If your DH travels for work...

[Anonymous]

Every few months, DH is gone for a couple of weeks. He misses the kids, feels guilty about not being there to help out on a daily basis. His trips are intense and he works a lot, coming home exhausted. It's exciting for him professionally but I think he feels lonely during the trips. They are usually international trips and we try to Skype but often his schedule doesn't permit it when the kids are awake. When he comes home, despite being tired, he pitches in immediately. It's definitely hard on both of us in different ways. I'm worn out when he comes home, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to work in consulting for years and this was very common thing among my male co-workers. The job requires 100% travel, basically, you must go to your client's site and this may not always be in your metro area. Most women would exit the industry when they would start families or stick around only if able to find long term engagements in the metro area where they live. Men, however, tend to be more willing to continue traveling even after starting families. Most of these guys would work 4 days a week, fly in on Monday mornings, fly out on Thursday night, so they'd spend 3 full days at home and 4 days away per week. Essentially, some of them would look at it as being able to spend 3 days off with their families as opposed to only 2.

These are the trends I noticed, not a rule, but just a general trend. Some men clearly seemed to prefer this lifestyle where they would not have to deal with the day to day family grind, they provided for the families financially, and the rest was the responsibility of a wife, who would usually be a SAHM. These tended to be the higher up older consultants that had spend many years doing this, traveling full time away from homes. The younger ones tended to have different views and weren't as happy with travel. I guess age also has something to do with this, where older men grew up in a different generation with slightly diff values. The wives of the younger consultants also tended to be full time working mothers and younger men in general felt more stressed about being away from families.

OP here and ITA! This is exactly what is going on in DH's circle right now! The older guys vs younger guys think is totally true!

[Anonymous]

Another perspective here. Dh's prior job (laid off in July) initially required 2 days of travel, about every other week. Since he usually was just going to NY or Boston, he would pack all the client visits into 2 days, and just stay one night. He did it this way as he did not love to be away. A few months ago, he had to choose from 2 job offers, one would require 50% or more travel but had great pay potential. The other was a local sales territory of DC and Alexandria, so no travel required. He took the latter as he really did not like being away, and was very involved in baseball coaching. But, I think different personalities can handle travel differently. Dh grew up with a dad who traveled all the time. When dad was home, he did pack in a lot of activity (all involving sailing, his interest). Dh actually did not like the fact that every weekend, he had to go on the boat, or clean the boat, etc. He would have rather be able to play a sport, or spend time with his friends, especially as he got older. We know that dh's next promotion will undoubtedly involve travel (he is in sales mgmt.) but I can see us as a family who keeps thing more low key when he is home. I think getting a break for the parent at home will be a part of it too.

[Anonymous]

My husband traveled between 25 -33% of the time for several years when our kids were younger. This was international travel, including many trips to Asia, so he was often gone on weekends. DH was very well-compensated, had a very prestigious job, and always stayed at top-notch hotels. The travel, though, was hell on me and hell on our marriage. When our third was born, I asked him -- no, I told him -- to find another job. He did. It meant a significant pay cut, but it was worth it. This was nearly 15 years ago and the impact on our family life has been profound.

I always knew how stressful the heavy travel was for me and the kids, but I don't think I understood how tough it was for DH until just recently. We were at Dulles on a late Sunday afternoon, dropping our oldest off to return to college. As we pulled up to the curb, a man got out of the car ahead of us. It was a mini-van and the departing passenger was obviously the dad, dressed in what we recognized as road warrior gear. The mom was at the wheel and we could see one kid strapped into a car seat and 2 older kids who leaned out the window to kiss the dad as he left. DH looked at me and said, "God, I can remember going off on all those trips all those years and what a knot I had in my stomach, knowing that I was putting so much on you and that I was going to spend the next 3 weeks working my butt off and missing you and the kids every second."

[Anonymous]

As a DH who travel about 5-6 times a years -- typically 5 days across a weekend (all work-no flames please) or 3 days during the week. I call a couple of times a day to see how things are going. Biggest issue is the time differential to the west coast, can't call when I'm free-everone is to bed. I miss them when I am gone, worry for them...maybe more so because I was on a business trip on 9/11. Other jobs in my profession would require either more travel or being basically on-call for evening meetings or pages. So all other things being equal -- I am more available for them with this limited amount of travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP that's really unfair.

My DH tries to schedule as many fun activities as possible.

Your DH sounds like a divorced, weekend ""fun activity" father.

He's a terrific father AND husband, thanks for asking.

OP it's not easy but when you both realize it's a dual sacrifice, you find a way to make it work. We do all of the things previous posters have mentioned.

[Anonymous]

My husband doesn’t travel often, but when he does it’s for a couple of months at a time (every other year on average). When he is gone I take steps to get the kids & I into a good routine. In addition to work & school (all grade school aged now), we have activities scheduled for each weekend that we wouldn’t normally schedule. For example, Friday we are going to the Valentine’s dance at the community center. I schedule all of their annual appointments (dentist, eye doctor, check up, and vet) so that we get those out of the way. I also try to make a lot of dinners in one setting so that I’m not actively cooking each night. We Skype with my husband a couple of times a week and talk on the phone every day.

He does feel bad on missing out on activities and tries to keep his trips down to the non-busy times of the year (not summer or holidays). When he gets home we have more down time. He will take the kids out so I can have some time alone. I schedule all of my hair appointments before or after his trips. It’s not easy or fun, but he has a great career and we are making it work.

[Anonymous]

^in one sitting...

[Anonymous]

This isn't too inspiring! My DH travels a lot for work (maybe 60% of the time, though rarely on weekends). I get lonely bt try to stay busy with friends. We don't have kids yet, but I feel that we can make it work when that happens. I want him to have a job he loves. Anyone out there whose partner is away a lot, and you have kids--I'd love some positive responses!

[Anonymous]

My husband travels internationally and domestically a lot. We have a 5 and 8 year old. While their are times it's once to just have cereal for dinner and one less person to take care of, it is hard. Kids miss their dad, act out a bit, you don't have a partner to step in when yup are at your limit, it's lonely, for both, my husband has had what I would call near affairs. I drink too much wine. We both feel tired when he returns and the dynamic is difficult. Connection is tough and the sense of living separate lives is very easy to fall into. I used to work and travel a fair amount and pre kids it all seemed rather exciting. Now, it doesn't. I am a sahm now too fwiw.

[Anonymous]

Sorry typos above meant "there" and "it's nice" and no I have not been drinking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't too inspiring! My DH travels a lot for work (maybe 60% of the time, though rarely on weekends). I get lonely bt try to stay busy with friends. We don't have kids yet, but I feel that we can make it work when that happens. I want him to have a job he loves. Anyone out there whose partner is away a lot, and you have kids--I'd love some positive responses!

I'm sorry to say this PP, but I don't think you are going to get too many of the positive responses you're looking for. Once kids are in the picture the dynamics of travel simply change. All of a sudden the parent left behind is doing more work on the home front, the traveling parent is missing their kids / trying to make it up when they get back, and the kids just don't understand why Daddy/mommy isn't there.

Not to say that travel is some kind of death knell - my DH travels a decent amount (lots of 1-3 day tris, with a couple multi-week trips here and there) - and we're managing. But the travel is definitely a strain on the marriage and our family. And my kids are happier and better behaved when both parents are around regularly.

And I will say that my DHs feelings about the travel have changed with kids as well, and that he is the one (even more than me) who would really like to get off the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't too inspiring! My DH travels a lot for work (maybe 60% of the time, though rarely on weekends). I get lonely bt try to stay busy with friends. We don't have kids yet, but I feel that we can make it work when that happens. I want him to have a job he loves. Anyone out there whose partner is away a lot, and you have kids--I'd love some positive responses!

I'm the OP. When we were childless I went to school FT to fill up my time and made lots of friends that way.

Now that we have kids I feel so lonely... no more friends and alone all day with a toddler

[Anonymous]

It will feel like that in the beginning but it does get better.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both travel 2-3 days a month. It isn't so bad, DS is only 2.5 but already seems to understand that some nights are mommy only nights and some nights are daddy only nights. It doesn't seem to phase him.
But the reason that it works is that we both back each other up. If only one of us was traveling, there would be resentment.