Catty little girls

[Anonymous]

When we lived in another city, our dd was "mean-girled" by a neighbor's dd who was a year older - starting when our dd was about 18 m/o and this girl was 2.6, believe it or not.

Her behavior stayed consistent despite being actively addressed by her parents. They were quite mortified by her behavior, and we were very close to them as a couple and therefore able to talk about it together. I guess what I am saying is that I always thought it was solely learned behavior, but there are also some children with an innate personality predisposition for this kind of negative "alpha" behavior. What made it even worse was this girl was very bright too - so, over time, it was clear she learned socially appropriate responses at times, but it didn't shift her default and underlying tendencies. She would also influence other children to gang up and reject someone. So we had two other neighbor girls who were more "follower" types and would play with my dd really well unless this one girl was around. One of these girls' mothers stopped having her dd have playdates with her because she told me that she did this at the playground with other children as well. And it just wasn't something that she grew out of during the 4 years we knew her.

I was honestly relieved when we decided, for other reasons, to move. Not that doing so will protect dd from mean girls everywhere, but this girl had the potential to have a particularly hurtful impact on dd because dd had known her since she was born.

[Anonymous]

That is fascinating...and disturbing!

[Anonymous]

Do these mean girls have older siblings? Just wondering since there was a boy in my 4 year old DS's class who was really mean to my son. This boy had an older brother and I believe his older brother teased and tormented him and that this boy then proceeded to torment some of his classmates.

[Anonymous]

The mean girls in my DD's classroom were all oldest or onlies, interestingly. One's mom is an elem teacher, which is how I think all four of them got in the same class together.

[Anonymous]

The mean girls I knew when I was younger were from troubled homes or insecure.

[Anonymous]

my daughter also faced a ringleader bully of a girl in preschool... my kid was 3, the other girl was 4. even while i was watching, the bully girl would tell all the other little girls that were my daughter's friends to come sit at a table. seeing there was one seat open, my daughter went to sit. but the bully girl said "NO you're not allowed!" and of course the other little girls just go with it because they're on her good side. already at age 3 and 4! i told her firmly that my daughter could sit there if she wants to. and i told my daughter to stay away from her because she's MEAN. haha luckily she moved.

[Anonymous]

Future Miss Washington County? http://www.wjla.com/news/stories/0808/547519.html

[Anonymous]

This is so sad!

I have a little boy and boys problems are more along the lines of pushing and shoving...not as complex as this. I hope to one day have a girl and this kind of behavior will NOT be tolerated by me and will make my blood boil if my daugher is the brunt of this. Bullying (because that's what these girls are doing) is getting a lot of press lately. Hopefully schools are taking this seriously and adressing it.

We just want to wrap our children up and protect them forever and ever, but you just can't. That is the hardest part of letting go.

[Anonymous]

So that's a good point- what do you do when you see your young child the brunt of some mean girl who is queen bee'ish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So that's a good point- what do you do when you see your young child the brunt of some mean girl who is queen bee'ish?

I'd probably tell my little girl to ignore her and find other friends. If the mean girl sees that nice girl doesn't care, she'll lose at her own game.
If there's serious bullying (older kids...like jr. high), I'd sign my kid up for karate and tell her to beat the crap out of the mean girls.
This worked for my sister who was teased mercilessly in 6th grade. She clocked this kid (a boy) in the jaw after some serious teasing, and was never picked on again. I know teachers say this is totally taboo, but I think some bullies only respond to violence.

[Anonymous]

7?

I've seen several cases of it on the playground with 4 and 5 year old girls!

1 girl "leading" a group of a few other 3-4 year old kids, another little boy came and asked to join them in the sandbox. They told him no, so he found a little corner of his own that they weren't dominating to play in. Not bothering them in the least. The lil ring leader actually said to the group, "let's make him cry!"

Not a single one of their caretakers were anywhere nearby so I asked her not to and gave her "the look." They got up and went to terrorize another part of the playground. Evil.

The other was a 5 year old girl in a different playground who was playing with a child my friend nannies for and trying (unsuccessfully) to get her to do naughty things and be mean to others. In the course of about 10 minutes she PUSHED my 1yr old, because she was playing with her (my 1yo's) stroller! And a few minutes later commented that she would pour water on the 1yo's head because she was using a plastic chair to balance on and try climbing into that the brat wanted to sit in. Later she kept trying to give the other 1yo a dirty, gross sippy cup she found on the ground even after I asked and then told her not to as it wasn't his. Again, a mom too busy reading her book to pay attention to her child. There was more from that girl, too. Just mean and totally out of control.

I shudder to think of either of those kids at 12.

[Anonymous]

There is a song both my children know the words to very well by Sugarland, one of the verses is "mean girls stink". I hope my children believe this and never ever become a mean kid. It may be a personality trait but the parents should come down hard on these kids. Bullying should never be allowed by either sex, even if the child is a born bully.

[Anonymous]

As the mom of a former (I hope) mean girl, I can tell you it is VERY HARD to stop the behavior. It involves repeated corrections. Some kids just are not born empathetic -- they have to be taught it over and over, with specific examples. It's not that easy for some kids to understand how other kids feel. I must have asked her "how would you feel if you were being left out, etc." every day for years. I think the message is finally sinking in (hooray!). Some of the parents of the "mean kids" are trying as hard as we can, believe me.

[Anonymous]

Another word for those without empathy is sociopath. Very, very scary indeed.

[Anonymous]

i think before we all start labeling kids and assuming they will grow up to be sociopaths, we should start doing what we are all preaching right here... EMPATHIZING with the bully kid.

if i really stop to think about it, i remember times when i was the target of bullying... and other times when i was the bully. the times when i was the target are easier to remember but i am sure most of us have had times when we unfairly bossed around other kids (maybe younger siblings even).

i think adults who catch that kind of behavior need to acknowledge it and correct it. most kids before middle school will still respond with some fear and listening if an adult speaks firmly to them and tells them that they are not being nice or whatever to show them that they have been caught doing wrong. the problem with being a mean girl is that it is a position of power, you are the decider of what is cool, and others bend to you. but if someone (an adult) comes in an bursts your bubble and makes you realize how hurtful you are being, it puts a damper on that power trip. maybe you have to catch and correct that behavior over and over again like the 8:24 pp... but i have to believe that these kids are not all destined to become crazy senseless adults.