How do you make separate finances work?

[Anonymous]

You are asking the wrong question. You should ask yourself why you are still married to this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My sister and her husband had an arrangement similar to OP--it is a significant factor in what will soon be an ugly divorce. Are you roommates or spouses/partners?

ITA. [b] I can't imagine living like that. We have one checking account and one savings account. Both of our names are on each. We don't divide up our bills and assign percentages. We are married. We are a team. There is no "his money" or "my money". It's our money.

[/b


This is how it is in our home and I can't imagine doing it any other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH refuses to join our finances for reasons I don't want to discuss on a public forum. Everything is separate. I pay certain bills, he pays certain bills and this was fine with me until I "mommy tracked" which decreased my income significantly. This is our arrangement:

I pay:
Childcare
Electricity
Cable
My student loans
Baby's diapers and other odds and ends

He pays:
Mortgage (modest)
Car payment
Health insurance
Groceries

This arrangement sounds fair on paper but not when you consider that I literally earn 1/5 of what he does at this point. I asked him to contribute half towards childcare expenses but he balked at the idea. Is there a way that I can make the separate finances more fair or do I just suck this up?

If you have separate finances, what works for you?

How is he as a father OP? Why are you paying all of childcare and baby expenses? Is your name on the house? Did he want to have children? Was he on board with your change in income? Was there a discussion about it before you made the change? He seems hostile and resentful to me.

[Anonymous]

PP here - if he makes the car payment is your name also on the title? It looks like he pays for a life that would be very easy to separate from you and the baby if the car and house are his. Putting in "less" financially, emotionally, timewise, etc can reflect investment, I learned the hard way. People who are minimally invested find it easy to disconnect. If I were you I'd look into un-mommy tracking since I think he is going to end up splitting. He isn't really in the family in an invested way and kids get more demanding in the toddler years.

Did he have a difficult childhood? Is his family happy and close? Did his dad bail on him? I think he has issues with intimacy that are going to blow up in your face, there is way too much distance here. Sadly I speak from experience. Not wanting to share childcare and baby costs is a huge red flag that he is not committed to the family. Seriously, if you and the baby departed he'd only have to change 2 utilities, that is messed up.

[Anonymous]

After seven years and one baby, my DP and I just got a joint checking and saving. We have always just done a rough split of bills, with some adjustments for relative income (usually we are equal earners, but during unemployment we adjusted things). We would just agree how much each person would save and save it in our individual accounts. It worked for us, but I think it does require even more trust, as well as similar financial values, to do separate finances. I would never have kept a separate arrangement with someone who was shady, controlling, ungenerous, etc.

[Anonymous]

Agree this is not about money.

But you need a joint account and separate accounts. Pool all of your money into joint account and pay bills out of joint account. Then pay yourselves a weekly stipend for discretionary stuff and clothes. Joint should pay for everything child related and house related. Then save $ either separately or jointly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We never got a joint checking account--and we divide our expenses a lot like you do. There's really no reason, just kinda works for us. I like feeling like I have "my" money that I can spend how I wish, and vice versa (though I'd never make a huge purchase without running it by him). I also like that when I buy DH a gift, I'm not pulling from his account. But it's all semantics: I consider both accounts to be ours, and if my acct was low, he'd just write me a check. We also have a joint savings acct that we dump money into whenever. I think if you do things this way, your budget should give you both the same amount of spending money, and savings at the end of the month, if that makes sense. So sounds like DH should be willing to pay more of the bills now that your salary is lower.

This is exactly what we do. You articulated it much better than I could have!

[Anonymous]

Perhaps because we were both older when we got married, we've always had separate accounts. The only joint account is a joint savings, which we each contribute equally the same each month. All the other bills get pro rated on our net income split (i.e. I contribute to retirement and he does not, so my net is much lower). It just works for us, but neither one is stingy, withholding, or overindulgent. We just both kind of seem to know when it's time for the other to step up for bigger ticket or unexpected costs. Example, we just bought furniture and I'm paying for it. We are also getting a new kitchen floor and my husband is paying for it out of his accounts. Just as others can't fathom not having all joint accounts, I can't imagine any other way that would work for us. But, the big difference in our case, is that both are on the same page as to fairness. It doesn't sound like your husband is.

[Anonymous]

Why do you put up with this? Honestly, he sounds incredibly selfish.

[Anonymous]

First, i dont know why people with all joint accounts are responding to this thread.

Second, OP who is contributing to savings? Is your issue that you are saving less in your name than he is?

DH and i have separate checking accounts but a joint savings account. DH pays the mortgage, insurance, and puts money every month into savings. I pay tuition/ daycare, utilities, and most kid expenses. We split groceries, gas, and restaurants. We alternate large purchases depending on cash flow. Even though we have separate checking accounts, having the joint savings helps us feel that our money is truly combined.

[Anonymous]

We have separate accounts, but our incomes are nearly equal. I see two problems: the inequality of your incomes and the fact that you pay for the kid. I agree with previous posters that he seems not to understand marriage. Seems more like a room-mate arrangement. I think he thinks of you both as two separate people who happen to live together so he can get sex and you can get a kid. This can be okay for some people, but it sounds like it is not okay for you. I think you need marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, i dont know why people with all joint accounts are responding to this thread.

Second, OP who is contributing to savings? Is your issue that you are saving less in your name than he is?

DH and i have separate checking accounts but a joint savings account. DH pays the mortgage, insurance, and puts money every month into savings. I pay tuition/ daycare, utilities, and most kid expenses. We split groceries, gas, and restaurants. We alternate large purchases depending on cash flow. Even though we have separate checking accounts, having the joint savings helps us feel that our money is truly combined.

I'm sure all those other people with joint accounts responded for the same reason you did.

[Anonymous]

OP, the only way I can see this working is if you and your DH pay household expenses commensurate with your income. So if you are bringing in 40% of the total household income, you pay 40% of the expenses (picking and choosing whichever ones add to that). It sounds like you may have been following this formula until you reduced your salary and your DH is now refusing to make the necessary adjustment. If you're bringing in 25% of the total household income but still paying (hypothetically) 40% of expenses, that seems patently unfair to me. It means you are penny-pinching, or even going into debt, while he has plenty of disposable income to spend as he chooses.

I don't necessarily think there's anything inherently wrong with separate finances, as long as both parties play fair. Your DH is not playing fair. Has he explained why is he refusing to shift the burden of spending off of you now that you are bringing in less money? To me that is the key question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the only way I can see this working is if you and your DH pay household expenses commensurate with your income. So if you are bringing in 40% of the total household income, you pay 40% of the expenses (picking and choosing whichever ones add to that). It sounds like you may have been following this formula until you reduced your salary and your DH is now refusing to make the necessary adjustment. If you're bringing in 25% of the total household income but still paying (hypothetically) 40% of expenses, that seems patently unfair to me. It means you are penny-pinching, or even going into debt, while he has plenty of disposable income to spend as he chooses.

I don't necessarily think there's anything inherently wrong with separate finances, as long as both parties play fair. Your DH is not playing fair. Has he explained why is he refusing to shift the burden of spending off of you now that you are bringing in less money? To me that is the key question.

+1000. And I think you do need couples counseling, OP.

[Anonymous]

You should each contribute to a house account based in your incomes. So if he makes $80k and you make $20k, then you put in 20% of the total expenses and he puts in 80%.