Not able to swing private school for all DC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We currently have two kids in private. We had every intention of sending all three of our children but with the current economy unfortunately there is no way we can start DD in private K like the others. What would you do? Move the older ones to public or keep them where they are and, hopefully, switch DD down the road when money is not so tight?

i'm truly puzzled by how you got to this point. how old is the youngest? how would you afford everything else, too (like saving for/helping with college, although I guess if you're paying for private you just keep paying when they get to college).

to some degree, the "solution" depends on why your kids are in private school, right? do you live where you could reasonably send your kids to public, or are they in private because the local options are bad? do you need to move to make switching them to private schools reasonable? i'd worry (i'm prone to it so it may not be a normal worry) that the older ones would resent you and their youngest sibling if you have to pull them out of privates/move to a different place to go to public. or that the youngest would resent not getting to go to private school too.

i would make a list of all of the options -- including moving locally, moving out of the area to lower cost of living area, parochial schools (often less expensive), financial aid, etc. once you look at that you will get a better sense of what the best option is for everyone. also think about the best time to talk with your kids about this -- some would prefer to be part of the decision, some would rather just know the result. good luck -- i know it can't be easy.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why the previous poster is "puzzled" at how you got to this point. I'm sure that many of us had kids five years ago and fully expected to realize sufficient income five years later to be able to swing that private K. I'm sure that many of us did not expect the economic downturn or the long road to recovery, so, if the PP gave you any reason to doubt yourself, don't. We are trying to figure out how to swing our second in private school, and we are starting two years in advance to figure out where to cut so that we can afford both of them long term. It is going to be tight. We know that if we have a third that the third would go to public school for the early years (we live in a great school district), and that's just the way it would have to be. We have quite a few friends who send 1 or 2 of their three children to private school -- I think it's more common than you think. I also know people who pulled their older two out of private school when the third one went to school. There are lots of options. I don't know that I'd move; that seems really disruptive, but do the best that you can and take it year by year.

[Anonymous]

23:11 Almost everyone I know has a well adjusted second child and a 1st child who has more difficulties. If not it is because they had a lot of experience with children before having their own, had a super well adjusted child regardless of what they did, or had a special needs child second. It is often written that 2nd children are better adjusted, better at sports, and do better in school. I think this has a lot to do with parents always being a little behind the curve with the 1st and the 1st having to pave the way by him or herself with fewer opportunities to see what lays just ahead for them. I competely agree that my second child could do well anywhere and my 1st needs most of my attention but this is partly because I can handle the second child much better from experience with the first. Think of it as a compliment verses resenting your sibling. I'm guessing your parent's choices didn't mean you couldn't ask for help when you needed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why the previous poster is "puzzled" at how you got to this point. I'm sure that many of us had kids five years ago and fully expected to realize sufficient income five years later to be able to swing that private K. I'm sure that many of us did not expect the economic downturn or the long road to recovery, so, if the PP gave you any reason to doubt yourself, don't. We are trying to figure out how to swing our second in private school, and we are starting two years in advance to figure out where to cut so that we can afford both of them long term. It is going to be tight. We know that if we have a third that the third would go to public school for the early years (we live in a great school district), and that's just the way it would have to be. We have quite a few friends who send 1 or 2 of their three children to private school -- I think it's more common than you think. I also know people who pulled their older two out of private school when the third one went to school. There are lots of options. I don't know that I'd move; that seems really disruptive, but do the best that you can and take it year by year.

Blah blah blah. Stop trying to explain away OPs choices. OP didn't start a business that fell on hard times because of the economy. If she did she would have said so, instead they bit off more than they can chew and shes coming here for free therapy. The answer really isn't that hard. Move to a good school district and know your place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:23:11 Almost everyone I know has a well adjusted second child and a 1st child who has more difficulties. If not it is because they had a lot of experience with children before having their own, had a super well adjusted child regardless of what they did, or had a special needs child second. It is often written that 2nd children are better adjusted, better at sports, and do better in school. I think this has a lot to do with parents always being a little behind the curve with the 1st and the 1st having to pave the way by him or herself with fewer opportunities to see what lays just ahead for them. I competely agree that my second child could do well anywhere and my 1st needs most of my attention but this is partly because I can handle the second child much better from experience with the first. Think of it as a compliment verses resenting your sibling. I'm guessing your parent's choices didn't mean you couldn't ask for help when you needed it.

Got a reference or two for this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's a tough call because it will be harder on your oldest two to have to make the switch than on your youngest to start in public. We have this conversation all the time because it's going to be tight when our 2nd gets to K. Our older child definitely needs the smaller classes but our youngest is the type who will do well anywhere.

If I were in your shoes and thought there was a realistic possibility that you could afford to send your DD to her siblings' school in the next 3 or so years, I'd leave the older two where they are and start her in K. If you truly doubt you'll ever be able to afford to send all 3, I'd considering moving them all to public, but would possibly wait until a transition year.

My older brother and I went to the same school, but my parents did have the attitude that my brother needed extra attention and support, but that I didnt need it and would be "just fine.". I am better than fine, but I do still have some (mild) resentment toward my parents, and I still have a hard time accepting help from others, as I was taught that I shouldn't need it (or deserve it). I also don't think they did my brother any favors. I know I'm not imagining this, as my mother apologized to me for this when I was an adult. It just worries me when I hear parents say "child number one is a special snowflake, but child number two will do well anywhere.". I think all they're really saying is child number one is a first child and child number 2 is a second child. Funny how you almost never hear parents say, "child number one is doing great in public school, but child number 2 needs to go to private.". That may exist where number two truly has special needs, but almost never just based on personality. Please just be very honest with yourself regarding whether or not your different view of your children's needs truly based on their personality, or just based on how they've always been treated.

I'm sorry it happened this way in your family, but not all families are like that. I was child #1, and thrived in public school. My younger brother needed every extra ounce of support he got in the extremely expensive private school my parents sent him to. I hope that when my kids are older, they understand that we really are taking into account their individual needs and personalities. Treating kids equally/fairly does not mean treating them the same.

[Anonymous]

OP, the fact that you are asking the question and struggling with the cost of private means you have answered your own question. You can't afford private school. There is nothing wrong with this, it is just a financial reality. Sometimes, in this area, private school looks "do-able" for ordinary families simply because other ordinary families are able to swing it. Well, there are plenty of families that are jeopardizing their financial future in order to pay for this luxury now. Yes, I call it a luxury on purpose. It is a luxury. There are some of the best public schools in the country around here. You don't need to go broke paying for private in order to do right by your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:23:11 Almost everyone I know has a well adjusted second child and a 1st child who has more difficulties. If not it is because they had a lot of experience with children before having their own, had a super well adjusted child regardless of what they did, or had a special needs child second. It is often written that 2nd children are better adjusted, better at sports, and do better in school. I think this has a lot to do with parents always being a little behind the curve with the 1st and the 1st having to pave the way by him or herself with fewer opportunities to see what lays just ahead for them. I competely agree that my second child could do well anywhere and my 1st needs most of my attention but this is partly because I can handle the second child much better from experience with the first. Think of it as a compliment verses resenting your sibling. I'm guessing your parent's choices didn't mean you couldn't ask for help when you needed it.

Got a reference or two for this?

+1. This anecdotal evidence flies in the face of a lot of research on birth order.

[Anonymous]

Even of you do it with the best of intentions or try to say the "fit" is better for one kid than the other (barring major special Ed) your child may not see it that way. I think you are setting up a lot of needless sibling rivalry. I would love for my kids to go to Catholic school. My oldest is in special Ed and gets great services. That means that we have to stay public for him and for everyone.

[Anonymous]

I've definitely read more articles, but here is one article on grades and birth order. I think this article is interesting because it also talks about how the oldest's education has an effect on the younger children. It says to me you should choose how your younger children get educated taking into consideration how your older children are educated since they will be mentors to your younger children. If you get it wrong for your older child, your younger child will be affected negatively. This is what I meant by saying that it was more important to pay attention to how the older one is doing because there is a trickle down effect. Obviously if they are in different schools there will be less of a connection between them. Since sibling closeness is something I value I would hate to split my children up, but I can see why some would in certain cases.

http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/education/article/849752--oldest-children-smarter-but-younger-siblings-get-better-grades-study

I don't think it's disputed that younger children get along with others more easily and do better at sports, so I'm not going to take the time to look up studies that say so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the fact that you are asking the question and struggling with the cost of private means you have answered your own question. You can't afford private school. There is nothing wrong with this, it is just a financial reality. Sometimes, in this area, private school looks "do-able" for ordinary families simply because other ordinary families are able to swing it. Well, there are plenty of families that are jeopardizing their financial future in order to pay for this luxury now. Yes, I call it a luxury on purpose. It is a luxury. There are some of the best public schools in the country around here. You don't need to go broke paying for private in order to do right by your kids.

If all private school is the lifestyle you wanted, you should have thought long and hard before having a 3rd child. It sounds like you should have stopped at 2. I always wonder why families get into these situations where they think they can have it all? Life is about working hard, making trade offs, compromise and doing the best you can with what you've got. Your family needs to be in public school.

I also find it telling that OP has not been back to admit where she lives. I bet OP can send her children to a good public school, she just doesn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Blah blah blah. Stop trying to explain away OPs choices. OP didn't start a business that fell on hard times because of the economy. If she did she would have said so, instead they bit off more than they can chew and shes coming here for free therapy. The answer really isn't that hard. Move to a good school district and know your place.

I thought this actually was pretty true until I got to the last sentence. No one needs to know their place as if we're in some sort of feudal caste system. Know your financial situation yes, but people with a superiority complex aren't the type I want to be around or admire and I don't want my kids around them either. Just check out the post on the lady who is going to Harvard after coming from an abusive home and the posting on the drug addicts from rich public and private schools to see that money and opportunity doesn't always buy you a rich and rewarding life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:23:11 Almost everyone I know has a well adjusted second child and a 1st child who has more difficulties. If not it is because they had a lot of experience with children before having their own, had a super well adjusted child regardless of what they did, or had a special needs child second. It is often written that 2nd children are better adjusted, better at sports, and do better in school. I think this has a lot to do with parents always being a little behind the curve with the 1st and the 1st having to pave the way by him or herself with fewer opportunities to see what lays just ahead for them. I competely agree that my second child could do well anywhere and my 1st needs most of my attention but this is partly because I can handle the second child much better from experience with the first. Think of it as a compliment verses resenting your sibling. I'm guessing your parent's choices didn't mean you couldn't ask for help when you needed it.

I wouldn't say it is a compliment, I would say it just is. I have often pondered the irony of the fact that having less attention made me more resilient and prepared for life, and, as a result, more "successful" as an adult. However, I do often wonder if it is really that the first child isn't as resilient, but just rather that the parent never lets them find out. As an adult, I was shocked at how my older brother had been protected from some of the realities of our childhood -- my parent's money struggles, etc. that they never bothered hiding from me. As an adult, my brother was actually chagrined that they hadn't been more open with him, and he felt guilty, in retrospect, for some of his behavior. He is not an insensitive person, so I don't think he was being purposefully obtuse.

Because I was in this position myself, it's made me more sensitive to it in others, and I can't tell you how many people I know who favor their oldest child in this way. I think it is just natural to focus on the child that is hitting novel, and seemingly, more important milestones. Just note that, even though you view it as the second child needing less of your attention because you have the experience from the first, your second child may not see it that way. I give my mother credit for being wise enough to seeing what happened, and being big enough to apologize. She said that she was sorry for leaving me to deal with so many things on my own, but that she just "always assumed that I would be ok," and that that wasn't fair. FWIW, my mother and I actually had a great relationship as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why the previous poster is "puzzled" at how you got to this point. I'm sure that many of us had kids five years ago and fully expected to realize sufficient income five years later to be able to swing that private K. I'm sure that many of us did not expect the economic downturn or the long road to recovery, so, if the PP gave you any reason to doubt yourself, don't. We are trying to figure out how to swing our second in private school, and we are starting two years in advance to figure out where to cut so that we can afford both of them long term. It is going to be tight. We know that if we have a third that the third would go to public school for the early years (we live in a great school district), and that's just the way it would have to be. We have quite a few friends who send 1 or 2 of their three children to private school -- I think it's more common than you think. I also know people who pulled their older two out of private school when the third one went to school. There are lots of options. I don't know that I'd move; that seems really disruptive, but do the best that you can and take it year by year.

Blah blah blah. Stop trying to explain away OPs choices. OP didn't start a business that fell on hard times because of the economy. If she did she would have said so, instead they bit off more than they can chew and shes coming here for free therapy. The answer really isn't that hard. Move to a good school district and know your place.

What the heck is that supposed to mean? I am not the OP, but I find that comment condescending. You're a real peach.

[Anonymous]

Most people I know favor their second child because they are easier to deal with. I try to be fair to both and certainly love them equally, but probably spend more time with my older and enjoy more time with my second. Agree some parents seem to forget about the other siblings especially if there are many of them and it can cause problems for the younger ones. I spend a lot of time with my second, but honestly it is a lot less work for me to keep up with what is going on with his life than with my first and I feel like the time I spend getting to know how to deal with my first will help me in the long run with my second. I know the school program for our local school and all the privates, the summer camp programs, the cub scout program, we have more friends for him, etc, etc. If your older child is happy in school, it is much more likely that the younger siblings will be happy as well. If the older one says school is hard, boring, kids are mean, etc. that will trickle down to the younger ones too. This is why there are more redshirted 1st borns because some families want to be sure their oldest has a good experience starting out.