Rant about non-parents who criticize parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good grief!!!

OP... I competely empathize with your situation. To those who felt the need to be critical, this was one isolated event. What in OP's post gave you the idea that she frequently goes out to eat and lets her son roam wild around the restaurant? We all have difficult moments with our kids despite our best intentions and planning. I have read too many critical posts beginning with "MY child knows not to do XYZ"... perhaps it makes those people feel better to be critical of others but I take it all with a grain of salt and OP should do the same.

I second this. I also wonder if it actually IS too much to expect adults around you and your child to be little supportive. We as adults have responsibility to look out for children, no matter if they are our kids or not. Even if it is not my child, I'll make sure he's safe and his fingers aren't caught in a door, if I'm person closest to him at the moment. Children are people, people with limited abilities and poor judgment. Their parents are there to take care of them and keep them out of trouble, but giving a parent helping hand and maybe letting them cut the line is not too much to ask IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is your child standing at the door when you are sitting at a table? As the mother of 3 who likes to eat out I wonder if you considered the other restaurant patrons? Hope you can take some constructive criticism. Please don't expect the rest of the world to watch out for your child. When dining out, please keep your child at the table with you and not left to wander.

ah hem. . .this was meant to be "constructive criticism?" with wording like "don't expect the rest of the world. . ."

a little compassion sister! sheesh. perhaps you are a perfect mother (and yes, I know I am being snarky.)

[Anonymous]

I am expecting my first, so not technically a mother yet.

I look out for little ones in restaurants if they appear like they are going to get fingers or limbs pinched or if they are careening into other people. My husband and I have picked up sippy cups and crayons as we pass by restaurant tables. I have even rescued a three year old who was headed behind the bar at Austin Grill.

I would never criticize the parents, or suggest they are not doing a good job. hell, it takes a village sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I'm the mother of a 15+ month old, but I was childless for a long time, and my allegiance hasn't quite shifted yet.

I would MUCH rather-- now as before-- go out with my friends without their toddlers. I used to bite my tongue with my friend and her terror (who is now a perfectly nice little boy); now that I have my own terror and have a little more perspective I'm glad I kept my mouth shut. Still, it's not a lot of fun if you don't have kids yourself (and even if you do) to have half a conversation with your friend who is focused on her kid, whether this is on a shopping date, at a restaurant or over the phone.

So, OP, I don't think you're wrong to be annoyed at that specific thing but just remember how many little annoyances from our darlings we tune out that our childless friends probably suffer from and let it go. And also try just to see her when it's just grown-ups. You'll both like each other better!

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I don't have a problem with single people criticizing parents. It doesn't take a parent to recognize child abuse, and I'm not accusing you of that, but I admire anyone who will stand up and say something when they think a child is being hurt.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I don't have a problem with single people criticizing parents. It doesn't take a parent to recognize child abuse, and I'm not accusing you of that, but I admire anyone who will stand up and say something when they think a child is being hurt.

And your post is referring to which incident that is listed here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I don't have a problem with single people criticizing parents. It doesn't take a parent to recognize child abuse, and I'm not accusing you of that, but I admire anyone who will stand up and say something when they think a child is being hurt.

okay. . .but how about just helping the parent help the child not get hurt? It's not like any of us our jamming our children's fingers into doors or strategically putting them in the way of others.

[Anonymous]

This 'friend' didn't say that she thought the three year old hadn't been watched closely enough. She said to her 'friend' "did your hurt him?" That is an outrageous statement. Now she's being praised because she speaks up when she sees child abuse? Oh brother. OP, I would not have a "friend" who thought I might purposely hurt my own child. You should dump her (and ignore the posters who are criticizing you because your child was near the door or are now accusing you of that dreaded offense, letting their kids run wild in public; we have all paid attention to something other than our children for a split second).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sorry, I don't have a problem with single people criticizing parents. It doesn't take a parent to recognize child abuse, and I'm not accusing you of that, but I admire anyone who will stand up and say something when they think a child is being hurt.

And your post is referring to which incident that is listed here?

addressing her annoyance at single people criticizing parents. I think it is relative to comment on her attitude since she/he was open to a "reality check."

[Anonymous]

I wonder if OP was perhaps overreacting a bit by getting mad at the "did you hurt him?" question. Haven't you ever accidently hurt your kid? Maybe turning around and bonking him on the head because you didn't know he was there? Or closing his fingers in a door because you didn't know his fingers were there? Maybe that's simply what she was responding to, meaning, did you unintentionly (sp?) hurt him and is that why he is crying? It could have been an innocent question.

I have to say that I'm also in the camp of not letting your kids wander in a restaurant. It bugged me to no end when I didn't have kids and I'm a strict enforcer now that I do. Non-parents are able to recognize poor parenting judgement and poor childrens' behavior (not saying this was OP, just stating what I believe to be generally true). There are lots of things that really bugged me about parents when I was not one, and still do. Here's another one: I still get annoyed sometimes when I'm trying to have a phone conversation with a friend and they stop a million times to talk to Johnny. I always ask if it's a good time to talk when I call - or assume that it's a good time for them to talk if they are calling me. But not so. And I don't make calls (except if I know it will be brief - like making an appt. for a haircut or something) when I'm on solo parenting duty because I don't think it's fair to the person I'm trying to talk to, or my son. But I know many folks who love the phone more than I do disagree.

[Anonymous]

Agreed about the phone!! My sister got into the habit of multi-tasking with her kids while on the phone when they were little and she STILL does it now that they are in high school. And if the kids aren't around, it's the dogs! (I'm starting to think that maybe she just doesn't want to talk to ME...)

Now that I'm a parent, I get how hard it is to have a phone conversation with your kid around, so I'm more understanding than pre-child. But I still remember how annoying it was, so I just wait until he's not around to chat. It can be a drag, but it's way better than the alternative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Sorry, I don't have a problem with single people criticizing parents. It doesn't take a parent to recognize child abuse, and I'm not accusing you of that, but I admire anyone who will stand up and say something when they think a child is being hurt.

And your post is referring to which incident that is listed here?

addressing her annoyance at single people criticizing parents. I think it is relative to comment on her attitude since she/he was open to a "reality check."

OP here - er...thanks for all the input - to those who gave supportive comments and those who gave me the chance to reflect with the more judgemental comments.

A few points -

I think we can all agree that people should speak up when there is clear evidence of child abuse or neglect. Health care workers are legally bound to report suspected child abuse or neglect to the appropriate authorities. The general public should report child abuse of neglect when witnessed for ethical reasons. It might even be illegal not to report it even for the general public - can anyone comment on this?

However, it's the gray areas that lead to conflicting opinions and for whatever reason, people get very passionate about it. Cry it out or cosleeping, breastfeeding or formula, stay at home or working parent, time out or natural consequences, taking your kids out to eat at young ages to get them used to eating out versus waiting until they're much older. It may not have been clear, but I was referring to childless people who express an opinion about childrearing practices like these - apologies if anyone misunderstood my post and thought I was stating that childless people shouldn't speak up about child abuse or neglect! No, I'm not a bonehead. And I think it's easy to get annoyed because we often struggle with our parenting decisions about those areas - and criticism often leads to self-doubt, then guilt about possibly making the wrong choice.

To the PP who stated that perhaps my friend had observed gross parenting inadequacies and was making comments - uh no, that's pretty unlikely. My son is generally well-behaved, happy, and sweet to have around. He doesn't run around restaurants. He knows he needs to either sit on the seat with his butt or he can kneel on the chair if it's too low. If he stands up in the chair, then we need to leave the restaurant because he's telling me he can't sit still well enough to eat out. And I do follow through. There was a mishap the other evening - the first one ever. And my son has been eating out since he was an infant. In hindsight, I recognize that it's too much to eat out with this friend because she demands too much attention from me and I'm not able to watch my son at the same time. She probably did mean - did I hurt him (unintentionally) - at the time, I reacted emotionally (WHAT?? how could I ever hurt my child?!!)

Kudos to you parents who have 3 year old boys who have a perfect record of behaving completely appropriately in restaurants. Kudos to you parents who have always made the correct judgement in regards to your children and social situations. Are you also those people who have never made a mistake ever in your entire life? I commend you.

I may not be a perfect parent and my son may not be a perfect 3 year old, but I'm most definitely more than adequate as is my son. And I won't be dining out with my son and this friend any time soon.

Just as annoying as those childless people who are compelled to give you parenting assvice are the smug parents who report that their perfect kids never, ever misbehave....But that's another rant.

Cheers.

[Anonymous]

Children will misbehave. We as parents need to decide when it is appropriate to take our kids to a restaurant. If a child is not able to sit and eat a meal, they are not ready to be exposed to a setting where that is the expectation. It will only end up in a loose/loose situation. It is inevitable that the child will get very negative responses. Parents who know this are not smug. They are aware of their kids and the world around them. Do what the rest of us do. Buy some great food, great wine, cook it at home and bloom where you're planted!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children will misbehave. We as parents need to decide when it is appropriate to take our kids to a restaurant. If a child is not able to sit and eat a meal, they are not ready to be exposed to a setting where that is the expectation. It will only end up in a loose/loose situation. It is inevitable that the child will get very negative responses. Parents who know this are not smug. They are aware of their kids and the world around them. Do what the rest of us do. Buy some great food, great wine, cook it at home and bloom where you're planted!

Agree - parents need to make the appropriate judgement. But disagree that parents need to completely avoid situations where their children have the potential to misbehave. That could be pretty lonely for some (not me of course...).

[Anonymous]

Just choose the right restaurant -- I won't be taking my three year old to dinner at Ruth Chris anytime soon, but you can be damned sure I will take her to Gordon Biersch or some other place like that where her occasional loudness will not be an annoyance. She can be in public and still be a kid.