Do your inlaws see you as family, the same as they treat your spouse/your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that people give their grown and presumably independent "kids" money for their birthdays? I am not from here, so this could be cultural on my part, but I find it verty strange. Dinner out, or a card and a nice bottle of wine, tickets to an event I can see, but just cash? Unless he struggles financially, of course... But even then perhaps not as a b-day present...

I'm not from here as well, but I don't hink it's strange. It's their choice what they want to spend their money on, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the same type of behavior from myIL's. They are kind when they are with me, but some of their behavior makes me wonder. They actually took a picture of all the siblings (we are the only ones married) and excluded me. This kind of behavior is very hurtful.

Mine did this too! They arranged for a portrait session, and grouped the family in different ways (everyone, just the young cousins, etc.). Then they did one with just the blood relatives, so the two of us (out of 12 in the group) who are mere spouses had to step out. I love my in-laws, but that one "little" incident was eye-opening. My parents would never have treated sons/daughters in-law like that, so it was a bit of a shock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that people give their grown and presumably independent "kids" money for their birthdays? I am not from here, so this could be cultural on my part, but I find it verty strange. Dinner out, or a card and a nice bottle of wine, tickets to an event I can see, but just cash? Unless he struggles financially, of course... But even then perhaps not as a b-day present...

My American in-laws (I'm American, too), give money as gifts for birthdays, Christmas and anniversaries despite the fact that their children make much more money than they do. The kids in that family tend to give gift cards. My husband jokes that they should all just exchange bank account numbers and at the count of ten on Christmas simultaneously deposit money into each other's accounts. It's a little odd and not very personal, but I think everyone just wants to give what they think is most useful.

[Anonymous]

Last year they gave me $300 for my birthday. They gave their son thousands for Christmas and birthday. We are getting married later this year, so maybe it will change after that but I don't really care one way or another. They are kind, generous people who have welcomed me into their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get the same type of behavior from myIL's. They are kind when they are with me, but some of their behavior makes me wonder. They actually took a picture of all the siblings (we are the only ones married) and excluded me. This kind of behavior is very hurtful.

Mine did this too! They arranged for a portrait session, and grouped the family in different ways (everyone, just the young cousins, etc.). Then they did one with just the blood relatives, so the two of us (out of 12 in the group) who are mere spouses had to step out. I love my in-laws, but that one "little" incident was eye-opening. My parents would never have treated sons/daughters in-law like that, so it was a bit of a shock.

Wow, PP, that's insensitive and would bother me too. Seems unnecessary and needlessly unkind. Sorry that happened. I guess look at the bright side: you're not blood relatives of these people.

[Anonymous]

My in laws treat me as family, even more so now that we have DD. They send me birthday cards, anniversary cards (to me and DH), and mother's day cards, always with a small, sweet gift (nothing crazy, but something like a $25 Target card - which I'll definitely use). They are warm and welcoming and have been very supportive of me over the years. That said, my situation is very unusual. Most of my friends do not enjoy that relationship with their in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get the same type of behavior from myIL's. They are kind when they are with me, but some of their behavior makes me wonder. They actually took a picture of all the siblings (we are the only ones married) and excluded me. This kind of behavior is very hurtful.

Mine did this too! They arranged for a portrait session, and grouped the family in different ways (everyone, just the young cousins, etc.). Then they did one with just the blood relatives, so the two of us (out of 12 in the group) who are mere spouses had to step out. I love my in-laws, but that one "little" incident was eye-opening. My parents would never have treated sons/daughters in-law like that, so it was a bit of a shock.

Wow, PP, that's insensitive and would bother me too. Seems unnecessary and needlessly unkind. Sorry that happened. I guess look at the bright side: you're not blood relatives of these people.

I think that kind of behavior is rather common, particularly with photos of family at weddings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws treat me as family, even more so now that we have DD. They send me birthday cards, anniversary cards (to me and DH), and mother's day cards, always with a small, sweet gift (nothing crazy, but something like a $25 Target card - which I'll definitely use). They are warm and welcoming and have been very supportive of me over the years. That said, my situation is very unusual. Most of my friends do not enjoy that relationship with their in laws.

It's sounds as though you also treat your IN's well and therein lies the difference in how one is treated.
f

[Anonymous]

Hmmm. My in laws are pretty awesome. They do give generously to DH on his bday - they acknowledge mine but don't send money. I don't expect it, though. Nor do I t
Him its odd for there to be family pictures with just blood-related sibs. In my family, its the norm to do some of both.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are very nice to me and treat me like family, but they don't treat me the same as they treat DH. Nor do I expect them to! He's their son, and they created him, raised him, and have known him for 40 years. They've known me for 10, so how can that lead to being treated the same?

That said, ignoring birthdays and excluding from family portraits is bad, hurtful behavior!

[Anonymous]

OP, my in-laws do the exact same thing! And they very specifically "forget" my birthday every year. I always chalked it up to being the "local girl" bride. Indian DILs are not supposed to be treated well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get the same type of behavior from myIL's. They are kind when they are with me, but some of their behavior makes me wonder. They actually took a picture of all the siblings (we are the only ones married) and excluded me. This kind of behavior is very hurtful.

Mine did this too! They arranged for a portrait session, and grouped the family in different ways (everyone, just the young cousins, etc.). Then they did one with just the blood relatives, so the two of us (out of 12 in the group) who are mere spouses had to step out. I love my in-laws, but that one "little" incident was eye-opening. My parents would never have treated sons/daughters in-law like that, so it was a bit of a shock.

Wow, PP, that's insensitive and would bother me too. Seems unnecessary and needlessly unkind. Sorry that happened. I guess look at the bright side: you're not blood relatives of these people.

I think that kind of behavior is rather common, particularly with photos of family at weddings.

Ironically, at a wedding, it's done in case people divorce!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that people give their grown and presumably independent "kids" money for their birthdays? I am not from here, so this could be cultural on my part, but I find it verty strange. Dinner out, or a card and a nice bottle of wine, tickets to an event I can see, but just cash? Unless he struggles financially, of course... But even then perhaps not as a b-day present...

I'm sure you're not the only one, but no, I don't think it's weird. My mom will give money, my MIL gives gifts. My MIL tends to give weird gifts, which I still appreciate. With the cash I can buy something I want.

[Anonymous]

nope - not like family at all.

--money at birthdays. Dh gets about 4X as much as i get from his parents
--gifts - they bring him big gifts (expensive cologne, wool sweaters, ties) every time they come out. usually nothing for me. prefaced with "we had no idea what you like" (hmmm... you've known me 10 years now and you have NO idea what i might like? interesting)
--call DH to thank him for any gifts they receive from me - he's a total flake - doesn't even remember their bdays. all cards/gifts/flowers come directly from me with my handwriting. they don't ever call and thank me. will always call him at work to thank him.
--make a big deal about cooking "special" things when my dh and his sister visit them and have never asked me what i might like.
--basically ,just make me feel unwelcome. kind of from the very beginning.

[Anonymous]

I was never even married to my now-ex and his parents are very generous with me. I typically get at least $50 in gift cards for my birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day. They're very sweet. They're also very grateful and thrilled that I gave them their only grandchild, so that probably has something to do with it.

I think my Dad sends my ex something for Christmas and his birthday, but not 100% sure. (he has more grandkids, and I think he's still a little pissed at my ex for breaking up with me. lol.)