten better as they've gotten older but that's why having structure/routine and consistency is so important. For those things that are really important, you've got to stand firm or you'll be communicating to the kids that you don't really mean what you say. Our kids are 'timer trained' so they know when that timer goes off, they have to stop whatever they're doing. It wasn't always easy in the beginning but after doing it for a while, it's dramatically eased transitions and turn taking. Poor impulse control is an explanation but it's not an excuse. We struggle with one kid who yells out whatever pops into his head. We're working on helping him to learn to put the brakes on and edit what he says but, honestly, this is a years long effort.

About the video game playing. The kids get 20 minutes on Saturday and 20 minutes on Sunday no matter what. No matter they're negative behaviors, they always have that. You don't want your kid to be in a position where he feels he's got nothing left to lose. They might have lost all the extra minutes they've earned but they always get 20 minutes and the possibility of earning a little more. That 20 minutes is long enough for them to get into the game and enjoy it but short enough that it makes them want additional time. It provides another opportunity for us to discuss why they don't have more time to play. It helps them make that connection between behavior and consequences without them being totally bent out of shape for not having any time to play. Think about it, how would you behave if you felt you had nothing left to lose.

You sound like an awesome, thoughtful parent. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

[Anonymous]

My 5 and 7 year old both start bedtime at 7:00 and are asleep by 7:30. The 5 yr old wakes up at 6:30 and the 7 yr old between 7:00 and 7:30. If my 7:00 year old stayed up until 8:30 or 9:00 he would be very distracted, impulsive, difficult and irritable the next day. He basically mimics ADHD when overtired. My 5 year old just would be tired the next day.

You might want to do an earlier bedtime and see if it helps with him ADHD symptoms.

[Anonymous]

My child is not ADHD, but I have found that limited screen time doesn't work. If there is any at all during the week, behavior issues, begging and whining result. On the other hand, if we completely eliminate it, she gets used to it not being on (and that means that no one can watch while she is awake), and there is no problem with it at all. Even in the mornings when she gets up earlier, life is easier if we make her entertain herself and don't turn on the tv. It also helps us to get to bed earlier. We were at about 8:30 before we eliminated tv, but once it was completely eliminated during the week, we had very little trouble getting her to bed at 7:30 because she looked forward to the books a lot more.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I work in DC and don't get home until 6 most nights. Yeah, you don't get to spend copious amounts of time with them at night, but if they stayed up later they would be crazy and that's not worth it to anyone. That's really a quantity over quality issue.

My SN 6 year old goes to bed at 7:30 and the NT 6 yo goes to bed at 8. Sometimes during the school year he asks to go to bed early if you can believe that! It's exhausting on all kids, but especially the kids that need to focus so much more than others day in and day out.

I agree structure and consistency are key. My kids do not fight bedtime. I have lots of friends who have horrible sleepers. That's the one area we do have down, but it's only because we made that a family priority and they are just used to having a strict bedtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so they get 20 min no matter what, but then they can EARN more or not earn more (when they do negative things).... is that the deal? That's a great idea. What do they earn more for? Do you have specific things they earn for: like do their hw, listen etc....Thanks for sharing!

Yes. They get 20 minutes no matter what. We give extra minutes for trying new foods (they can spit it out but they have to chew it twice before doing so) and when we 'catch them being good'. That can be when they're especially helpful, when they're playing really cooperatively together, when they've had excellent behavior at school, when they do something unasked, etc. We don't give extra minutes for every single instance of good behavior just like we don't take minutes away for every instance of bad behavior. That helps keep the behavior from being commoditized - we want them to do this behavior for intrinsic purposes and not for Wii minutes. But, we also recognize that rewards are effective tools for ADHD kids until that intrinsic motivation kicks in. And, frankly, we don't want food to become a power thing but we want them to try new things. By using this system, we take the power out of it but our kids still feel like they control what goes in their mouths. I, for one, don't care if they earn extra minutes or not but we do tend to give more minutes for trying new foods than for being nice to a sibling.

As far as losing minutes, we always give a warning unless it's something very egregious - like hitting. How many minutes they lose is entirely at our discretion, just like how many they earn is (and we keep it pretty random by not giving the same amount twice and doing odd amounts like 2.5 minutes). You can be very creative, actually, sometimes you have to be so that it doesn't become stale and they remain motivated.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have really thought this out. I like the idea about earning and losing electronic minutes. Honestly, this seems to be the only thing that the kids really desire...

[Anonymous]

How do you keep track of the times? Do you have some sort of visual chart? I want to implement this with my dd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you keep track of the times? Do you have some sort of visual chart? I want to implement this with my dd.

When the kids were younger, we didn't keep track of it at all. On Saturday/Sunday, they'd ask how many extra minutes they had and we'd just make up something. Sort of like the 'list' we keep all year of the things they want from Santa or their birthday. As they got older, we'd start giving them coins. A penny is 1 minute, a nickel is 5, etc. If we were doing halves (like 2.5) we'd just do it mentally. They each had a jar to keep their coins. The jar was up high so only DH and I could reach it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you keep track of the times? Do you have some sort of visual chart? I want to implement this with my dd.

When the kids were younger, we didn't keep track of it at all. On Saturday/Sunday, they'd ask how many extra minutes they had and we'd just make up something. Sort of like the 'list' we keep all year of the things they want from Santa or their birthday. As they got older, we'd start giving them coins. A penny is 1 minute, a nickel is 5, etc. If we were doing halves (like 2.5) we'd just do it mentally. They each had a jar to keep their coins. The jar was up high so only DH and I could reach it.

We sort of do a variation of this system, using those plastic gold coins you can get at party stores, Target, etc. We keep the coins in a small bucket, and each kid has their own coin jar. The kids earn coins for good behavior like listening the first time, helping around the house, saying please or thank you without reminders, etc. and lose coins for bad behavior like back-talk, hitting, teasing, etc. With our ADHD child, we will also reward coins for eating a good meal, because he has issues with appetite suppression due to his medication. I've found it's the only way I can get him to eat on some days! They can trade in two coins for a TV show or 20 minutes of iPad or XBox time. You can modify the system to suit your kids' particular behavior level. For example, if they are already pretty compliant, maybe you only give one coin for certain behaviors so they don't end up amassing a huge number of coins. Our ADHD son seems to only have 2-4 coins in his jar at any particular point.
Prior to this coin system, we had tried various charts, but this definitely works better. I don't know if it's necessarily the best way to get kids to comply, but if anything, it really cuts own on the yelling in our household, because we just use the loss of coins as a threat, and that usually gets their attention.

[Anonymous]

About the video game playing. The kids get 20 minutes on Saturday and 20 minutes on Sunday no matter what. No matter they're negative behaviors, they always have that. You don't want your kid to be in a position where he feels he's got nothing left to lose. They might have lost all the extra minutes they've earned but they always get 20 minutes and the possibility of earning a little more.

AMEN. You nailed it. My child doesn't have ADHD, but a history of trauma and disordered attachment, so they, too, have trouble controlling their behaviors at times. Certain things are a guarantee. Them having nothing left to loose isn't a great position for any of you and will only result in even more stress.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Your suggestions regarding rewards w/ electronics is EXTREMELY helpful. Thank you to the poster who gave the explanation about 20 min of time and the poster who uses the coins (you both use similar strategies).

One question though: the ipad and computer can be good for educational uses. Do you allow this during the week or only on the weekend? Both of my boys get very addicted to electronics, so I like the idea of NO electronics/computer on the weekdays and at least 20 to 30 min on sat and sundays (specifically the wii). But then I think that I would somehow like to encourage educational games somehow, but of course, they would rather not do the educational games (or earn them). But maybe the educational games are a good compromise on weekdays (1 to 2x week) where they can chill and zone, but maybe learn something too. The night is also short for us b/c we get home at like 6:15 (they are in after care). So, I'm not sure if there is even time after eating and homework....

Thanks again for your wonderful ideas....

[Anonymous]

Another poster thanking the pp who explained her system. We started this afternoon with my AS dd and she's been walking around with her tub of pennies proudly announcing how many pennies she has. Clearly we're still in the honeymoon period with any new thing, but we've had the best afternoon that we've had in a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Your suggestions regarding rewards w/ electronics is EXTREMELY helpful. Thank you to the poster who gave the explanation about 20 min of time and the poster who uses the coins (you both use similar strategies).

One question though: the ipad and computer can be good for educational uses. Do you allow this during the week or only on the weekend? Both of my boys get very addicted to electronics, so I like the idea of NO electronics/computer on the weekdays and at least 20 to 30 min on sat and sundays (specifically the wii). But then I think that I would somehow like to encourage educational games somehow, but of course, they would rather not do the educational games (or earn them). But maybe the educational games are a good compromise on weekdays (1 to 2x week) where they can chill and zone, but maybe learn something too. The night is also short for us b/c we get home at like 6:15 (they are in after care). So, I'm not sure if there is even time after eating and homework....

Thanks again for your wonderful ideas....

I think what you could do in his case is have a rule that if hey finish their homework/dinner by x time, they can play an educational game on the iPad ( set up a folder wih approved games) for 10 minutes before bed, or something like that.

[Anonymous]

that's a good idea... they probably won't even want it on weekdays if it's educational (not angry birds!) Thanks. Who knew parenting would be so exhausting?!