"Failure to launch" siblings?

[Anonymous]

My brother failed to launch. He was 30 before he finally moved out of my parents' basement and into an apartment. What finally got him moving was he had started dating someone somewhat seriously, and realized he had to grow up. He's always been financially responsible - he just for whatever reason didn't move out until really, really late.

[Anonymous]

Many of these are being enabled by their families, and it is hard to feel sorry for the enablers. There is definitely a lifetime of bad parenting at work here. Why not mooch off mommy and daddy when they let you do it and there are no consequences for your actions, right?

I know my parents would help me if I ever got into a financial jam so bad that I couldn't fix, but there would be rules, expectations, etc. And you can bet that I would work 3 jobs if I had to in order to work our way out of a hole. But, I have pride and would be so ashamed to have to live off my parents as an adult.

Obviously this post is NOT directed at anyone who has a mentally or physically disabled family member - that doesn't count as failure to launch in my view. Special needs are not the same as lazy or making poor decisions.

Oh, boy, our upcoming trip to visit my in-laws is going to be a BLAST. Maybe my husband will finally have the balls to tell his brother to man up and stop mooching off their parents.

[Anonymous]

My brother is 32 and still living at home. I think he is kind of halfway between "failure to launch" and mentally challenged. He was never diagnosed with anything, but he's one of those people who has no social skills whatsoever, has never kissed a girl (and never will), and has no friends. My guess is that he is on the autism spectrum, perhaps Aspergers ... the IQ test he took in elementary school showed an average IQ (probably around 100). But there must be something wrong with him, or so I have always told myself. Because of his lack of social skills, he finds it difficult to get or keep jobs. OTOH, my parents have definitely enabled him and he has never had to leave his comfort zone. I do worry that when they are gone he will become my problem. I am willing to allow him to live with us (assuming we have a house large enough to accommodate that) as long as he pulls his weight, meaning either paying rent or working for us in exchange for room and board. He is very, very immature, but can also be really thoughtful sometimes, and he is a good uncle to my kids (which makes me wonder whether he *really* has no social skills or just needed to be allowed to sink or swim in order to grow up). It is a strange situation. I wish that we could figure out what went wrong, but he won't go get evaluated, so I guess we'll never know what, if anything, is wrong with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother is 32 and still living at home. I think he is kind of halfway between "failure to launch" and mentally challenged. He was never diagnosed with anything, but he's one of those people who has no social skills whatsoever, has never kissed a girl (and never will), and has no friends. My guess is that he is on the autism spectrum, perhaps Aspergers ... the IQ test he took in elementary school showed an average IQ (probably around 100). But there must be something wrong with him, or so I have always told myself. Because of his lack of social skills, he finds it difficult to get or keep jobs. OTOH, my parents have definitely enabled him and he has never had to leave his comfort zone. I do worry that when they are gone he will become my problem. I am willing to allow him to live with us (assuming we have a house large enough to accommodate that) as long as he pulls his weight, meaning either paying rent or working for us in exchange for room and board. He is very, very immature, but can also be really thoughtful sometimes, and he is a good uncle to my kids (which makes me wonder whether he *really* has no social skills or just needed to be allowed to sink or swim in order to grow up). It is a strange situation. I wish that we could figure out what went wrong, but he won't go get evaluated, so I guess we'll never know what, if anything, is wrong with him.

My BIL is like this. He launched in that he has a real job, can financially support himself, has a house but he also lacks social skills, has never really dated (and I don't see it happening) and is just immature. His parents do enable him but I think there has to be more to it than that. We, also will never know what is wrong with him (if anything).

[Anonymous]

I notice that so far there have been 11 males living at home and 3 females (in this thread).

[Anonymous]

I don't get this whole "we'll never know what's wrong with him" thing. How about he is just a loser? Some people will never be successful because they are lazy/unmotivated. Everyone always wants to diagnose their loser relatives as having austism or ADHD or some other legit issue. I also find it funny that these are often the same people who think that poor people deserve to be poor because of their bad choices, while their bum family members are autistic.

[Anonymous]

My BIL finally moved out of my in-laws' house at 38. For a while there, he and his girlfriend and their son all lived with the in-laws.

My MIL was way too soft-hearted to ever kick him out, but everyone - my BIL included - is much happier now that he has his own place.

My husband's family does come from a culture where the oldest son usually lives with the parents, but traditionally the son then takes care of them both financially and physically. My BIL was not doing that. He paid for the cable/internet and bought some groceries, but that's it. He certainly didn't pay rent, and my MIL cooked nearly every meal for him.

[Anonymous]

Well this is interesting. My brother and my BIL are still at home. Both late 20's. Both have education and potential so not really sure what the hell is going on.

[Anonymous]

I have noticed that some of my smartest male friends from high school never really launched. They're all under-achieving, given their IQ's and education - they don't really have careers and they haven't married or had kids. They just seem kind of stalled in general. I haven't really seen the same thing in my female peer group. Is it just that we expect men to be ambitious go-getters, more so than women? I wonder if it's just a general lack of career ambition and maybe some of the women who are not ambitious in the career sense got married and became SAHM's instead.

[Anonymous]

I don't get this whole "we'll never know what's wrong with him" thing. How about he is just a loser? Some people will never be successful because they are lazy/unmotivated.

I'm a PP. Some people are lazy. (me). And a lot of people are running around with untreated mental illnesses. How about you brush up this fact? Or wait -- are you my Grandad?? That is so cool that you're on here, Grandad, I didn't know you got a computer! But nice as that is to have you hear, you gotta understand that mental illness is real and pervasive and not all in Aunt Margaret's head.

[Anonymous]

have you here, Grandad, not "hear." It's nice to have you here but nobody wants to hear your 1934 version of "crying is for sissies" speech.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I notice that so far there have been 11 males living at home and 3 females (in this thread).

I am the PP w/the nephews- i should have said that in the guest house the one nephew lives in... THERE IS NO KITCHEN. My sister built this casita for him WITH NO KITCHEN. HE'S 25 AHAHAHAHAHhahaaagghghghghgh. Of course, there's no washer/dryer, either. Of course. Were you wondering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have noticed that some of my smartest male friends from high school never really launched. They're all under-achieving, given their IQ's and education - they don't really have careers and they haven't married or had kids. They just seem kind of stalled in general. I haven't really seen the same thing in my female peer group. Is it just that we expect men to be ambitious go-getters, more so than women? I wonder if it's just a general lack of career ambition and maybe some of the women who are not ambitious in the career sense got married and became SAHM's instead.

One thought that has crossed my mind is whether or not these boys/men were coddled by their mothers. From reading many DCUM threads, moms of boys seem to moon over them in a way that moms of girls do not. Girls are expected to do well in school, become successful and independent. Yes, boys are expected to do that too, but I feel like there isn't as much pressure to get ahead because it's much easier for boys/men to get ahead anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have noticed that some of my smartest male friends from high school never really launched. They're all under-achieving, given their IQ's and education - they don't really have careers and they haven't married or had kids. They just seem kind of stalled in general. I haven't really seen the same thing in my female peer group. Is it just that we expect men to be ambitious go-getters, more so than women? I wonder if it's just a general lack of career ambition and maybe some of the women who are not ambitious in the career sense got married and became SAHM's instead.

One thought that has crossed my mind is whether or not these boys/men were coddled by their mothers. From reading many DCUM threads, moms of boys seem to moon over them in a way that moms of girls do not. Girls are expected to do well in school, become successful and independent. Yes, boys are expected to do that too, but I feel like there isn't as much pressure to get ahead because it's much easier for boys/men to get ahead anyway.

Could also be that moms who might not have the opportunities to have a career and financial stability without a husband see their security in their sons.

[Anonymous]

Guessing these FTL siblings are proud of the success of PPs and talk lots about them. Curious though what PPs say, or do you say anything, about FTL sibs to colleagues or friends who ask about your family.