A family affair - literally. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird that so many think that reading email is so much worse then sleeping with your SIL's husband. A lot of cheaters on this board.

OP obviously infidelity abounds in your family. Your aunt may well be aware of her husband's affairs given you knew of them, she probably did too. You already knew your mother had affairs so does having another one change how you feel about her? If so tell her you know. It will be strange being around them.

ITA. Reading the email is by far a lesser offense. If the mom is a cheater, why on EARTH would she EVER give someone her email password? Either she is a total moron or wants to get caught for the attention. OP, is you mom a sick attention whore? Everyone I know who is a cheater would NEVER knowingly give their email password to anyone. Right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird that so many think that reading email is so much worse then sleeping with your SIL's husband.

OP here. I was thinking the same thing!

The responses have been interesting and I'm surprised that so many think we should just let it go. It's food for thought. We thought that perhaps we could make my mom end it by telling her how awful and selfish she is being. If it is found out I think it would make our relationship with my aunt very hard (hard for her to be around us) and it would presumably ruin the remaining (good) relationship between my mom & dad not to mention my mom and the rest of my dad's family. It would turn upside 3 generations of a small and close family that have, for better or worse, found a way to forgive and move forward through lots of sh&% including cheating.

[Anonymous]

Then leave it alone. Like a pp said, they've earned the right to live how they want. Why ruin the last ten years of their lives. I'm not saying it would be easy. I'm not entirely opposed to confronting your mom in a non-emotional way and telling her to end it for everyone's sake.

[Anonymous]

I would confront her. It's going to destroy your entire family. How selfish and deceitful of her. Your poor aunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird that so many think that reading email is so much worse then sleeping with your SIL's husband.

OP here. I was thinking the same thing!

The responses have been interesting and I'm surprised that so many think we should just let it go. It's food for thought. We thought that perhaps we could make my mom end it by telling her how awful and selfish she is being. If it is found out I think it would make our relationship with my aunt very hard (hard for her to be around us) and it would presumably ruin the remaining (good) relationship between my mom & dad not to mention my mom and the rest of my dad's family. It would turn upside 3 generations of a small and close family that have, for better or worse, found a way to forgive and move forward through lots of sh&% including cheating.

No one thinks that reading an email is a worse offense, however this is not about which offense is greater. We strongly feel OP had no business reading her mother's email. Older generations are different than us, perhaps the SIL knows and divorce is not an option for her. Is she Catholic? Don't you say yourself that you cannot confirm a physical affair, such as SEX, yet you call this an affair? Please explain what is going on if they are not sleeping together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then leave it alone. Like a pp said, they've earned the right to live how they want. Why ruin the last ten years of their lives. I'm not saying it would be easy. I'm not entirely opposed to confronting your mom in a non-emotional way and telling her to end it for everyone's sake.

Absurd. No one ever "earns the right" to cheat. Especially within your own family, FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird that so many think that reading email is so much worse then sleeping with your SIL's husband.

OP here. I was thinking the same thing!

The responses have been interesting and I'm surprised that so many think we should just let it go. It's food for thought. We thought that perhaps we could make my mom end it by telling her how awful and selfish she is being. If it is found out I think it would make our relationship with my aunt very hard (hard for her to be around us) and it would presumably ruin the remaining (good) relationship between my mom & dad not to mention my mom and the rest of my dad's family. It would turn upside 3 generations of a small and close family that have, for better or worse, found a way to forgive and move forward through lots of sh&% including cheating.

No one thinks that reading an email is a worse offense, however this is not about which offense is greater. We strongly feel OP had no business reading her mother's email. Older generations are different than us, perhaps the SIL knows and divorce is not an option for her. Is she Catholic? Don't you say yourself that you cannot confirm a physical affair, such as SEX, yet you call this an affair? Please explain what is going on if they are not sleeping together.

Explain this, OP, before you go jumping off the deep end are you talking about an emotional affair, because if you are then you really need to MYOB. So what if they think they are soul mates. People can't help strong connections, they are 70 for goodness sake. Right or wrong it is not your business.

From OP's opening post.

but not too much that gave away a physical affair

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been cheated on, divorced over it. Normally I would say, tell, But, age 70? I don't think I would tell. I guess because I feel 70 is too old to have my world destroyed like that. I was about 40, young and resilient enough to rebuild. At 70, I am not sure I would survive that again.

I think there are reasons to tell, and reasons not to tell, but in this situation there is no clear right and wrong. Therefore I would not do anything. You can't forsee the consequences and better to hold your tongue than wish you had kept out of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to stay out of it. You have no idea what other factors may be at play (how long it has been going on, if your aunt knows, if it was physical). It's not right, but it is also NOT your business, or your place to interfere. You already showed incredibly poor judgment by running off and telling your sister and your respective boyfriends--that probably already did all the damage, as most likely someone will blab.

Really dumb on so many levels.

[Anonymous]

True. Knowing a couple that divorced later in life over infidelity I heard a lot of discussion about it from their peers and people that age who didn't know them. Nine out of ten would say leave it alone. At that age, "who cares?!" is truly how most of them reacted.

[Anonymous]

18 02 again. Also for all you know, his wife doesn't want his attentions anymore. I've heard stories in the news about marriages that are destroyed because the husband gets some viagra and his 70 year old wife is SO DONE with that. Maybe she knows, maybe she's glad.

Seriously, I just wouldn't rock this boat.

- Formerly cheated on wife.

[Anonymous]

You should not have told your sister and husband first. You should have gone straight to your mother.

[Anonymous]

NO ONE has said that snooping is worse than cheating. The person here asking what do do is a snoop, not a cheater. We can only ream OP for what SHE did wrong. Her mom's choices don't excuse her stupid choices.

And let's be clear about what people mean when they say they've "earned the right to live as they please." Those posters were trying to find a polite way to say, "MYOB, because by the time everyone even begins to heal from a trauma this big, most of the parties involved will be dead anyway."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. I was thinking the same thing!

The responses have been interesting and I'm surprised that so many think we should just let it go. It's food for thought. We thought that perhaps we could make my mom end it by telling her how awful and selfish she is being. If it is found out I think it would make our relationship with my aunt very hard (hard for her to be around us) and it would presumably ruin the remaining (good) relationship between my mom & dad not to mention my mom and the rest of my dad's family. It would turn upside 3 generations of a small and close family that have, for better or worse, found a way to forgive and move forward through lots of sh&% including cheating.

The mere fact that now FOUR (6 if you include the cheaters) people know of the affair increases the likelihood that something is going to be said and it is all going to come screaming out of the closet. As far as everyone finding out I can't help but feel you hold responsibility for this issue since you read the emails and then shared the information with 3 other people. I don't think your issue is with the cheating, but with the fact it is threatening to upset your life balance. When you first saw the email you should have closed the email and walked away. Ignorance is bliss. The fact the people involved are using aliases means you had to do some digging to figure out who the other person was.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You gain more by NOT saying anything than by saying anything. Really, what's to gain by confronting your mother? If it gets out otherwise, it's not on you. Hang in there! Also, agreed that the more who know, the more likely something will slip, but still. Also, you do not know it's a physical affair, correct? Anyway, my advice is to keep mum on mom.