SAH: what are the "best" years to stay at home?

[Anonymous]

I know several moms that chose to stay at home once the kids were out of the house for a full 6.5 hours each day. I always found it odd that they worked from 7am-6:30pm--with full-time nanny for the first 5 years, but then once the kids hit school it was about spending time with them. Ironic.

I have always worked and there's no end in sight for me to SAH unless we win the lottery but I completely understand the above situation. I found is so much easier to balance work and home when the kids were babies through preschool with a nanny at home. Now, my kids are in elementary school and it is becoming very difficult. The evenings and weekends are all about activities, homework, and playdates while before it was just quality time with me and my kids. If I can take a day off, I can't just send the nanny home happily with an extra paid day off and be with my kids because I can't take them out of school. They are just now starting to encounter more difficult situations where they need advice. I'm having a hard time juggling all the logistics and the house has gone to hell. The more I write the more depressed I get because I don't think this is going to get any easier.

If I could afford i,t I would throw in the towel on my career and call it a day. I wouldn't give a rat's furry behind whether other moms were wondering what I did during the day.

[Anonymous]

I was SAH with my DD when she was 1-5 years old and from the time my DS was born to about 14 months.

I thought it was REALLY hard to be home all day with a newborn (I had gone back to work when my DD was 4 months up until I started to SAH when she was one).

It was also pretty hard to be home all day with a 1-2 year old toddler - it's a very intense relationship and I was very fortunate/grateful to have a sitter come 2x a week so I could take a class, get out of the house, and get a break.

I think the time period I enjoyed most was when she was 3-4 - old enough to be in preschool part of the day, which gave me time to get errands done and/or do something for myself, but plenty of time for us to do things together, and at an age when she was more capable of doing a greater range of things.

That said, now that she's school age, I think it would also be ideal to SAH because a) extended day is such a drag and makes for a really long day; b) it's hard to get kids to after school activities like soccer practice if you're working; and c) the end of the day feels really crunched with pickups/dinner/homework.

For me, there was one ideal year - when I worked PT (20 hrs a week) while she was in preschool. I had my work, which I truly enjoy, and still had time for us to do things together. I truly believe PT is the way to go if/when your field and life permits...

[Anonymous]

I understand that not every job/field has flexibility but man, sure seems like a waste to quit a job you love that earns good money when kids are away from the house 35 hours a week between school and activities. I know you can't always pick the hours you work but I hope as technology advances and traffic gets worse and office space gets more expensive etc. we change the way we view work in this country. All those talented women sitting home because they can't find a situation that lets them have some time with their kids in the late afternoons. What a waste. And I don't mean that every SAHM with kids in school sits at home, I'm just trying to illustrate a point that some women probably would like to work if they could find some flexibility.

I also think that if both parents compromise if possible it is ideal. I have found I don't ALWAYS need to be the one who is around for my kids - if DH is there that is great for them and him. So I hope that we can tag-team when the kids are older so that someone is there for them after school/activities and yet we can both keep our jobs. I think we will need the money and the fulfillment aspect.

[Anonymous]

If you can actually plan this, middle school is the time when it pays off the most to be available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand that not every job/field has flexibility but man, sure seems like a waste to quit a job you love that earns good money when kids are away from the house 35 hours a week between school and activities. I know you can't always pick the hours you work but I hope as technology advances and traffic gets worse and office space gets more expensive etc. we change the way we view work in this country. All those talented women sitting home because they can't find a situation that lets them have some time with their kids in the late afternoons. What a waste. And I don't mean that every SAHM with kids in school sits at home, I'm just trying to illustrate a point that some women probably would like to work if they could find some flexibility.

I also think that if both parents compromise if possible it is ideal. I have found I don't ALWAYS need to be the one who is around for my kids - if DH is there that is great for them and him. So I hope that we can tag-team when the kids are older so that someone is there for them after school/activities and yet we can both keep our jobs. I think we will need the money and the fulfillment aspect.

I know too many women that made zero effort and I hear it echoed in their posts "oh- I'd never find that'. Really? I actually know way too many friends that have the flexibility these days--then the other way around. I really think it is lack of desire for some--which is fine. I really don't care if they don't want to work. I do care when they turn that lack of desire to work into nastiness to anyone else that does have a job. Case in point--my sister has worked very part-time (~20-25 hours a week) since her 3 kids were born. Her DH had a flex schedule and they never had care outside of home (except firstborn in daycare first year). A neighbor saw her youngest, 12 year old, get home 10 minutes before mom and says very nasty so he can hear it to her kids 'that kid is going to end up on drugs' because his mother isn't around. WTF??? My nephew is a straight A student and excellent athlete--great kid. He is responsible, has a key and can manage the 10 minutes before mom gets home. I love that his comment to my sister about this b*tch was 'what does she do all day?". I told my sister that it's great he won't end up marrying somebody pathetic like that---good to learn these lessons young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a year-old son and am considering stay at home with him for about a couple years, and then would return to work full-time. I could do this at any point in the next 4-5 years (I don't see much of a reason to take time off once he's in kindergarten), and am leaning toward taking off from about 18 months - 3 years. I'd like to hear the opinions of other moms on when you think the best "window" of time is to take off, in terms of when you think the child benefits most (and any other factors that you think are relevant, like it's easier to get out and about at a certain age, so you recommend that particular age.....).

Thanks in advance for your advice. Would appreciate to hear most from moms who have done this before.

OP, it all depends on you and your kid. I think taking the time off before preschool sounds, in theory, like the best idea, and is probably what I'd do, too.

But as a SAHM who has been at home with my now-23 month old since she was born, I have to say that I at least have begun feeling like this is the age where I could see her having a lot of fun at a high-quality daycare-- where I've begun feeling like "hmm, I am not so necessary here, after all," and getting the urge to go back to work.

Not that your son won't have a blast at home with you. I bet he will. But that's just how I'm feeling these days, and I'm not sure whether it is the age or SAHMalaise.

[Anonymous]

As kids get older than can also voice their desire for the time with you, which increases the guilt. After care makes or a very long day at school. Getting kids to extracurricular activities and events is hard if you're working full time during elementary school. I would guess if you could swing it taking time off during the 0-3 years and then working an 8am-3pm, 35 hour week would be perfect. It is nice to be able to spend time on the playground, playing before dinner, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As kids get older than can also voice their desire for the time with you, which increases the guilt. After care makes or a very long day at school. Getting kids to extracurricular activities and events is hard if you're working full time during elementary school. I would guess if you could swing it taking time off during the 0-3 years and then working an 8am-3pm, 35 hour week would be perfect. It is nice to be able to spend time on the playground, playing before dinner, etc.

Getting kids to activities is hard even if you SAH. The only way to ease this is limiting who does what during which season.

[Anonymous]

"Getting kids to activities is hard even if you SAH. The only way to ease this is limiting who does what during which season."

Gotta get those snowflakes to their important activities!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Getting kids to activities is hard even if you SAH. The only way to ease this is limiting who does what during which season."

Gotta get those snowflakes to their important activities!

What's that sound? Oh, it's your kids calling from the couch for more juice and chips.

[Anonymous]

Depends on your reason for SAH. What are you trying to do for your child, or prevent your child from doing? Personally, I've never SAH but if I had to say when, I'd say when they were all in full day school.

[Anonymous]

human development research says 0-2 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on your reason for SAH. What are you trying to do for your child, or prevent your child from doing? Personally, I've never SAH but if I had to say when, I'd say when they were all in full day school.

huh? when they are in full-day school they are not there. What are you preventing them from? My elem. school gets out at 3:45...the bus doesn't get home until 4pm at the earliest. We are only a 1/2 mile away so we walk instead. I get a full day of work in before I go get them.

[Anonymous]

I left my job to be a SAHM many years ago and have children who are now teens. It is hard for me to decide what age would be the 'best' to stay at home, but I can say that I think the elementary years would have been an ideal time to return to F/T work, because many schools have after-care.

[Anonymous]

Your kids will not 'benefit exponentially' from you staying home in the early years unless your other choice is to leave them in a crack den. They are probably a little better off with you, if you have patience and provide them with learning opportunities and social interaction. That doesn't describe all SAHs.