HELP, life with a husband with ADD. I am struggling to manage everything!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is my issue as I am in the same boat.

I have a husband just like OP's.

He can multitask his ass off at work. He has several projects going on and stays on top of all of them. He crosses all of his t's and dots his i's. He is meticulous and detail oriented AT WORK.

So why is it, that as soon as he walks through the door he acts like a dumb ass? He doesn't know if he is coming or going. Can't get shit done around here, forgets everything and he has to be prompted a hundred times
to not forget this and that. It is really tiring and it wears on you. Then I get extra mad because I know he is capable.

Not OP, but a PP. This would upset me more. I thought to have ADD, attention issues are present in various areas of life--e.g, work, home, friendships. For me, I can only tolerate the attention issues because (1) my husband is a wonderful dad, (2) he's one of the most caring and loving people I know, and (3) I was always aware he had some attention issues. As a result, my DH has trouble following through in almost everything, with work, with kids, etc, especially when his environment is not structured. If, on the other hand, he was a superstar at work, but couldn't remember to take out the trash, it would be on B/c, to me, that just means he prioritizes things more than home stuff, not that he has a medical problem.

[Anonymous]

I think ADD is maybe like 50% of the cases, the rest is just spouse doesn't care type of thing.
I married a man who needed to be enabled, I just didn't realize how difficult it is to do it with a kid in tow. My bad. I try to rely on husband as little as possible. It is easier for me since I SAH and only have one kid. I will never ever have a second child with him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like 11:27's comments re: working towards solutions. Because my first reaction was why would anyone marry/have children with somebody like this? Unless they are used to being an enabler and married somebody just like dear old Dad/Mom? Hard to get mad about it when you KNEW ALL ALONG this person was not going to be helpful managing the household.

I think very few of us have the foresight as starry-eyed, never-married 20-somethings (or 30-somethings for that matter) to give any thought whatsoever to the concept of "managing the household" down the road, and what that entails.

I am a very organized, clear-headed, mature person and married at 35 (not a spring chicken), and really, I had absolutely no idea what marriage and kids really entailed. None at all.

I feel sympathy but you married at 35? DH is 35? Yeah, you are enabling him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like 11:27's comments re: working towards solutions. Because my first reaction was why would anyone marry/have children with somebody like this? Unless they are used to being an enabler and married somebody just like dear old Dad/Mom? Hard to get mad about it when you KNEW ALL ALONG this person was not going to be helpful managing the household.

I think very few of us have the foresight as starry-eyed, never-married 20-somethings (or 30-somethings for that matter) to give any thought whatsoever to the concept of "managing the household" down the road, and what that entails.

I am a very organized, clear-headed, mature person and married at 35 (not a spring chicken), and really, I had absolutely no idea what marriage and kids really entailed. None at all.

I feel sympathy but you married at 35? DH is 35? Yeah, you are enabling him.

I'm not OP, nor am I a PP. I'm a random DCUM'er and neither my DH nor I has ADD. I was 35 when we married; I'm 51 now (and DH is 55).

I was just pointing out that no one has a crystal ball, and that few unmarried, childless people truly understand what "managing a household" entails prior to actually having to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like 11:27's comments re: working towards solutions. Because my first reaction was why would anyone marry/have children with somebody like this? Unless they are used to being an enabler and married somebody just like dear old Dad/Mom? Hard to get mad about it when you KNEW ALL ALONG this person was not going to be helpful managing the household.

I think very few of us have the foresight as starry-eyed, never-married 20-somethings (or 30-somethings for that matter) to give any thought whatsoever to the concept of "managing the household" down the road, and what that entails.

I am a very organized, clear-headed, mature person and married at 35 (not a spring chicken), and really, I had absolutely no idea what marriage and kids really entailed. None at all.

I agree with this. Sorry, it doesn't really matter how old you are, when kids enter the picture it's a whole different ballgame. I am sad to see so many of us struggle with having to do it all, all the time because our spouses are incapable or they act like they are incapable (like mine who is a superstar at work) when it comes to the household stuff.


I too, a very mature and organized person had absolutely no idea what I was in for being married and having multiple children and running our lives. 10 years ago I would have said it's a piece of cake. Not so much.

[Anonymous]

My DH has ADHD, and for me, the biggest problem is a complete lack of "executive functioning" skills. He can't plan ahead for anything. We do OK with the day-to-day stuff, but planning bigger picture things is so hard!

[Anonymous]

MY Dh has ADD too, OP. Just wanted to tell you that I sympathize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has ADHD, and for me, the biggest problem is a complete lack of "executive functioning" skills. He can't plan ahead for anything. We do OK with the day-to-day stuff, but planning bigger picture things is so hard!

YES!! my DH too is exactly like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is my issue as I am in the same boat.

I have a husband just like OP's.

He can multitask his ass off at work. He has several projects going on and stays on top of all of them. He crosses all of his t's and dots his i's. He is meticulous and detail oriented AT WORK.

So why is it, that as soon as he walks through the door he acts like a dumb ass? He doesn't know if he is coming or going. Can't get shit done around here, forgets everything and he has to be prompted a hundred times
to not forget this and that. It is really tiring and it wears on you. Then I get extra mad because I know he is capable.

Umm, generally speaking ADD isn't something that goes on and off at convenient intervals. There is a hyperfocus component that some people have, but that focus isn't generally consistent. I am not saying there isn't anything wrong with your husband, but if he is fully capable at work, but shuts off at home, it is probably something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is my issue as I am in the same boat.

I have a husband just like OP's.

He can multitask his ass off at work. He has several projects going on and stays on top of all of them. He crosses all of his t's and dots his i's. He is meticulous and detail oriented AT WORK.

So why is it, that as soon as he walks through the door he acts like a dumb ass? He doesn't know if he is coming or going. Can't get shit done around here, forgets everything and he has to be prompted a hundred times
to not forget this and that. It is really tiring and it wears on you. Then I get extra mad because I know he is capable.

Umm, generally speaking ADD isn't something that goes on and off at convenient intervals. There is a hyperfocus component that some people have, but that focus isn't generally consistent. I am not saying there isn't anything wrong with your husband, but if he is fully capable at work, but shuts off at home, it is probably something else.

I don't necessarily agree with this, though I hate the enabling implication of what I'm about to say: I have ADD and I'm a homemaker. I keep it together HARD during the day so that my kids have the life I want them to have. I keep copious lists and calendars and stay "tuned in" as much as I can. I count as a true accomplishment that my kids have never missed a "pajama day" or "costume day" at school - it takes me a lot of work to make sure to keep those details straight.

But at night, man, I just let my brain seep out of my ears. I'm exhausted from being someone else all day, and nighttime is just TV, video games, surfing the net, and the occasional trip to Pinterest.

So in that way, I can see how a person with a "real" job would hold it together all day and then just FADE when they get home. So again, not enabling, but I can see that happening. It may not be deliberate and disrespectful. I've read about kids with tics who work hard on keeping them at bay during the day around their friends but then come home and just let all the tics out. So, just another perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is my issue as I am in the same boat.

I have a husband just like OP's.

He can multitask his ass off at work. He has several projects going on and stays on top of all of them. He crosses all of his t's and dots his i's. He is meticulous and detail oriented AT WORK.

So why is it, that as soon as he walks through the door he acts like a dumb ass? He doesn't know if he is coming or going. Can't get shit done around here, forgets everything and he has to be prompted a hundred times
to not forget this and that. It is really tiring and it wears on you. Then I get extra mad because I know he is capable.

Umm, generally speaking ADD isn't something that goes on and off at convenient intervals. There is a hyperfocus component that some people have, but that focus isn't generally consistent. I am not saying there isn't anything wrong with your husband, but if he is fully capable at work, but shuts off at home, it is probably something else.

I don't necessarily agree with this, though I hate the enabling implication of what I'm about to say: I have ADD and I'm a homemaker. I keep it together HARD during the day so that my kids have the life I want them to have. I keep copious lists and calendars and stay "tuned in" as much as I can. I count as a true accomplishment that my kids have never missed a "pajama day" or "costume day" at school - it takes me a lot of work to make sure to keep those details straight.


But at night, man, I just let my brain seep out of my ears. I'm exhausted from being someone else all day, and nighttime is just TV, video games, surfing the net, and the occasional trip to Pinterest.

So in that way, I can see how a person with a "real" job would hold it together all day and then just FADE when they get home. So again, not enabling, but I can see that happening. It may not be deliberate and disrespectful. I've read about kids with tics who work hard on keeping them at bay during the day around their friends but then come home and just let all the tics out. So, just another perspective.

Kuddos! It is totally possible to have ADD and a stressful job (domestic or otherwise). It is just that the 'on' at work 'off' at home is pretty rare for undiagnosed ADD. Not unheard of, just exceedingly rare. Unless they are on a stimulant that wears off around quitting time. Then I could definitely see that pattern. But the tone of the original post seems to be that the spouse was undiagnosed and/or unaware of their issues. Undiagnosed untreated ADD just doesn't present like this all that often. I don't have stats, but I would be willing to say that the vast majority of undiagnosed/unaware end up with some of that seeping into their work life. Many ADD people seek treatment only after wondering why everyone else gets promoted but them, or more often, why they have so much trouble holding down a day job and have worked at 10 places in five years. .

I am not ruling out the possiblity of an ADD diagnosis, but there are other possiblities as well. Just curious, but do you think you would have such awesome coping skills and work capacity if you were undiagnosed? I

[Anonymous]

I think it could be really hard to know your husband had ADD until you were living together, and a lot of folks don't live together before marriage. And a lot of people with ADD develop tricks to function at work or to function around the house by themselves, but then throw a kid in the mix and their system doesn't work anymore.

My ex hasn't been diagnosed with ADD but we're both pretty sure he has a mild case. He can't manage multiple tasks well, so if work is getting his attention, his house and our daughter really don't. He doesn't have much custody for this reason. Not because I'm withholding it, but because he hasn't asked and I haven't suggested. We both know he can barely juggle the two nights he does have her with all the stuff he has to do. And I still get multiple phone calls before every doctor appointment and weekend class - "what time is it again? where is it? what room?" etc. I'm used to it. He's a very smart guy, but he sucks at organization outside of work.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP--I have ADD (I posted yesterday) and have two ideas:

1- He has to focus at work or he will get fired and not be able to provide. However you will not fire him, and have been willingly picking up the slack. What is his impetus to keep it together at home when you have shown him that there is not one? Because you complain? Actions speak louder than words, and your actions are to pick up the slack.

2- He takes adderrall or another med in the AM, yes? It has worn off by evening. Does he take it on the weekends? If not, have him take it Sat or Sun AM and see if his behavior changes. If it does, here is your answer. If it doesn't, see #1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has ADHD, and for me, the biggest problem is a complete lack of "executive functioning" skills. He can't plan ahead for anything. We do OK with the day-to-day stuff, but planning bigger picture things is so hard!

PP if you are still reading this thread, could you explain this to me? This describes my DH, who functions very well at work, and does OK day to day at home, but can't plan anything beyond today or tomorrow. He's almost never planned a weekend excursion, not a single vacation or date night, no outings, no birthday parties, nothing that requires advance preparation AT HOME. He is able to plan things at work or for organizations he volunteers for. For example, he's planning a summer picnic for a group he works with right now. But he's never planned a picnic for our family. I've pointed this out to him over and over, yet he's not able to change. I've always assumed he does this willfully, but maybe he does have some form of ADHD. How did you find out your DH has ADHD? What other symptoms does he have?

Another thing my DH can't do is look for a job. He CAN'T. The only jobs he's ever gotten were handed directly to him. He's only left because I got a job and we had to move.

It's never occurred to me that his issues might have a biological base, rather than simply incompetence or willful denial of a deficiency.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I just reread OP's original post, and I realize that DH does almost the same thing, and that I've compensated for it by doing everything myself. I never assume he can handle anything when it comes to the kids. He always forgets a child's jacket or lunchbox or books, or something. And if I give him instructions, he can't listen to more than two directions. He's very smart, so I've just assumed he doesn't bother listening to me, but maybe he can't. Or perhaps he thinks he doesn't need to focus at home (he has a very demanding, stressful job). His father definitely has ADHD, but it never occurred to me that DH has a variant of the same thing.